Warrior Princess

Completed!

2012-01-22T07:12:00.002-06:00

Attitude. It's what gives me more headache from myself and others than anything else that could pose a problem for me. Everyday I face myself, my attitude, and my mind set. Everyday I face my husband's attitude, my children's attitude, my co-worker's attitude, etc...everyday. It's not like I can get away from it, so I decided to embrace it 7 days ago.

How did I embrace someone else's attitude? Well, I took a closer look at my own! You Version has a bible reading plan called Attitude. Just 7 days of focus on scripture, God's words, and God's requirements can change your, well... attitude!

So my closer look showed me that I am negative more than I am positive. I look for the reasons that things won't work first. I propose a "better" solution to my children's problems than what they come up with on their own. I finally realized that I view myself and my opinion as higher/better/more ....of something.

Well all it was more of was ME! The past 7 days I have absorbed God's words about putting others first, thinking of others as higher than yourself, loving God before anything else, then loving your neighbor, not worrying about anything, cuz God's got it.

Today I wake and rejoice that God is doing a new thing in me. I've completed this 7 day attitude check and I'm so excited to be a part of a ministry that God is using to impact the lives of children in Florida. Use me God, I'll step aside. The work is just beginning!

2 Funnies in 24 hours

2011-08-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

This morning Ethan had a typical surprise that my husband or I find following our youngest's trip through the kitchen. See Ethan didn't know that Jordan had already had his breakfast cereal... with milk... in a bowl. And being the recycling kind of guy he is, Jordan didn't want to waste his left over milk.

This is what Ethan realized when he opened the fridge door and it splashed out onto him and the floor. A bowl of milk in the fridge door Jordan? Really????

Yes, we did make Jordan come and clean it up. Poor Ethan.

Yesterday afternoon was somewhat hilarious too...I was exhausted and plumped down into the recliner after church. My wonderful husband brought me a sandwich and although I tried to get comfortable and relax it wasn't working real well.

Ya know the feeling when you just want to put on your PJ's and call it a day but you don't have the energy to actually get out of the chair you're in? So what does one exhausted mom do? She peals off her bra and stashes it beside the recliner. Yep, felt much better after that.

Time passed, some nodding off happened, kidz were in and out of the living room and kitchen getting something to eat. Shaun had it all under control. We watched our show SG1, that we've come to like.

I pulled my laptop off the floor and opened FB to add an event to our new KidzTown page. So excited about that! 60 likes in a couple days! What's really nice is that we can connect through Niceville Assembly's FB page and hit more than 600 people with our announcements.

Then it happened, Jordan walked passed and stopped by the bookcase. In his most annoyed 7 year old attitude he said, "Really mom, a boob????????? Right there on the floor??????"

Shaun jumped on that and started asking questions. "Jordan what are you talking about?" "Dad!!!!! A boob....a huuuuuman boob right there on the floor." Of course the questioning steered to me... "Mommy, what is he talking about?"

Yeah, he saw the bra. What was funnier was listening to Shaun explain the difference between a human boob and a bra. "Jordan a boob is attached to someone, you don't take them off. You saw a bra."

I wanted to jump in at that point and argue that not all boobs are attached to people in light of our experience with my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction, but I thought better of it and just giggled.

Starting another year

2011-08-24T08:08:00.000-05:00

How very exciting is it to watch my kids enthusiasm for school!

When I saw Josie in her room finishing her hair this morning, I had to smile. She is taking pride in who she is and responsibility for what she needs to do.

Ethan, packed his own lunch without any help and it actually made it to the backpack. He loves his teacher, Mrs. Brown, and is thrilled to be in 4th grade.

Jordan, as crazy as ever before his meds kick in, then calm, focused, ready to start his day. God bless Mrs. Rosenbleeth for taking on 2nd grade!

Thank you Lord for these amazing children! Continue to bless them, protect them, and draw them closer to you! Amen

LeadHer

2011-08-03T06:54:00.001-05:00

What do you say except "Thank You Lord!" when he blesses you with an amazing night with new friends? I realize that a sense of belonging is a minimum element to health in this world we live in and I dare say that I found a place to belong.

The Niceville Chapter of LeadHer held it's first meeting last night. Twenty-six women with twenty-six different stories gathered in one room to see what this was all about. Excitement and anticipation rose with each participant sharing why they had come.

We all are women that need to connect. Facebook, email, texting, tweeting, blogging, all of that does not take the place of meeting a friend face to face making a real life connection in Spirit.

What is it about a sense of purpose and connection that makes us thrive? My hunch is that there has been a need for this in the Niceville area and God has now chosen the leaders and created a time and space for this.

To educate, edify, encourage, that's what this is all about. To connect to others in the community that love God, and want to share in common and not-so-common experiences. To learn from one another and to grow while impacting the community around us, whether that community be our family, neighbors, friends, schools, churches, who knows...but to connect joined with the love of God!

Lord I pray for Dianne and Monica who have taken on this beautiful ministry for women. I pray many of us can join them in this endeavor to build up women as leaders in Christ and affect our community with Christ's love, acceptance and forgiveness!

Praise God for how he knits lives together!

Summerscape for Josie

2011-07-29T07:13:00.001-05:00

Yesterday Shaun and I sent Josie to her first youth camp experience. Difficult for me because she and I have always gone to camp together. Now I'm not an over-doting mom. I have just always been apart of kidz ministry.

My best efforts not to embarrass Josie failed. I wanted her to be able to leave without any uncomfortable feelings and I blew it. I pray she'll leave that behind and enjoy a wonderful weekend with Pastor Nick and Pastor Shannon and all her friends.

God take care of my little girl and open her heart to you in new ways this weekend.

Birthday Blessings!

2011-05-28T06:46:00.000-05:00

When can you feel more spoiled on a day that starts and ends with your family like this?

Sleeping in

Shaun made me a unique and delicious breakfast with pork, salsa, and other fixin's

Stop at the Bank so Josie can deposit her first week's intern pay.

Shopping at Big Lots for the fun of it

Lunch at Olive Garden - delicious, but could say more

Old Navy clearance with a gift card from my mom! New dress, and several shirts under 30.00.

Dress for Less had a gorgeous purple purse waiting for me!

Off to an amazing pedicure, from a year old gift certificate...thank you Nursery Staff!!!!

Oh, and I should mention, my husband took the boys to the grocery store while I was there to pick up all the fixins' for lasagna, my favorite meal!!!!!

All the while we were out, kidz were sneaking to buy presents and gift wrap for me...

After dinner we had a present treasure hunt designed by the kidz. Loved the little perler bead gifts and a snuggie, jewelry and lotion

Oh and I forgot to mention a nap before dinner.

Then an amazing lasagna - done just perfectly by Shaun!

Josie made me a doubly yummy chocolate cake, frosted and decorated it and remembered to stick in snickers!!!! Love that!!!!!

Oh my what a fun, joyful, and complete blessing this day was. I also forgot to mention that I'm counting backwards now, last year I turned "30" and this year I'm 29! Loving the positive mental energy this is giving me!!!!!

Praise God for all good and perfect things He blesses me with from my family to all my friends...you are an amazing God!!!!!

One Night, 3 Surprises

2011-05-04T06:39:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Niceville Assembly

We all had looked forward to our first Celebration Wednesday with eager anticipation. It was planned at the culmination of 3 weeks of remembrance of Christ's last days. We prayed for many baptisms, baby dedications, and relationships to be built.

What we did not plan on in the children's ministry was only just a moment away from the beginning of the service. Shaun was prepping people to be baptized in the choir room. He asked me to be there to help him remember names of "walk on" people during the evening.

Suddenly, in popped a familiar face. It was Jordan, ready to be baptized, the youngest, yet first of our children to make his decision. I hugged him big, not expecting him actually. I had just talked to each of my kidz on the front row before I left them to help with baptisms. Taking each one of their little faces in my hands, I asked them if they were ready to be baptized, by their daddy, tonight. Each one of them looked at me. Ethan, "No." Jordan, "No mommy." Josie "Not yet mom." Very content that they would make the decision when the Spirit of the Lord moved on them, I hugged each one and went to help Shaun.

So when that little face of JC walked into the music room I couldn't have been happier. After I hugged him, I again took his face in my hands and asked him what it meant to be baptized. He said with great confidence, "Well, mom, I'm starting a new life." I asked him if he wanted to live for Jesus all his life and he said "Of course mom!", like there was really any other way to go! So that settled it for me, he was ready.

I walked him to the tank and gave his little 7 year old hand to his Children's Pastor and Daddy. His big smile showed how excited he was. His Pastor Dad propped him up on his knee and asked him if he decided to make Jesus number one in his life. He responded with an enthusiastic and obvious "Yeah Daddy!" So Shaun continued with "Jordan Cole Wenner, I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Then under the water he went. He came up with the most shining face with a smile that said he knew God was pleased.

I hugged him and we walked back to the side foyer. While descending the stairs to get him all dried off Josie caught my eye. Josie! She's been asking questions, relaying her fears, and discussing the possibility of getting baptized for a couple of years, but hasn't been ready. So when I saw her standing there in line, my heart leaped inside.

I felt rushed to get Jordan dried off so I could get back out to see Josie baptized. But I made it. I could see the tickle in her spirit that she was ready and knew why she was being baptized. Stephanie had walked her out, hiding her behind as she proceeded. Then told Shaun, "And this is JOSIE WENNER!" Shaun's eyes lit up and welcomed his daughter into the tank. "Josie-Lynn Kendall Wenner, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Then under the water she went.

Relief rolled over her face that the water was warm. She dripped all the way to the stairs and down we went together. I couldn't stop hugging her. Didn't care if she was wet, I was so proud that she had made the decision. So we got her dried off and went to head back to sit for the rest of the baptisms. Josie walked ahead of me and scooted herself back to her spot with her friend Maddie Quick.

Then I caught out of the corner of my eye Stephanie handing Ethan to Shaun for his baptism! I was so shocked, I ran right up on stage, looking like a "gumby" according to Jessica Borella. The congregation laughed at the shock of these parents who now have had all their kidz desire to be baptized at the same time. I must have walked right past him when I came down the stairs with Josie and not even realized it! "Ethan David Wenner, I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." And our "little middle" made his confession of faith in his Lord and Savior confirming his decision to live for Jesus all the days of his life.

Excitement competed with peace in my soul to know that God made this first Celebration Wednesday extra special for the Wenner family. God you are so amazing, I will never cease to be in awe of your plans, purposes and your ways. I thank you Lord that your ways are higher than mine and I praise you that you have blessed me with the beautiful scene of each one of my children being baptized for the first time by their Pastor Dad.

I am so blessed!

Waking up in Auburn and Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

2011-04-23T08:34:00.001-05:00

It's a beautiful morning here in Auburn, AL. It's so fun to be able to run away for the weekend, well at least half of it on a whim.

The change of scenery and laughing with friends is so worth the 4 hour drive!

Subway, Cici's, hair cuts in our spare time. Hah! Spare time, when do we ever have spare time! Feels good to make some spare time, I'll tell ya what!

Finished reading The Simple Faith of Mr. Rogers this morning. Amy Hollingsworth writes an awesome book about how she got to know Fred Rogers. His simple messages, his child friendly show, even drew many adults to watch. I admit that it draws me even today when I see the re-runs.

Reading on about how he created Mr. Rogers Neighborhood I realized that I have loved that show since I was little for several reasons.
1. He reminded me that I'm special no matter what.
2. He taught me it's ok to have and express feelings- probably something that lead me into my field of helping people.
3. He taught me to think of others and share life with genuiness-probably what trampolined me toward ministry to children and their families.

Thank you Mr. Rogers for your influence in my life and thank you for teaching me so much about using my imagination!

Near Hit

2011-03-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

After dropping off the kidz at Edge, Shaun and I headed back down 20 to hit Publix before the busy day had to start. Once again, I mean close as I've been in a very long time, Shaun was upon an SUV pulling out of Magnolia Plantation trying to fit where there wasn't enough space.

Praise God for his protection. Shaun hit the brakes, but quickly saw that was not going to be enough to avoid hitting the sport vehicle. God cleared the lane to our right so that Shaun could completely leave the inside lane to drive around the vehicle that had pulled in front of us. It was one of those -no time to hit the horn- kind of near misses. Shaun merely responded with defensiveness, pulled the wheel to the clear area of the road and you could almost feel the air of the SUV whistle by our faces.

When we reached the stop light at Range Road it hit both of us like an emotional hurricane. We really almost ran into that SUV and then swerved avoiding rolling our own van over. Oh how I wish you could rewind times like that and put on the angel gear so you could see the forces of good and evil battling it out in the spiritual realm.

Shaun handled himself very well. He was solid, yes a little shook up, but solid and recovered as if he was flying with his own set of wings on.

The rest of the day continued without incident, but wow, what a way to start your heart rate climbing at 8:15 am!

Odd Day

2011-03-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

Very odd day really. I felt a little off Wednesday morning, but the dizziness was new. I went to work as usual, but carried a cloud of congestion and sluggishness around like it was a winter coat.

Today Shaun suggested I stay home and I didn't fight it. I spent the day walking from one room to another laying down, going to the bathroom, laying down, getting something to eat, laying down...sometimes to actually sleeping, other times just to be still so I wasn't dizzy.

Is this midlife? Help!

Thank you Dianne G.

2011-03-14T05:18:00.000-05:00

My God is amazing because…
God did ____________________ for me today…
I didn’t know what I was going to do but God showed up and…

Dianne, It's been a week or better since I read your posts and devotions in The Journey. Today I needed this one to remember who God is and celebrate what he's done for me.

My God is amazing because he allows me to share God's Truth with new kids each week.

God did a miracle for me today giving me special and sweet time with him before the morning woke up!

I didn't know what I was going to do but God showed up and helped me through a physical issue, once again that I needed to just trust him more with in the first place.

I love you Dianne and I am so thankful for your encouragement and wisdom!

Colleen

Conflict resolution.....

2011-02-22T21:17:00.000-06:00

Just returned from my daughters best friend's house. I am so thankful that other mom's handle things directly. It is awesome to be able to model handling problems in a biblical way and to watch God heal 5th grade relationships.

I pray that my daughter would always be sensitive to others. Lord help her to see others hurting and to know she can approach then and encourage them. Lord help Josie to see when others are upset with her and give her boldness to go to them and ask how she has offended them. Don't let pride infect her relationships with people. May she always go after you with her whole heart and share your love with others without the debilitating effects of gossip, pride, malice, and greed.

Lord help Josie to know that she is your child and that she is worth it to work out conflicts with whomever is with her. May she know that her parents support her in her decisions and even when she makes poor decisions that we will always love her and care about her deeply.

Help her Lord to soften her heart toward those who are hardest for her to be humble around.

Guide her in every relationship and allow her to learn positive ways to handle problems, conflicts, and quarrels that may give her plenty of tools to use throughout her life, in her marriage and in her adult friendships.

I trust you with her Lord. I know you have great plans for her and I pray that she would seek you with all her heart trusting you'll lead her all throughout her life.

Amen
Colossians 3:15 NLT

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Big changes comin'

2011-02-19T04:42:00.000-06:00

I can't believe my daughter will be starting middle school in the fall. I can so get back to those early years, seeing her play, laugh, giggle, care over her brothers, pull jokes on me and her daddy, and cry over the bumps and bruises.

What is it about kids and how fast time flies? I want to enjoy every minute of my kids. When I miss blogging about an event or a moment, I am constantly thinking about it. Like it's haunting me to write it before I loose it from my memory.

What a sweet moment when she came into the kitchen and let me know that she had something to share with me. Yep, I dropped that kitchen towel and followed her back to her room. She opened a folder with Ruckel Rams on the cover and took out papers, reading some to me and asking me to read some to her.

What a privilege to be still welcome into my daughter's world! My heart aches about when I no longer wanted to include my mother in my life. I have prayed since she was a baby that I would be able to be open and accepting of her no matter what type of problem she was facing. I have always wanted a relationship with my daughter that was open and secretly special at the same time.

I believe we're in the middle of a great time together. She's entering preteen years, puberty, peer pressure, etc and she still wants me to snuggle her in bed at night and talk. Sometimes about stuff, sometimes about nothing. I love every minute of it. I love her questions about God, friends, boys, and everything else.

When Josie was dancing in the living room last night singing the 'sugar bugar' song, my heart was warmed by the freedom in her spirit to be her and be silly. I loved sitting with her, Tyler, and Maddie at the table and falling into an organic discussion about their lives.

What a privilege it is to be a place where kids want to hang out and grow up together. Shaun and I have dreamed our home would be the place that friends would hang out. Part of it is for protective reasons. I want to know my child's friends without looking like a snooping parent.

We're definitely heading in a positive direction. I want to set up my kids middle years to be a success and if that means I win the 'weird parent' award because I'm silly around their friends, I'm in! Never have I felt so good just being myself than now.

God, thanks for leading a change in direction for our lives. Thank you for changing the pieces in me that would have recreated unhealthy relationships. Please guide me Lord to be a parent who gives Godly wisdom and points my kids to you with every situation in their lives for answers, reassurance, and confidence.

Three Weeks sick

2011-02-17T09:29:00.000-06:00

Yep, this is the 3rd week of sick kids. 2 weeks ago it was Ethan - high fever and congestion for three days, then back to school. Last week it was Jordan with the same. This week it's still Jordan and he's got the Stomach flu.

I am so thankful for God's mercy...here's my yesterday...

Jordan with a 99 fever and written out of school by Dr. Yang was sitting on the couch most of the morning. I got the house cleaned up, went through email, and sent some things to print at work. When I got the car all loaded to take JC to the church to watch a movie while I got ready for service I found him on the toilet. ?

Talk about miserable...he had the trash can in his hand and had filled it half full with vomit. We have progressed to sickness at both ends. Joy. So off to the drug store to get the phenergin script filled to avoid dehydration.

Before I could go I had to find quarters to stop at the gas station to fill the front tires with air. Yeah, they weren't just a little low, they were next to flat. Only thing is after I put the quarters in the air machine and nothing happened I went in to get help and the BP station was out of business. Why didn't I notice this when I pulled in, you say? Well there was a truck parked with a guy using the pay phone right outside. Let it be known that this does not mean that the business establishment is still in business.

So I called Shaun. He said the tires weren't that flat so just get the meds and come on in to work.

Then it dawned on me that I forgot the script on the microwave. Back to the house. Got the script, off to Walgreens (at the same intersection as the closed gas station).

Pulled in and JC had to GO to the bathroom. That means NOW when a kid has diarehhea like he does. We rushed inside the Walgreens straight to the bathroom. Made it without accident. JC was ok with me leaving him in the bathroom while I dropped off the script, got straws and poweraide, and checked in on him.

Called Sharon for prayer, left a message for Kyle.

The script was ready and he still wasn't able to get up yet. He was still nauseas and very uncomfortable. The pharmacist told me to give him half a tablet of the anti-vomiting meds but they were all whole tabs. So, best thing I could think of was to snap the tab in half. Too small for that. Guess I just need to break it in my teeth. Good idea, bad move. Tab went to powder in my mouth. Yuck!

Managed to find a big enough piece for him to take and opened the poweraide. JC "Wait you didn't pay for that yet!" Why on earth would that matter to him in his physical state?

So JC wants to trade in one of the poweraides for a different kind and strikes up a conversation with the lady at the photo center. Finally we get out of the store and sitting at the light I realized I didn't have my phone. Back to Walgreens we go.

Retraced my steps and I had left the thing at the pharmacy counter. I was so relieved to be back in the car and heading home when Shaun called and recommended that I take the van to Big 10 tires to get the tires fixed on the way in to work.

Are you kidding me? There was no way I was going to go to work with this unpredictable time bomb in the back seat, let alone sit in an auto repair shop!

I had already cleaned up enough mess at the house let alone what it might take to clean up the same at church.

Thankfully Shaun didn't get upset with me. He understood and he even tried to be my knight in shining armor. He got a call from Sharon who had called my cell and had the pharmacy tell her that I left my phone there. So he went to the pharmacy to get my phone. Little did he know I had already gotten the phone.

What a crazy day. And only one last large mess. See no one told me that phenergin numbs you on the inside to the point that you don't feel the need to go to the bathroom when you're sleeping. So poor Jordan woke up in a puddle on the couch.

A day in the life...so glad it's Thursday! And so so so glad that His mercies are new every morning!

2011-01-17T19:41:00.000-06:00

Lessons from a friend.

Met with Nan today. I've been meaning to for a year now, but today was the day for it to happen. I was typing a blog post when I had had it! "I am sick of breast cancer having any part of my life." That was my initial feeling anyway. What was much deeper was a conflict in my soul. Things started to add up with respect to the recent leadership speaker I heard about "In The Meantime".

So out the door I went. I headed to Tom Thumb to pick up a paper that Tara had set aside for me. By the time I got there I had left messages for 4 friends, Diane W., Rebecca Q., Joyce M. and finally Nan C. I found myself next in Bealls Dept. store wandering around in the aisles wanting to buy a bunch of junk, but knowing that would only be a temporary fix to a much deeper emotional problem.

In the middle of the intimate apparel, Nan called me back. Thankfully she was able to meet with me. I grabbed a few things and headed for the cash register. When I got in the van I was glad there was a Waffle House across the street. I sure didn't feel like driving much further before I had some relief from this emotional turmoil.

I sat in the corner booth sorting coupons for about 10 minutes before Nan arrived. I was close to actually leaving at one point, but knew that would only be extending the pain. She arrived and it was great to feel her hug. Then the conversation flowed like water....as did the tears from my eyes. I so wanted to blurt out everything, and I'm sure I didn't make much sense at first because so much came pouring out of my mouth.

I was able to go back a bit and give Nan a more rounded back story to the whole breast cancer thing. After I shared some of my physical issues, she really helped me put into perspective alot of things.

I have not arrived at my totally healing from the emotional scars of breast cancer. And it's OK! I don't have to be whole before I can be a help to others or minister to others in whatever way God calls me to.

It is ok to grieve the loss of what I once had in my physical ability to feel. Job had scars after all his pain even though his situation was so much better than before all his suffering. My family is fine. I didn't want them to ever have to go through what we did in 2006 again and I did everything to prevent it. What I didn't quite realize before I talked to Nan was that they have moved on and are fine now. I still have to live with the decisions I made about my health care, my body, and the scars remaining.

Nan also helped me to realize that I don't have to find another person to share the deep friendship that I have with Diane. It truly is a blessing that I have had the opportunity to experience deep true friendship and walking with the friend like Diane and the Lord through some of the toughest things in our lives. I can always have my friend Diane, just a phone call away. and I don't have to duplicate this! I can just allow relationships to happen as God wills.

Nan got very teary eyed when she began to tell me about how God is a jealous God and when we have allowed friendships between him and us that it's actually sin. Wow, that was a huge wake up call. Yet, it's still ok to miss her but I need to grieve the pieces of me that I've lost to cancer, not the friendships that are now long distance.

Grief is weird. It's real and it's necessary. Yet Nan taught me how to look at this situation and grieve what truly is gone, not what hasn't been lost.

Thanks Nan, and thank you Lord for all your richest blessings!

Moving again, you've got to be kidding me

2011-01-17T13:15:00.000-06:00

Yep, I cannot believe it. The Wenner's are moving again. When the original intention to move to a permanent home after a year here in Niceville had quickly fallen by the wayside with the comfort of our community and neighbors...it is with great surprise that we are moving to another home here in Niceville.

When we received the letter about our health insurance going up $400.00 we really hadn't expected that we would have to move, yet it was one of the first things that popped into the deep dark recesses of my mind. We made phone calls, asked tons of questions, researched different insurance options, and even discussed working another couple jobs so we could stay in the wonderful community we have grown to love.

Nothing was working out. We had many insurance agents sure they could help us, but all turned out to be unable. Next job...pull together a yard sale in a week, see what we can get rid of and how much we could raise for a down payment/deposit on another place.

So that we did...pulled every non-essential thing from our home into the garage, put a price on it, and set it all out for the world to buy on October 29 and 30. So many memories come flooding to your consciousness when you go through your entire house! Every stinking file- we opened and threw out so much. A huge thanks to Sharon Mercer who helped me see that pitching the paperwork from my surgery was a step toward releasing fear of the future.

I had kept all the paperwork, lab results, exrays, cancer info, lymphedema info, etc since 2006. I wanted to be sure that if Josie was every diagnoses with breast cancer that I would be able to give her an accurate account of what had happened to me. As I took all that information and pitched it Sharon said "You're getting rid of more than clutter today Colleen. You're pitching fear!" Wow, that was such a freeing statement to hear.

We were shocked to find that the larger crowd was on Friday. But more than $600.00 later, we realized that we had done pretty well because we hadn't yet sold the larger items except the lawn mower.

I didn't realize I did this until yesterday. But as each of the larger items were purchased and hauled away, I wasn't able to watch. Either Shaun took the money and helped the people move it or they paid me and I moved onto the next person ready to snatch up a good deal.

So we've found ourselves looking at much smaller places just after we've gotten our home finally furnished in each room. The extra room here on Muirfield sure has been wonderful. Three more living spaces than we had ever had before. More places to read, think, relax, enjoy, and space to give each other has been wonderful. Wish it wasn't so short-lived though.

I chose to be thankful for what God has done in our lives and know that with each change, there is some level of pain involved. But "Pain nourishes courage." says Mary Tyler Moore. It is true and it also nourishes faith and obedience. God, I thank you for the few extra months we've been able to stay here on Muirfield Way, but please guide us in our search for a new home this spring. And if there is any way that you can make a miracle happen that we would find favor with the owner to remain here, make it happen Lord.

Even so, we'll glorify you no matter what.

God's working on something

2011-01-07T23:03:00.001-06:00

December 4, 2010

Do you ever wonder how God uses you? It's really something you think about when not really anything is happening in your life and your wondering about your purpose. Maybe you know what your purpose is, yet
wondering just what the heck is up with God because right now things are upside down and backwards from your vantage point.

Today was an unbelievable day for me. I mean on the scale of 1-10 for rehearsals for a musical, today was an 11. I have never taught kids blocking and gone through the entire musical one whole time during the 3 hour Sat. morning rehearsals.

Never, in 16 years have I had a day like today. This awesome and amazing team production team I have been blessed with helped teach places for 40 kids, sing every song in the musical, have a break with food, games, and play time, and THEN return to stage to run through the entire musical in record time.

Makes me wonder how many years God's been working on today. Just what did he spin in motion 3, 6, 10 or even 16 years ago to make today such a success. None of the kids I'm working with right now were even born 16 years ago, but God was doing something.

Maybe he was introducing a couple people who would later marry and have a child that is in our play today. Maybe he was getting someone's heart ready to hear the message for the first time.

Whatever it is that God is working on right now, I pray that however many years it takes to see it come to fruition that I remain as faithful and fervent in my devotion to Him!

Care from God

2011-01-06T07:03:00.000-06:00

What a beautiful night of prayer and celebration with Jesus and our entire congregation!

I was so blessed to be surrounded with children and praying for God to move and again bless this community in 2011. One boy was so sweet to come sit with me. In the middle of one song I realized that he had fallen asleep on me and I felt so fulfilled to share in that moment with him. It was awesome to speak blessings over him of protection, growth and love for his little life.

One woman whom I enjoy as a younger sister and have prayed with her through marital challenges and children things came to sit with me next. I was brought to tears quickly when she thanked me for praying for her marriage, finances and children.

To hear her run through the list of wonderful changes in each of these areas of her life over the past 4 months made me want to celebrate - but I still had that sweet boy sleeping on me so the tears came quietly and I rejoiced with her in the blessings of the Lord in her life.

Thank you Lord for the time we had to sit and listen for your voice and appeal to the power of your love for this church and community in 2011.

And I praise you Lord for a congregation that values time spent with you to kick off the New Year and focus on knowing You more.

Glad I'm His,

Colleen

Happy New Year!

2011-01-05T07:00:00.000-06:00

Day 5 and still working the plan!

Same plan, new year....

1. Find solitude early in the morning

2. Think on "such" things...

Philippians 4:8 (New International Version, ©2010)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

3. Be fruitful...

Galatians 5:22-23 (New International Version, ©2010)

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

God, purify me to be your light, be humble and committed to your plan.

The Sing Off

2010-12-14T20:54:00.000-06:00

Don't know how I get things so mixed up, but I've been hearing about the premier of The Sing Off coming to start last night at 8:00. So we tuned in and sure enough it was The Sing Off, but there had already been a bunch of groups eliminated. They are down to the last 6, well 5 now.

The whole family watched it and wow, what talent! I was hoping that Jordan would grasp a bit of what his singing future could be like while watching, but he was still pretty distracted throughout the whole show.

On The Rocks performed Def Leopard's Pour Some Sugar On Me and it was great entertainment, fun to watch, amazing voices, all accapella, the beat, the keys, everything from the mouths of the singers. Of course this is a classic song from my high school years, but it was interesting hearing Jordan's response.

"Mom, what does [pour some sugar on me] mean?" "Oh I know it means I'm gonna get really, really, really...

HYPER!"

Cracked me up! It was like rotfl, kinda moment!

Lovin' the innocence of childhood!

Kaylee's 2010 Christmas solo

2010-12-13T08:28:00.000-06:00

Flylady come home

2010-11-12T14:25:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's been 4 years and 11 months since we met. For 2 1/2 years I was a good 'baby' learning all the steps. I mean, I was flyin' along in life, organized, together, on time. The whole sh-bang. Then I drifted away from our relationship into busy-ness.

Its been about 2 years of totally ignoring her.

Cathryn, she introduced me to flylady. I have to tell you, 4 years ago, she changed my life. I was at a point in my life where my house wasn't what I wanted it to be. My life was cluttered and crazy. I couldn't find pans I needed to cook, towels I knew I had washed, matching socks for the kids to wear to school, or even my own underwear. Flylady.com made a difference in my life and I know the reason why. She was that 3rd party that I could 'invite' into my home to help me become a more organized and less chaotic person.

"You're not behind. I don't want you to try to catch up. Just jump in where you are!" That's what she told me at the bottom of every email. Talk about guilt-free living. Then I allowed life to become too busy to even keep myself organized. Sounds stupid, but that's what I did.

I began working full-time, had 3 kids in school, and my life was at church ministering to kids. This was no little ministry either. This was a children's church of about 800 on the roles at the time. Any given Sunday we'd have 3-400 kids in attendance at any one of our 4 simultaneously running services. But that's not what I want to talk about.

See I followed Flylady long enough to start reprogramming my mind into positive thoughts that would propel me to get moving, get things done, stay focused, and enjoy more time doing things I wanted to do. I didn't realize just how much stuck with me until this past Thursday.

I finally made my way back to the site, re-subscribed, and got back on the band wagon. I was astonished. I was amazed. I was so flabbergasted. The same things that I had learned to do 4 years ago I found myself still doing. Get up and get dressed to shoes, do your hair and face. Just that was going through my head everyday and it became a habit. There were days I chose to ignore the voice and just lay around till it got to late and then rushed to get ready. But for the most part it was, get up, get dressed to shoes, do your hair and face.

There were some other things that I had kept going without realizing it like Swish and Swipe. I had even taught my kids to Swish and Swipe and what a difference it had made in my ability to keep the bathrooms tidy for unexpected guests. We have a lot of those now that we live in a development and the kids frequently are over here playing together. I have to admit, it's a good feeling to know your bathroom is in good shape without having to run to it and check when someone asks where it is!

I just love it. I am so back on track now that I've completed the daily routines and the weekly mission in no time. Yes, I actually washed the baseboards in my bathrooms this weekend. (well, I taught Ethan how to do that in the kids bathroom, but that counts!) I found myself 'refreshing' my kids minds on how to do the swish and swipe after I watched a funny video on flylady that showed a 2 year old doing it with ease.

I even went out and got new supplies to make sure the swiping got done each day. Spray cleaner, paper towels, and a new toilet brush (that old one was so disgusting, I couldn't blame my kids for not wanting to touch it). I guess I should define swiping. It's not the 'stealing of things out of the bathroom', although it sounds that way. But it is Spraying the sink and vanity and wiping it down real quick.

So all total, I've gotten a handle on my laundry - it's actually all done for the first time in 2 1/2 years; my bathrooms are clean enough for the 'walk-ins'; and here's the real kicker.... I have the dishes to the point that the kids can load in the dirty dishes when they are finished eating! Now that's just amazing. I'm not waking up to a sink full of dishes and feeling depressed every morning. The sink is shining and smiling at me.

Feels good, next I'm working on a Journal Binder that will allow me to keep this going no matter what life throws at me. Yeah flylady, welcome back into my life!

How are we doing God?

2010-09-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

Sitting here at 3:56 am on a very early Monday morning. Been up for about an hour, knowing that God has something for me. I wonder what it is tonight?

Wonderful day yesterday in ministry and relaxing at home. Emptied the pool due to algae. Yeah. that was not fun, but Shaun did most of the work, so I won't complain. Still have to get the sludge out of the bottom after work today. Not looking forward to that at all, but would love to have access to the pool for the next 2 months of real heat here in Florida.

It was defeating at first to watch that water, all the recent chemicals, and time we'd put into the pool lately run out on the ground. In about 2 weeks of little use the algae moved in. So much rain and so little use and shock treatments had caught up with it. Couldn't see the bottom and no amount of shock, clarifyer, or algaecide was going to recreate the beautiful, sparkling water we'd come to enjoy.

But what's up God, I think I'm distracting myself with the pool typing. I'm obviously up to do something with you, so what'll it be Lord. Have I been faithful lately? Have I remembered you at all times I needed to? Do you feel like I've been a good friend? Sometimes I wonder about my friendship with the Almighty God in heaven. What is it that makes him want to be my friend? His love was so great for his people that he sent his Son, his one and only Son to pay my price for all the things I would do in this life that would sin against your greatness.
Lord show me your heart, your way, your glory. Fire fall down....fire fall down...on us we pray.

Lord help me wake in two hours to start your day with a smile.

Jordan-ism 8.21.10

2010-09-08T22:26:00.001-05:00

Jordan (age 6) gets up from bed, sneaks into my reading room, hugs and kisses me then says "I love you mom, with all of my heart. If you died I'd call 911. Are you going to die tomorrow cuz your skin is getting loose."

What do you say to that? Except that I'm missing my beauty sleep.

Window Tinting

2010-09-08T22:17:00.000-05:00

“Clean car boogie” happens every Friday at the Wenner’s. We all pile out of the car after we get home from school on Friday. Then before our minds get distracted by supper, neighborhood friends, or menial tasks, we grab a grocery bag and fill it with the week’s junk, debri, and unwanted items. When we’re finished we can usually see the van flooring, well, carpet anyway.

It truly is amazing how even the “picked up” van actually feels so much better. The van usually needs more than just a clear out. The crumbs from snacks, the shredded papers from the busy hands in the back seat that fall in the cracks between the side panel and the carpet, and the little water spills that collect dirt as they are stepped on still remain. Yet, there is a sense of peace knowing we don’t have to step over a bunch of crap the next time we get in the van.

How much is this like us? Sometimes we don’t even know about the dirt inside us spiritually. What is it? Where has it come from? When is it going to overflow? (The McDonald's cup falling out onto the parking lot when we open the car door.)

What’s my dirt? Well, not many people get to see it except my family, but I have a bummer of an attitude some days and it’s just down right depressing. How awful is it that the people I love the most in the world have to put up with me? What kind of spiritual woman of God am I modeling for my daughter and sons? Proverbs 31 - hardly.

We do all sorts of things to “clean it up” or cover it up. I can usually turn off my attitude and be polite for short periods of time on those days that I want to chew off someone’s head. But the more I’m thinkin’… I believe that method is probably more of the dirt I need to get rid of.

What does covering it up do to us? Window Tinting, yeah, that's it, you can't see the detail inside a car when the window is tinted. That's a good fix for a car. Doesn't do much for the soul though. Window tinting is the same as the masks we wear. We can put on a good mask to make us look good, seem fine, and be successful. We can even put on a mask to look like nothing is wrong and that our life is perfect. Window tinting sure does make cars look good!

What effect does the stuff swept under the proverbial carpet have on our lives? That stuff can just stay there! At least that is what I grew up learning. “Just forget about it” were often the words I would hear when something was bothering me. Without the ability to process what I was feeling and being directed to just forget it, kinda left me in a bind.

The stuff swept under the carpet eventually grows into an invisible pink elephant in the room. For those of you in the addictions counseling field, you know exactly what I mean. Even people that are visiting, can feel something is wrong, but can’t fix it or identify the root cause.

Here’s where the Lord comes in. At least here’s where I let him in because I am at the end of the “I can just…..” and I’m empty of all other options. Well, MY options.

Sometimes I wonder how many times I’m going to continue on that path of knowing I’m all about the Kingdom of Me instead of the Kingdom of God. (from Kay Warren’s book, Dangerous Surrender) The Kingdom of me puts me first, even when I look like I’m trying to serve others. The Kingdom of me does the bare minimum for others and reserves the best for myself.

It’s like a deja voo (sp?) every time. You know you’ve felt this before. You just know you’ve been to the point of asking that God would just fix it. Seems as though until the elephant is so big that you can’t squeeze around it any more, is the only point at which you surrender and let God in.

It’s that warrior getting in front of the princess He’s created me to be. I praise God for his patience, grace and mercy that goes beyond what I could imagine. He truly does know me and he truly does take all things and works them for our good. Even when we try to tint the windows, he's patient to wait until we're ready for his help.

Empty

2010-09-01T09:20:00.000-05:00

Ever have God wake you up to tell you that you're empty? That was me last night, except he didn't exactly say "Colleen, you're empty." It was more like...typed a few words, typed a few more words and knew that there was a common thread, a way to make an analogy that would tie it together with a pretty bow. But didn't.

Immediately thought of my good friend Dianne Guthmuller. A daily blog on the old testament? Are you kiddin' me? Now that's drive! To read, understand and make applicable connections to today's life on a DAILY basis. Guess that brings me to the humble point of realizing I'm not 'all that' once again in this walk with Christ and that he's got a plan for me that's bigger than I can put my head around. So I better get to it and dive into his word to have something inside to give.

God fill me!

Are You Kidding Me?!

2010-08-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

Ya know, when God has a plan it's really amazing to watch it unfold. If you can wait that long. Most of the time we get so cranky and frustrated that we try to 'help' God out and hurry things along. Well, at least I do, and I am unique, so it could be just me, but...

Anyway...as Pastor says he's a BIG God. Last week I turned my 'funnel' to correctly collect my circumstances and it's amazing, just astounding that filtering my stuff through him produces peace in my life.

See, it's the lawnmower that is broke so the lawn is growing out of control, the pool taken over by algae, needs drained, scrubbed, and refilled; the cars out of gas, and I have many more responsibilities at the office with the unfortunate resignation from Lisa...boo, hoo. On top of that I'm heading through one of those God cycles that he likes to chat with me at odd hours in the middle of the night. (oh wait that's supposed to be a good circumstance, sorry God.)

Last night was nice, he waited to wake me until 4:30am. I love the quiet time in the morning and I absolutely love getting myself together before waking the the troops. This morning was the same. Had some time to journal/blog, and spend with God in prayer before the craziness started.

So back to the point, rushing God. I look back to other moments and circumstances in time that I've written in here and realize what is actually challenging now is NOTHING to what some days have been like. So I'm going to stop the whining.

I have in many circumstances though pushed to get things done and the realized that I've missed a blessing and settled for something less than what God had in store. See it was rushing to buy the used car when someone had one they offered us, after the fact. It's that hurry up and fix it attitude that gets me the great accolades about being a go-getter!

The same attitude gets ahead of God. It's that 'put my foot in my mouth again.' feeling that I am so used to feeling. It's all about balance. Ever hear that before? Well it's true. This weeks blessing comes in the form of a ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Now I feel like I've been patient trying to get our lawn mower fixed, then to find out that it would cost about the same to get a new one as to fix it...well, that's a no brain-er. Yet Shaun and I had a 'check' about buying a couple hundred dollar push mower. (A check in this situation = not enough in the account to write a check;-)

We put it off and procrastinated and watched the lawn grow out of control all while the neighbors have those meticulously manicured lawns. And here we are now with the most amazing and yes, I'll say it, beautiful riding lawn mower! I have no idea who receives a gift of a lawn mower, certainly not us. Then I said, ya know God, why not us? Actually, why not sooner, lol, nevermind.

So I get to watch my husband ride around on the lawn on this whatever-horsepower machine looking great and getting the task done with ease. Well, ease AFTER he figured out the touchy clutch. Surely very different than a vehicle!

God bless you Jeff and Rebekah! You have truly blown us away with your generosity and thoughtfulness. I hope Shaun sent you the pictures.

Going public

2010-08-20T11:12:00.007-05:00

So I've taken the plunge and opened my blog to the internet. I've prayed that God would use my life circumstances to help others and I suppose it would be easier if I let people know what they are. So read back a little in September of '06 to find out when I started blogging and what got me here.

Every time I read my posts I find out something about myself. Odd you say? Well, once you get the thoughts our of your head, your brain can read and digest them. There's probably a good analogy in there somewhere, but I'm not coming up with a fantabulous explanation right now.

So I'm going public. I'm on a list ofNiceville AG blogs that people can peruse. I pray God use my life to change others into what he wants them to become. I know I'm not done changing yet - rigor mortis hasn't yet set in. (yes, I had to look up how to spell rigor mortis)

Come along with me and find out why Warrior Princess, and don't be alarmed if you find my transparency awkward. I've always hated Halloween cuz of the mask thing...it's too hot and I hate to breath my own breathe. So I don't wear masks about who I am or what I'm about.

Comments are always welcome, one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation, so make sure they are all positive! Just kiddin'. You don't get anywhere in life without constructive criticism except swirlin' around in the same toilet bowl.

I've tried to end this post several times, and I can't figure out what would "sound" good. So I hope this "reads" good...

Catcha ya next time!

Random Google thoughts...

2010-08-20T11:04:00.005-05:00

Ok, I haven't figured all this out yet, but I know a couple things for sure...I like Google Chrome, it is faster than I'm used to. I am totally confident that I will get used to this speed and want more - it's an addiction after all.

iGoogle is cool with personal info all on the same page. Now to figure out why I have two accounts that don't do the same things. Thinkin' of deletin' one.

Was thinking about the question that Google asks....Name one thing you can't find using Google search? In the past I would have a long list of things, but I have to admit that would be all because of user error. All I can come up with right now is my socks! Laundry completion helps that problem out tremendously.

What this has to do with my walk figuring out who I'm fighting to be for God? Well, I have no idea, but I could stretch to say that as I'm wading around Google and trying to be computer and internet savy, I'm finding there should be an even greater desire for God in my life, in my reading and in my writing.

Here's to another pointless expression for the blog. Never promised anything, did I?

Finger Crumbs

2010-08-17T06:56:00.005-05:00

End of the day, yes it was Monday. We were all tired and just arrived home. Seemed like a good evening, had a plan for dinner, most of the kids school work was finished. Then it happened, my daughter decided that she hated fish and she was going to make peanut butter and jelly for dinner. For some reason that set me off and I simply responded, "No." Well that set off a fury of crazy female emotions in both of us.

I didn't quite understand what she was talking about. Wasn't it just a few weeks back that I made amber jack and she loved it. I felt good about that, cuz I don't remember liking fish when I was a kid, but this fresh-out-of-the-gulf stuff is amazing! I don't even remember what she said next, but it was probably just as rude as my "no."

Shaun heard that and sat her down to think. I started making dinner and explained to Shaun that she decided she didn't like fish after she saw the frozen boxes of pretzels. It didn't really matter at that point. Shaun and I talked about it and I decided it didn't matter if the kids had cereal for dinner. He agreed, we sat out the cereal and I baked the fish for he and I.

Course I needed to get the bread crumbs over the honey mustard glaze to make it look and taste extra delicious. We had some Italian bread I toasted and cut up to cover that. Funny though, when I was cutting up the bread, I was using a simple steak knife. (yeah that's a mistake, stick to your chopping knives for chopping things)

As I was chopping I found that I was feeling very angry and in the process my finger made it under the blade. I could feel me bearing down with my right hand onto my left middle finger. Do you know that split second between when you realize that you're hurting yourself and you stop to clean it up? Yep right there...God spoke. In that split second and with a few drops of blood He got my full attention.

After I rinsed off my finger I realized that I was more angry than I thought. I had to get it together here, I sure didn't want blood in my bread crumbs. Even more-so I didn't want to be 'bleeding' unnecessary anger and hurt onto my daughter. Josie as a first-born, is an easy target to parentify and expect more from than what she is capable of.

And what the heck is wrong with her not wanting fish for dinner anyway? I hated it when I was young and was forced to eat what was on the table. Went hungry alot and it probably did me good to some degree. Then I began to remember the resentment and anger toward my mother for not just expecting I eat whatever was for dinner, but more so for not hearing me on other levels too.

My heart began to soften because this probably has nothing to do with what's for dinner, but is a character lesson for me and God to fish through together. (Oh look at the pun - not my nature or my style but I'll leave it in for effect;-)

So God what do you want to fish through here? Is it my hard-headedness? We've been down that path many times. Is it my battle with being a good mom? Or is it just simply that I'm supposed to eat the fish for dinner and let Josie make her own dinner.

Who knows but God? As usual, my answers will come as I sit to read his word and just 'by chance' end up on "parents don't frustrate your children." Funny how God helps us find what he wants to show us.

I sit here and smile knowing that my sweet chats at the end of the day with Josie have gained us ground in our relationship. I'm not loosing her to the pre-teen independence journey, not yet. I'm just eating fish myself tonight. Thankfully, with no finger crumbs in the breading:-)

4th Generation Blessing

2010-07-14T11:18:00.001-05:00

Visitation is a wonderful thing that we are asked to provide as part of the Niceville Assembly staff. Shaun and I love to visit shut-in's, the sick, and those that have had a recent tragedy. Last week, Shaun and I split up to get it all done and cover everyone because there was one death, and one in ICU which required us to step it up.

My sweet visits with Ms. Zadie were so precious. I could so relate to her struggle with pneumonia because of my serious sickness battling that and the Swine Flu in December. She is a ray of sunshine and a very strong testimony for the Lord as she prays for each of her roommates in the hospital. She calls me her "Little Preacher Girl"; makes me smile.

One of our precious long time members Ms. Phyllis passed on Sunday morning. Battling cancer for over 5 years, her fight came to an end at 9:30 am that day. Shaun was deeply touched by his last visit with her and her husband Doug. They have been married 58 years...what a testimony of a life of love surrounded by Christ.

The day of the funeral Shaun and I were blessed to be able to care over the great grand kids for an hour before the service drawing pictures of "Grandma the Great". I was so honored to be holding newest member of the NAG family, Caleb Sam. Shaun helped the 4 kids make pictures and frame them for the dessert table to show their family. We had an amazing time of processing their feelings about Grandma the Great dying and being with Jesus in heaven.

Oh how sweet it is to hold the 4th generation of a family that has a strong Christian heritage. A new baby and a new promise of God's love to the world. God give us the ability to see you through the ages and how you create time and space for us to experience you every day.

God shows up yet again despite my ineptness

2009-11-16T00:13:00.002-06:00

Yep, God did it again. I had to leave Shaun behind with Jo and JC today and go to church to continue teaching the musical at NAG.

The team so stepped up - Pam wanted to help with coffee creamers, and such. Ashlyn made the coffee, Kim covered the front desk and Sue was there to cover all the loose ends.

What most caught me in a God moment was the Spirit of the Lord connecting Mike and I with the same message for the kids about how God has chosen them just as he chose Mary. From the intro of the song to the closing prayer, he and I were on the same wave length and ministering the same message.

It was such a sweet moment with the Lord as we all sat at the front of Kidschurch and just listened for God to speak to us. So many kids - 12 or 15 individually prayed for their homes and their circumstances. It was truly a beautiful time. One that I rarely find I have alone with God let alone in a room filled with children.

Thank you God for the beautiful moments you gave us this morning to remind us that you have us in the palm of your hand.

11:52 am And 2 up past 102 degrees

2009-11-15T23:52:00.003-06:00

Can't believe that I missed a whole month of blogging here, but it takes unusual circumstances to create time for me to sit and write.

So last month I had a sinus infection at the same time the kids all went through the flu. This month, it's Josie and Jordan again with fevers - higher than last month...and me with the sinus junk again. Getting used to new climates isn't easy.

We went through this when we moved to Winston from Erie too. Everyone in the family took turns with sicknesses for an entire year. Course then, the kids were much much younger - Jordan was a newborn, E was just 2 and Jo was almost 4. Seeing them sick doesn't get any easier as they get older, that's for sure. It is a little simplier though. They can talk, so it's easier to figure out what's wrong, and they can take meds so much easier now than then!

Jordan peaked at 104 just an hour ago and I panicked a little. Hadn't remembered high temps like that since the kids were hospitalized for illnesses, so I had to regroup and make some phone calls.

Sad thing is, the MD I just switched to from the disorganized, non-pediatric practice, for some stupid reason isn't accepting calls tonight. There will truly never be another Dr. Susan Ziglar on the planet. She was the best - most reliable and honest MD - knowledgeable and so straight forward with plenty of empathy so you didn't feel like an idiot when you asked questions.

Oh good, Jordan is perking up a bit after the dose of tylenol on top of the ibuprofen from 9:30...yeah, course that means that he becomes incredibly normal behavior-wise when he isn't feverish. Which at 12:09 a.m. isn't exactly what I'm looking for. Tough battle - don't want the kids to suffer with a hunderd four fever all night, but now he's probably going to be up all night because he's not tired.

One last hour of tv, then it's story time and then lights out. Hopefully it'll seem like a 'regular' bedtime routine enough that they'll just fall asleep 'normally'. But it's probably just wishful thinking. I'm sure I'll fall asleep before they do.

Jordan's journey down Muirfield Way

2009-09-27T21:40:00.006-05:00

I was awoken today by Jordan who let me know that he was very sorry, but that it was time for him to return to North Carolina and live with Mr. Anthony. He further stated that "I just miss my friends to much." "Don't worry mom, God will take care of me." Then he left the room and I was in a quandry. Do I take this seriously? Is he acting on what he knows how to do to fix a situation? How fragile is he right now if I handle this wrong - will he recover and feel loved? So I prayed.

Shortly, he returned to make sure I knew that this was his last time to give me a hug and then he'd be off. "Just one more hug and a kiss." I gave him the hug and a kiss and asked him if we could talk about it and he said "No, my mind is made up." Then he left the room. Well, at 8 am on a Saturday morning, this was a little more than I was prepared to handle. But God did give me a quick idea.

Just last night I was playing a little ventriquillism game with the kids and Little Lion Larry. We had such a blast that I knew if I took Larry that I may be able to buy some talk time with him. I went out the front door to find Shaun following him on foot. Jordan was on his flourescent green high-rider 2 wheeler (training wheels still attached) and about 50 yards ahead of his dad. I had to run to catch up to Shaun and became very thankful that Jordan had stopped to look back. It was my chance to wave that Little Lion vigorously so that he might come back to chat.

He saw Little Larry and began to return. We were both thankful, but wondered if it could be this easy to get him back to the house. Of course he decided that he'd take Little Larry and go ahead and continue on his journey to North Carolina. I was heart-broken, but really knew he'd somehow come around. We asked him to come home one more time and he only continued to ride away.

Then Little Larry's leg got caught in the front wheel of Jordan's bike. He called out to his daddy to come help. Shaun began walking to him, but well before he got there Jordan had freed Larry's leg. We continued to coerce him to think about his decision...

We asked him how he would eat and he said that he didn't need to. That floored Shaun and I because this is a kid that doesn't stop eating his favorite dish of spagetti until he almost throws up. We continued to ask him if he had enough money to get all the way to NC. Well, that reminded him that he had forgot his money so he requested we go back and get it for him. When we told him he'd have to get his money himself he became upset and angry, but began to follow us back to the house.

We walked slowly so he could catch up, but then heard him crying. He had just begun to fall apart emotionally. First he was upset that we wouldn't get his money, then as his daddy picked him up to carry him back to the house it really was all about missing his old home and his friends like Mr. Anthony.

We knew he only had about $1.65 in his piggy bank in his room, but that didn't matter to him. He had to come to the realization that he wanted to stay.

My heart really went out to our little guy. During the whole episode my mind couldn't help but wander into the future. Would we see this exact same thing again in his teen years? Would he rebel and leave or run away? What would it be like for us when our last child goes to college - or worse yet in my mind, enlists in the armed forces?

Right now, I plan to make sure he knows that I am so happy he made the choice to return to us. What else Lord? If I would have told him he's not leaving - he would have only wanted to leave more. If we would have dragged him back screaming from the street, that wouldn't have been dramatic to say the least.

Nevermind what the neighbors were thinking. 5 year old on his bike well ahead of both his parents down the road to live with his old friends. Dad walking along to catch up, then mom in her pajammas running behind them all with Little Larry Lion in tow. Oh Lord...yet another day for the Wenner's that you've blessed us with to grow in love toward each other.

Hot Eye Balls!

2009-09-15T18:59:00.003-05:00

Hot Pepper! Oh my word Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot pepper! I was thinking sweet banana pepper. While making a salad for my husband I thought I'd add a sweet pepper to mix it up a little. I cut a piece and tasted it just to make sure it was sweet and not hot. Seemed ok...

Then, I decided to pop one of the slices into my mouth and FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!

I ran to the fridge for the milk, water - not a good option. After two glasses of milk, I still needed the oils to cool - ate some rice - didn't taste much of it, but the neutral blandness helped too.

So all is fine, right. Dinner ensued at the table in our new and beautiful home in Niceville, Florida. Until...my eye itches. I unassummedly wipe it off....WITH A FINGER THAT HAD NOT BEEN COMPLETELY CLEANED OFF AND OH HOW I DANCED, SCREAMED, AND HOLLARED.

Shaun's attempts to find help online sounded more like what not to do than what to do - water! That's crazy!!!

So as my eye was pouring out tears and the stinging was incredible, the kids were piling kleenex on my head. I asked for an ice pack which no one heard me say. Finally I got one and well....it was amazing....

A soft ice pack on my almost immediately took the stinging out. Whew! What a relief!

So for all those who are asking me if I gave those net answer people a piece of mind, well, no, I just answered a question about how to help someone with hot pepper in their eye! Very kindly, thank you.

Announcement of our call to Niceville, Florida

2009-05-27T23:08:00.002-05:00

A wonderful opportunity has crossed our paths here in the Wenner household! God has brought Shaun and I to a place that he is releasing us to our passion in ministry and he has clearly called us to be Children's Pastors.

We were not actively looking, however, a Pastor called came to us several months ago and we have been praying, fasting, and pondering this opportunity. God now has spoken and we are obeying his call. It's so exciting I can hardly contain myself, yet I know goodbyes are around the corner and are going to kill me emotionally:-(

Within the last couple weeks we have received an offer from a church in Niceville, Florida. For those of you who know Pastor Tommy and Liz Brown as well as Pastor Aaron and Mandy Ross...the offer comes from the church God sent them from!

Niceville AG is a small town snuggled in along the West Florida Panhandle just minutes from the Gulf of Mexico. They have been in a long and deliberate search for a husband and wife team to minister to their community of families and children. We were recommended to them and we have stepped out in faith accepting the opportunity to minister to these fabulous children.

May of you know that God has called us to children's ministry. And many of you also know that we have a huge heart for foreign missions work. This opportunity is providing us the ability to do both. God distinctly spoke to both of us in October of 2008 clarifying our call - "GO!... raise kids to know and love missions work and to become missionaries."

So at this point we are in a process of transition - one of many large transitions that we have faced in our marriage of almost 15 years now. Some have been favorable and came much as blessings, others were frustrating and devastating, yet grew us together in ways that only God knew would benefit us in our work for Him.

We are due to leave for Niceville, FL on June 15th. Our POD will arrive at our house on the 8th of June. We will begin filling it for transport to a Pensacola storage facility until we locate suitable housing when we arrive. The church is blessing us with covering our moving costs as well as our medical insurance coverage until the new plan comes into effect.

We have made a formal announcement to the children in Xtreme Club as recent as May 24th. So if you've heard it from them - this email should clear up any questions you may have had initially. We are thrilled to be walking into a new view of God's will for us and our family. Our children are ecstatic to be moving to the ocean, yet are as of this week realizing it means saying goodbye to the friends they have grown to know and love in the 5 years we've been rooted here in Winston.

Sorry this is long, but I wanted to make sure you all knew that God - through His infinite wisdom, grace, and love has brought us to a point of readiness for this and has opened the flood gates in our direction. Many of you have walked with us through almost loosing Jordan at 18 months of age, my breast cancer, Shaun's spinal surgery, and that's just the physical battles we've faced in the last 5 years. The emotional, mental and spiritual dig deeper into our souls and have created ready and willing hearts for God's call.

The children of Niceville have many needs just as our children here have, and many others of which we only will learn once we arrive and begin building relationships with those precious in God's site.

We appreciate your continued prayers and support during this transition. Please stop in or call anytime. We realize time is short and we would love to hug all of your necks a few times before we pull out on the 15th. But most of all we want to thank the youngfamilies group for being a true FAMILY to us.

Much love and blessings to all of you,
Shaun and Colleen Wenner
Josie, Ethan, and Jordan
814-490-2201 Shaun
814-490-7636 Colleen
PS. The Gulf Coast is an extraordinary place to visit, vacation, and visit again. So if your travels bring you our way, look us up!
swenner@nicevilleag.com
cwenner@nicevilleag.com

Our Faith Walk to Niceville

2009-04-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

Oh Lord, it’s 2:00 am and you’ve got me up. Speak to me Lord…help me to hear your voice. Help me to know your calling me at this time to just be with you. Allow me in this Comfort Suites hotel room 104 to hear your voice. It’s quiet Lord, just the occasional rolling over of a child and the cpap for Shaun rhythmically running to help him sleep with full oxygen.
Lord we’re here in Niceville Florida. You brought us here to check out this Children’s Pastor position. It’s much more than a job, or a position for us Lord. It’s something that Shaun and I have always wanted to do together. We love kids and we love God and we love to share his love with kids. To be able to do it together exclusive of working in a secular environment seems too good to be true.
Yet, our current jobs seemed too good to be true as well. Working on campus with each other for the same church and having our children in the same building to keep watch over them and to ease the morning craziness all going to one place. It seemed so unimaginable because life is usually so much more complicated.
Our complications have come in a different form. Financial strain, cancer, major back surgery, sickness with our children, emergency ER visits for our children, rodents, bugs, and other living creatures sharing our living space very uncomfortable ways. God I can live like this, yet, I want more for the kids. You have something more for us all.
Do I dare to believe in something better, less stressful, more fulfilling, even plentiful? Could it possibly be true that this church would meet our every need and we could maybe live in a bit of abundance. In The Prayer of Jabez I learned that there is more, more for us as Christians to be taken hold of. More to pray for of God’s blessing and abundance. I guess it’s very difficult for me to believe that life doesn’t have to be a constant struggle and strain.
You have called us to persevere and see our earthy struggles through because the truth is that this life is no more than an hour and a half in the light of eternity. Who couldn’t last and hour and a half when eternity in heaven is the next step?
Lord, the kids have already begun to bond here. It’s crazy! These people are so loving and outward focused that you step into the building and you feel Your presence and love immediately! Josie ran to us last night after we had taken them to the Wednesday evening movie night and was excited to let us know that she had made a friend and told us her name. She was so excited.
The kids integrated into the culture and activities here very quickly. I know that wherever we go there will be an adjustment and a needed time of processing , but I am confident that it will mostly be about missing our friends and family in Winston.
What is the chance Lord that we may actually be able to experience some of your exceeding and abundant blessing here on this earth – even in the land of the living as Psalm 27 says?
God our conversation with Kraig and Pastor Phil yesterday at lunch got very personal. I had been praying that we could get to the details about what the financial piece may look like for us here. I thank you Lord for giving us the right moment to express our situation and our hearts for our own children. We talked about the sacrifices that our kids have made so that we could keep them in private school, and still make our monthly bills. They have heard No so much about things that would just make life a little more interesting and fun for them. And we have wanted to be sure to avoid the ‘poor’ mentality with them. Yet some of their questions make my heart sob.
Lord, Pastor knows our financial struggles, but also knows our hearts and our needs. We’ve shared more than we thought we would regarding this with him Lord and we want to trust and believe that what he says is true, that this church will take care of us. Lord help us believe this. Help us trust in you that you are pulling this whole thing together so that more kids will be reached with your love through us. What a humble calling? What an awesome privilege! What a heavy load without daily leaning on you Lord.
Keep me humble Lord, keep me seeking after you. Open more opportunities for me to see you calling me to you just to be with you.
Lord I thank you for the small lessons of this trip…
*kids can enjoy the beach on a chilly, overcast day even when a red flag is waving
*Kids can reach into the hearts of those near them to be kind and friendly
*Our kids can adapt to your plan
*Josie truly knows that comfort comes from your word. The heavy thunderstorm today was clear evidence that Josie hates lightening. Yet, she calmed down when I opened your word and read Psalm 121 to her when we got to the hotel. She knows there is power in your words Lord!
*People are good, loving, and open to you
*You have a bigger plan than what we can see and you are unfolding it before our eyes
*Lord your will, not ours – Your plan, not ours – Your way, not ours
*May we live in the grace and mercy of the Lord and rest in the comfort of His arms as we are humbly, not groveling, but humble about our lives with you Lord.

Reverant Fear of God

2009-04-13T20:51:00.004-05:00

Just some thoughts about the Fear of God and Fear in general versus God's love...

It is amazing how God creates in us the ability to think and question to learn and have understanding. My recent question is how to teach children the concept of Fearing God, without them being afraid of who God is. So my search lead me to the Bible and the references in my Topical Index of my Quest Study Bible. So all quoted scripture will be in the NIV text.

Reverant Fear

1 Peter 1:17 "...live your lives as strangers here in reverant fear."

Exodus 3:6 God spoke to Moses to take off his sandlas and "Moses hid his face because he was afraid..." to look into the eyes of God.

Numbers 17:12 The Israelites realized it was God, not Moses who is the author of disaster..."Anyone who even comes near the tabernacle will die..."

Deuteronomy 5:5 The Israelites were afraid of teh fire so Moses stood between them and the burning bush.

2 Chronicles 26:5 Uzziah learned from Zechariah about the fear of God. As long as He sought God he was given success.

Psalm 14:5 The righteous have a fear or awesome respect for God. The wicked experience the dread of his wrath.

Psalm 19:7-9 "The precepts of the Lord are radient...the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever." Study of the law of God increases our respect for Him and increases our desire to serve Him.

Psalm 25:14 "The Lord confides in those who fear Him; He makes his covenant known to them." This text particularly interests me. I am always wanting to know what the heck God is up to and this text seems to imply that my level of fear/respect of the Lord determines how much I know of his plans!

Psalm 103:11 "As far as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him."

Psalm 141:3 "Keep watch over the door of my lips." Here David was more than concerned about what came out of his mouth, constantly guarding it that nothing ungodly would be said.

Proverbs 1:7 "The fear of teh Lord is the beginning of knowledge." Solomon's desire to know God deeply is evident in many of the Proverbs.

Jeremiah 38:9 This text describes the prophet Jeremiah when he had been thrown into a cistern by officials of King Zedekiah (not that the King had condoned it or repealed it). Yet Ebed-Melech, a Cushite and official of the royal palace, who feared the Lord and respected Jeremiah as a prophet of God rose to the cause of justice and talked to the King on Jeremiah's behalf and petitioned to have him removed from the cistern. This is a particularly interesting text. I have never read that Jeremiah was thrown into a cistern full of mud into which he sank deeply 38:6.

I hope to be able to get back to this section in the near future to explore more of the trials of Jeremiah, the prophet of God, in his call to deliver God's messages to the people of the day.

Now to put this together in a way that helps kids understand fear as respect versus fear as dread...a few object lessons on fear and what people are afraid of...to illustrate the usual connotation of fear. A few object lessons on fear as respect and how that looks when we are dealing with adults/elders/authorities/etc.

The bible story of Jeremiah above really hits me, but the Moses stories and David's psalms also are rich in text. Lord build on this one for me. Give me reminders to return here are re-read this to come up with creative means to teach children about reverance for you.

Notes:
-Research the Hebrew meanings of fear and context issues in the new and old testaments
-Write a puppet script on respect versus fear - Not Too Bright maybe
-

Spring Break in Niceville, FL

2009-04-04T05:32:00.003-05:00

Wow, it was enjoyable in Florida, despite the rain. Each day took us to a new place of understanding of where God was moving and what He was creating to be our reality.

Tuesday...God let us into the sanctuary when we first arrived and what a greeting. We took a seat in the back of the large room and just minutes later we had a warm greeting from Kim, the pastor's wife. She knew all our names and was obviously very excited to see us in town. Following was a train of people that were smiling and hand-shaking us and thrilled to see us.

What really touched me the most is that the adults immediately took time to get to know our kids. That was refreshing. They are our kind of people. They connect with kids as much as they connect with adults. Realization...our kids will connect fine and children here are valued for who God created them to be.

Tuesday evening...God moments continued. We were invited to dinner at Pastor's house with the core team members in the children's ministry. We had arrived first, and had some time to get the kids acquainted with the house and the 'man room' where they would be able to be themselves and watch movies and tv. They weren't confined to that room however. They floated around the house like the rest of us making new friends and just being them.

Relaxing environment, at a home, grilling burgers and hotdogs, and talking about Florida, kids, and the ministries at Niceville. It was encouraging to meet people that could mingle and have a good time without pressures of being someone they are not. It did become obvious that there was sensitivity to the Sunday morning teams. Such great excitement surrounded the Wednesday evening ministry conversations, yet the leaders were careful in their conversation.

It became clear after a short conversation with Pam that some territorial issues will soon arise. Yet, I connected with her, an owner of a preschool in Niceville. She's got her specialty and wants respected for it.

Stephanie, the service coordinator for Wednesday evening...obvious passion for making God exciting for the kids. Has a boy - 4 years old, who sounds like a good running mate for JC. Looking forward to building a relationship with her and her kids. She has three and a girl! Yeah a friend for Josie!

Amanda, the nursery coordinator for all services. What a sweetheart! She just had her third baby and is loving her job! Her husband was very quiet and reserved, but cordial and friendly. They have 3 kids too.

Mike and his wife - what a couple! - remind me of a healthier version of my parents...constantly picking on each other but funny! The situation here got sticky with Josie though. She thought Ethan was telling Mike all her secrets and became very angry. When actually JC had shared something - don't remember what, but it got back to Josie.

Wednesday - Time to sleep in, and then explore the area, homes, parks, schools, the Bayou, and everything we could. We had lunch at a local deli and then headed for church. When we drove passed the church and saw Pastor and Kim taking off for lunch, we decided to go back, take a nap and stop in later to talk. Pastor said they had a sitter for us at 3, so we decided to stop back then and get to know the staff more personally.

The kids enjoyed the time with Macayla and we sure enjoyed the talk with Pastor Phil and Kraig. We talked about us and them, and where they've been as a church and what their vision was and how that would fit us and how we could actually expand that vision with the kids ministry. The conversation was so natural and flowed so easily. Shaun and Pastor really did a lot of the talking and I enjoyed listening.

We had dinner with the church at 5:30 - delicious chicken and lots of great conversation. Met many more people as they stopped by to introduce themselves. And got to hold little Brayden - Pastor's grandson! He is so cute and cuddly - just 3 months old and smilin' like crazy!

After dinner we took the kids to the Wednesday evening kids ministry - they were disappointed to tell us that they were having Movie night tonight instead of their regular ministry time, but the kids had fun and made some friends too. It was interesting observing the ladies bicker over the lightening situation with the movie versus the security system's ability to see in the room. But Pastor walked down and approved the use of the stage lights backwards so that the movie screen wasn't overtaken by the flourescent lighting.

We got some time to visit with the nursery staff, met some great ladies and Dexter too - Debbie Early's husband - great guy and loves the nursery!

We headed back to the main lobby and talked with Billy in the security booth, got a drink at their church cafe' and then headed back to the offices to visit more with Pastor. It was some great relazing conversation, yet finally had the opportunity to talk more deeply about personal experiences with Christ for us and for him. This was a huge connecting point and a great realization that this pastor was on board with what the Spirit of the Lord was wanting, not his own agenda.

After picking up our kids - who had a fabulous time...and saying our goodnites - we head back to the hotel. A good nights sleep was had by all!

We met Kraig at 10 am on Thurs and had 2 awesome hours of conversation about ministry, personalities, likes, dislikes, pet peeves, vision, and more vision. Lunch was at Guiseppies on the Bayou - great seafood and wonderful wonderful time with the kids! All 3 were tired, yet all three were content for the most part drawing on the large paper at the restaurant after we ate and continued our conversation for another hour and a half at least!

This was a neat time to talk finances, be ourselves with the kids in tow. See pastor's interaction with Jordan! What a hoot!

To hear pastor say that he couldn't sleep at night if he knew that his staff was not able to make it financially, or on medical assistance, or at a food shelter! And it's not because of pride, but because he's been there and knows what that's like. It was awesome to hear that pastors believes in investing in the people he hires without probation periods. He also feels strongly that a person can easily bring in more than what they are paid in a year if it is truly the Lord's will that they are employed there.

Shaun and I had no problem with that concept and felt no pressure either. It was super to know that he and I together could work and play with kids and help them learn God truths and get paid for it! Shaun and I don't have a problem relating to most all people and feel that God moving us there would open our lives and the lives of many in Niceville to know him when their kids want them to come to the church!

The rain began very heavy after lunch so we grabbed a couple frosty's at Wendy's and headed back to the hotel. We were very sorry that we couldn't connect with Shawn and Katie while we were there, but we'll be back so I think we'll probably connect with them quite a bit.

We rose early on Friday, yet didn't get to leave until after 9 - but what a beautiful day it was - the sun finally came out!

Oh Lord, thank you for a wonderful visit and confirming our call to these people in FL. Continue to make the way straight for us Lord!

God in the middle of my lunch

2009-03-19T04:44:00.003-05:00

Lunch with Judy...

Ya know how some people are just natural encouragers and bring light into your life with a few unexpected words from their vast knowledge and experience. And what's a real gem is when that same person is authentic, loving, and humble. Judy Vesterfelt is one of those kind of people.

Just one hour and I've learned so much. She gave me insight with possible feelings that Josie may have of loss due to the teacher change in the middle of the year that may be contributing to her learning differences. Of course that would all relate back to the very traumatic time when I was gone for 2 weeks in South Carolina for my breast surgery.

She also helped me to see where I might be able to help Holly along at work. It was like God-ways to go about stuff. Confronting problems in love is still a skill that I need to work on. Knowing that God can work more through His love than my sarcasm is awesome. But acting on that is more difficult.

And considering the origin of my thoughts - the less obvious ones. She shared a bit of Pastors teaching to the Pastoral staff about God thoughts, human thoughts and satan thoughts and how to distinguish them. I was so excited to go to the meeting Pastor called about that very thing to share with support staff. But he got tied up and wasn't able to make it yesterday. What great teaching we have access to here - Lord help me get at the core of that one and discover unseen influences in my thoughts that need cut off at the root.

God you've had me in 1 Samuel this week and specifically chapter 15 when Samuel reveals to Saul God's anointing on him to wipe out the Amalekites. But yet, Saul in his disobedience captures the king, leaves some of them living, and hoardes the best livestock of the enemy. God, this is where we find you clearly saying that obedience is better than sacrifice and that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. (v. 22, 23)

God brings David to Saul to sing and rid him of the evil spirit that he sent to Saul because of his disobedience. Lord help me see in this the significance in my life now. Lord is PH David to Christie right now? Lord am I David to someone right now and haven't yet realized the significance of your plan in it yet. Lord are you preparing my heart to be an armor-bearer for my very own husband in a deeper way than I can see and feel already?

Make your plan clear to me Lord and help surround me with people like Judy that will bring your insight and love into the picture of my life.

2009-03-15T21:18:00.002-05:00

Oh God, How are we doing? I am not waking early to spend time with you and I've felt very depressed the past week. Yeah, probably correlates - but I'm looking for how exactly.

I have a desire to read and pray, but the time - I think often that I need to spend time thinking on something Pastor said, or something that Pastor Holly mentioned, or even just spend some more time with the word studying what you want me to learn.

I'm overwhelmed with how to prepare for the visit to Florida on the 29th. In my mind I'm fighting wanting to make sure that I've got everything covered and look the best I can when we meet Pastor Phil and Kim. I have gotten better in the moment being just who I am and not worrying so much about whether the kids clothes are clean or the right style, etc. I still feel like when I'm putting things before YOU and your people that I get caught up in the worry about what others will think. Yes, still...

I really want to be free from that. I want to be free in order to even say what I'm thinking to the people I'm confused by at church. I want the freedom and the words to have at hand when I'm caught off guard by someones response to a situation. I just want it to be so much more you than me Lord.

Shaun and I watched the movie King David last night. It highlights the trials and triumphs well - and still portrays the sin in his life and his repentant heart. Lord uncover for me the sin in my life that allows me to hide what I'm thinking and give me the words to say what's on my mind in a constructive leadership maner.

Lord, help me to engage in connversation with PH so that I can help her to see how the team is responding to her style and moods. She can be particularly defensive and have answers for everything and I don't want to get caught in a debate with her, but I'd love to have a discussion about conflict, anger, and how we are all leaking stuff that isn't letting the Spirit move in us.

She knows so much about leadership yet I want to help her along more. Then I hear the flesh voices of condemnation and criticism. I don't want to be critical of her. I would love to be able to have a conversation that would allow for more authentic discussion. We've had some, but I want to really get to the meat of what's going on when she's upset about something.

God help me to be ready for this conversation when it takes place and help me to have the encouraging spirit you'd want me to share in this time.

Say Ahhhhh! ..... How many fingers do you see?

2009-03-13T09:29:00.003-05:00

Jordan - dentist and optomatrist in the same week - what was I thinking!

Josie shockingly volunteered to go back first to have her teeth cleaned. I was so proud of her because her last experience at the dentist with the big practice that 'specializes' in kids was not a good one. She battled through it to save face and cried most the way home, but I'm so thankful we have a new one that is smaller, sensitive to kids, and just plain nice.

So Josie had success and then it was Jordan's turn. I let him go back by himself thinking that it may be better for him if I didn't go. Well, Josie came to get me pretty quick after...he hadn't reached the kicking, screaming, refusing part yet, but little progress had been made. His last dentist appointment I asked Shaun to take him because I just couldn't hold the kid without getting hurt! Thankfully this was much milder.

Jordan now understands the concept that if you sit through 'this', then you can have a 'treat' and a 'prize'. Praise God that worked - he even made it through the floride treatment! Nothing less than a miracle from God - then again this practice has invested in the most advanced treatment that can be painted on the kids teeth and left on for the day! What a concept and how wonderful - no more uncomfortable teeth trays that you have to bit down on for a minute while you wait for the stuff to do its job trying not to gag, choke, or vomit.

And Ethan - did great - no problems, and was happy to get his toothbrush and paste/flosser after he was done. What a guy!

I was checking out to make their follow up appointments and was trying to make an appointment for Josie to have a tiny crack of a cavity filled. Big decision, it's a permanent tooth, do we do silver or occlusal (white). I knew what Josie would want because she's already been through a root canal on a primary tooth and she hates the silver cap that was put on. So upon investigation I found that the white would be 120.00. Well, that sort of made our decision right then. She hadn't heard that news however.

Then Deana asked me to hold on for a moment and left the reception area. I prayed - God if there is any way you might help with this filling????? Deana returned with a small post-it note with numbers on it. She pointed to the 120.00, then she pointed to the 67.00 or so figure and said that Dr. Geer would be able to do the white filling for 54.00. Now that's what I'm talking about - siginificant God-help here! So we went for it!

It was such a pleasure to explain to Josie what happened. In telling her about the cost - she began to cry figuring that it wouldn't be possible to have the white filling. Then I asked her to hold on and told her the rest of the story - giving thanks that God moved Dr. Geer's heart to adjust the price - thank you Lord!

Two days later, Jordan back for an eye appointment. I knew I was in trouble for this one - too many toys and gadgets to distract him so the tests were difficult to determine accuracy. "Watch for the wavy line and push the button when you see it" was the instruction. That went well. He started looking in the machine for the line, then when it disappeared he began looking around the room for it. Reminded me of the time I had taken a computer test to determine the level of my ADD.

Then two more computer tests later and into the exam room he went - MORE TOYS! Oh I could have just died - knowing that he wasn't going to sit still in the chair and if we had a somewhat good experience perhaps only one very expensive examination device would be broken in the process. Well, he realized real quick that the figures he was asked to tell about were on the wall behind him and much easier to see, so he'd cheat. Then giggle. Then try to cheat without getting caught.

Part of me wanted to laugh, but I had to be the mom. Thank the good Lord that Shaun came back to pick us up and helped with the sitting still and focusing redirection for him. I about died again when Jordan began turning the lenses on the BIG glasses Dr. Alex uses to see what type of correction you need. Things were spinning everywhere. But thankfully, Dr. Alex was firm and redirected him and he listened - the first time for a little while any way.

I love the 'Discovery Jordan' - his exploring and his needing to see how everything works! I just need continued patience from the Lord to channel the curiousity and help him see the need for discipline in his life.

Then I sit back and say "God how am I still like Jordan?" Do I still move from one thing to the next and leave incomplete works started and never finished. Do I still have trouble focusing and seeing where I'm supposed to follow through and when I just need a break? Well the answer to all these is YES! - a bold yes actually!

Then I realize that I learned to be 'disciplined' to please others - do what your teacher says to make them happy, do what your parents say to make them happy, do what your pastor says to make them happy. Ok, so here's the kicker - God tells me I'm not supposed to DO to make other people happy - that is NOT what the core of what this life is about! God is still teaching me about discipline - discipline to be with him, love on him and spend time with him. Then I learned the beautiful rewards to discipline in my life.

I've lived a life afraid of disappointing anyone because they would no longer like/love me. I still catch myself with this unconsious thought rising to the top when I am overly self-critical. And God is still patient in reminding me that what I do and do not do is a function of his love through me - His love NEVER fails! My discipline to seek him for my doing allows me to be free of people's judgment over my results! Yea! Thank you God for that reminder again and Lord help me to guide JC in understanding that discipline is good, and give me the patience to love all over him when he fails to comply so that you Lord will be seen in me.

I want all my kids to make choices based on your love in them. Flood my kids with that Love and help me to model that love so that there is no mistake for them to be confused about who they are and whose they are. Erase any avenue of fear that would arise out of not pleasing people for my children and let them be themselves and enjoy loving others with the love you've given them to share!

Unselttled-almost sick (Psalm 5:12)

2009-03-10T16:09:00.004-05:00

I'm clocked out, yet still at work needing space and time to type. I'm feeling very unsettled. Today has been a very quiet and resolute day here in The Zone. I'm not sure why PH was so quiet today. My first instinct is to wonder if she is upset with me. Then I realize that it's a big deal to look at another big transition in the office with me leaving and training someone else to take my place.

Lord I pray for that person to rise up for those that PH trusts and that you will hand pick them to be exactly a perfect fit for this department, the leaders, kids, staff and especially PH. Lord will you allow her to trust more quickly, relax more and take in the moments of frustration with this ministry as growth points. She already does, but for some reason I feel led to type that.

Lord I pray that you would help me to know that this has less to do with me and more to do with the whole transition. The Zone has had many over the last couple years - many more than some, less than others. Yet Lord I pray that this transition grows PH and the leaders to step into their calling to kids. I'm thankful that Jimmy and Rebecca are back and refilled with energy, enthusiasm, and excitement for kids ministry. I pray the Quest club kids explode with your spirit over the next few months because of what you have led them to do - take time for you.

God I have a pit in my stomach right now that hurts and it's not the hungry kind. I just want to know, well, not know, cuz I think I already do...I just want to have the decision made and be moving in the next direction. This waiting period sucks. It really hurts inside my body to know that you again have worked in and through us here at wsfirst - momentum is building and now you're moving us away.

The tearing apart I feel right now is hard. I don't know what else to do except keep pouring myself into what's happening with EITC, new curriculum, new service time changes, meetings, etc to keep focused on what my calling at hand is. Otherwise the what if's drive me crazy. I want to pour everything I've got into what we're doing right now, but to know that there are somethings I cannot say because I don't want to lead anyone in a false direction.

Oh my head hurts. I'm waiting on a good analogy here...but I'm not getting one. It's peaceful here - in the office, lights out, and hearing only the door outside the office open and close when people are leaving for the day. Help me settle my heart Lord - I can't do this myself. I can't keep on a path that has no direction.

Lord help me to be settled in you and not need the affirmation of others. Allow me to see you as my sustenance for life - not pleasing others.

My conversation with Kenny this morning was something that I didn't realize would come up here. But I believe you wanted it to. Thank you Lord for helping me chat with him about being ourselves, no pretense, no masks. God create in me the ability to be steady when I'm me - just me. Not pleasing any man, but pleasing only you, glorifying only you and knowing you more intimately than any other.

Ok, so now it's starting to come together. Josie was journaling about Psalm 5:12 Sunday night. She took the time to write 2 pages of thoughts related to that scripture and then she shared it with both Shaun and I. God help me to see you as my shield and help me to see myself as your righteous servant.

A shovel, 3 kids, and a wash cloth...

2009-03-08T17:34:00.002-05:00

If Shaun and I had sat the kids down and told them that we were going to have them wash the house using a bucket of water and a wash cloth and then tell them to get the shovel and remove all the rocks from under the mud room windows, you can only imagine the possible responses we'd receive.

"What?" "You've got to be kidding!" "Do you think we are giants or something?" and many more that we can only dream about with a kid like Jordan and his quick wit.

But here's the thing - they come up with the idea themselves - "Hey we're going to wash down the house!" and all it takes is a motivated 1st born that includes her brothers in the process and before you know it...boys are filling buckets of water and grabbing wash clothes and heading for the porch!

Josie with shovel in hand is scooping out the white stones we put there 4 years ago that now look nasty and gross because I haven't washed them off in that long. The actual motivation came from the possibility of planting flowers in that shaded area. I hope I didn't squash that enthusiasm when I told her we wouldn't be planting today, but I actually had hoped that someday we'd do something pretty like that for our entranceway.

So now, without any cajoling on our parts - Shaun and I are both quietly typing on our computers and enjoying some quiet time to think - our kids have produced a wall that is white again - at least up to the 5 foot mark (where Josie can reach). They have also removed all the stones from the entranceway - which is a huge improvement already! I hope the planting is an idea we can follow through on.

God thank you for letting us be relaxed with the spontaneity of our kids! Thank you Lord for helping me to relax my perfectionistic expectations of "how to wash a house" and just let them be them. We'll get to the higher part of the of the unfinished siding, but for now the kids can celebrate working together and accomplishing something on their own. That to us is so much more important!

Club Mail

2009-03-08T17:19:00.002-05:00

Brandon is so cool and talented! He's designed a way kids can email us leaders from our The Vault at fakidszone.com and the letters are coming in! Today he read some of them from stage and I can see where this is going to start building a new community and even maybe a segment for letter of the week during our Sunday morning club time!

While we were in a meeting with our small group discipleship team leaders, Brandon motioned me over to him on the other side of the room. He handed me his phone and it was another email to The Vault...this one from Anna Desbiaux to ME! She wrote to let me know that God placed a burden on her heart for me and that she was praying for me. She said she wanted me to know that God loves me and that I should never give up or "loose" hope!

How precious! I wanted to cry - God is touching our kids in such a way that the fruit is coming back to us, to US! How awesome? How blessed we are that God would show us this - His love in our kids! Over so many years Shaun and I have wanted to be planted in a place that we would be able to see the fruits of the work God has done through us. And by planted I don't mean that we necessarily felt that we were going to settle down and be permanent fixtures in any particular place.

However, God is NOW moving us to consider this opportunity in Florida to be children's pastors and to settle down, and make this a place we raise our kids through HS and possibly college. Never thought we'd be in Florida, always thought we'd be missionaries to many other places and spread whatever God gifts us with to as many children as we are able in the time we have!

So now we can begin to grasp that God is moving here, now and showing us his fruit in the kids we love. Lord if you would find us worthy, would you help us to be ready to see even more beautiful ways you turn your harvest out and allow us to see just a few more small glimpses of heaven here on earth!

3 minutes left on the pizza timer

2009-03-06T19:03:00.003-06:00

I have had an entire day with my little "Dolphin of the Week!" Jordan - 5 years old now, and such a enhancement to everyone's life. We had a really difficult ear appointment with Dr. McGuirt. His right ear was so over full of peanut butter looking wax that had hardened! It took 3 deep swabs to remove only a small portion of it. At one point the wiggles got the best of him and Dr. M. accidentally nicked the inside of his ear. When JC saw the blood, that was the end of the story. He only allowed Dr. M. to take one more look, then a few drops to stop the bleeding.

JC has always had ear trouble, breathing trouble, and upper respiratory infections. The best most Dr.'s can do is relate it all to a lower immune system tolerance. But I believe that God created my Dolphin of the Week perfectly and whatever trails he's going through will only be a testiment to the amazing grace of God in this mixed up world of today.

After he had had it with the ear poking, he invited the 2 nurses and Dr. M. to come with us to McDonald's for breakfast! They were all tickled and had wide smiles on their faces. God thank you for his soft, loving, and forgiving heart. He is truly an awesome example of loving those who he could choose very easily to hate. It's hard to watch someone, even when intending to help them, hurt them in the process and then have a soft heart to them. But not JC - he was going to have a party that the torture was over and invited everyone involved to celebrate with him!

Well, I've reset the timer and it's almost done again. My prayer is to take more time - little bits of time each day to celebrate what God is doing in our lives by writing a small blog - help me God to make this a priority!

2009-02-11T19:00:00.006-06:00

Another conversation with our prospective church. About an hour - went over many of the same topics we've discussed - in more detail - leadership strategies, quality of teams currently working, enthusiasm, energy, excitement, areas of growth needed - what is sought after in the leadership of working teams...and more.

As the rain falls outside on an unseasonably warm February evening here in Pfafftown, I know God knows the number of drops that land all over the area, I know he knows the hairs on my head - and has them numbered too, and I know he cares deeply about each and every concern I have. Still I am at a standstill...I am so excited about the prospects of this new time in our lives. This move, I'm excited about.

We're already far away from the grandparents and FL is a much nicer place to visit for them than here. They already visit FL about every other year, so now they'll have a place to come and hang out with us. That'll be good.

I am excited about the new friends I can make and I pray that there is truth in what Tommy said today that it is small town enough that we'll connect quickly and will have friends that we will be able to trust and learn about.

I pray that Shaun be able to connect with some men that will enrich him and stretch him and that he can truly be himself around. I pray that as we are who we are that God molds us and shapes us to become even more like him. I pray for wisdom for both of us, that we could step into unknown areas and have exciting challenges. Meeting each one of them with the vim and vigor that will give us creativity to meet every challenge with prayer and enthusiasm that will spread throughout the teams in place.

I pray for retention of people. I pray many many people will give us a chance. A chance to become their kids' pastors' and become their friends. A chance to do life together and a chance to love them. I know some will not and God help me handle this with mercy and grace. Give me words in tough situations and give me wisdom in supporting my husband with his decisions. Shaun has grown so much in the last 5 years that I see a new person emerging in him.

I see a man of God who is more concerned about pleasing you than anyone else. I see a man who cares more about doing the will of God than pleasing people or leadership. I see a man who is willing to go out on any limb to reach a child at the core to share God's love with them. I see a loving and tenderhearted man that has intuitiveness and concern for others. I see a man who is willing to be able to stand for what God calls him to be and how God wants him to act and lead.

I am so excited that he is rising to the call of a Children's Pastor and I am humbled and honored to be able to serve along side him. God keep me humble and in submission to Shaun and his leadership. Keep me praying for him and allow me the opportunity to pour into his life with words of encouragement and touches of love.

God keep me living in the moment of mercy. Help me understand what that looks like and how I can operate with mercy toward others each moment you allow. God protect my heart so that I can be vulnerable and love others without the expectation of getting anything in return.

Thank you God for Kaye Mock today. It was so special to tell her about how awesome her daughter Lydia is and how sweet her spirit is and how willing she is to be a servant for the children's ministry here at WSFA. Her eyes welled up with tears as she shared what a difference Shaun and I have made in her life and how she has been impacted by our encouraging her. She's a delight and she's a gem and I just love the bounce in her step and the smile on her face as she loves on kids by doing the behind-the-scenes work to make our Sunday's run smoothly and keep me at a level that I can handle anything!

This week will be a really good test. She'll be with Pastor Holly to help while Shaun and I go to Williamsburg. It's exciting to look at the prospects of what she'll be able to do without my direction and how she'll take to Pastor Holly's. She always tries to do her best and when things aren't quite right, she's open to criticism and help. She doesn't take correction personally, she just laughs and corrects the task. I so wish I had been able to learn under leadership that allowed for mistakes.

And yet I have...Sharon and Gary - although I didn't always feel like I could fail without loosing love - they taught me that even when I did fail, love was still flowing. They showered love on me and taught me how God still showers love on me when I fail. They were Jesus to me when I needed to learn some tough lessons. I pray that at our next stop in this lifetime we'll have others that will take us under their wing and nurture us that way.

A feeling I missed

2009-01-27T21:24:00.003-06:00

Today Lord you settled in my spirit early and gave me an expectation about today. Is it a relatives birthday that I'm missing? Is it a party I'm invited to? Is it....well, what is it Lord? Now I know - the conversation with the pastor in Florida was the thing about today that my heart was excited about.

a new chapter again

2009-01-27T21:10:00.002-06:00

oh God am I prepared to even type this...

We had Shaun's third, my second conversation with the Pastor in Florida tonight after the kids were put to bed. Most of our discussion surrounded the issue of the Holy Spirit and the evidence of his work in us. Great conversation - some laughter, some agreement on balance, and some deep stuff on reaching people/kids and bringing them to a healing so they can minister to others.

Lord I distinctly felt you settle my heart that we are supposed to be at this church. In the middle of the conversation when the Pastor was talking about the church, the people and his take on their turning corners and becoming focused on reaching others - it hit me - You hit me God.

These people need what you have gifted Shaun and I to be for you. My heart just poured out for them in the middle of the conversation and I felt the tears coming. Melt my heart for you Lord so that this would all line up....your call, your move, our gifts, the finances, smooth transition with the kids - everything.

God I really don't want to leave here. I love working with Holly and I love what I do. I want so much to be continuing in the vision of wsfa. God it seems so conflicting inside me. I want to stay, yet I know you want us to go. This is a big deal. We don't want to move until you tell us, but this one is becoming clearer and clearer.

Help me along here Lord. Help me process in friendships, at the church, in the school, with you Lord, and with the kids and Shaun. I don't know where to even begin thinking about this. I just want to minister to kids and grow in you and help kids learn how to do the same. Wherever it is. Somehow I think it would be easier to move to another country - no I take that back...I just want the best of both worlds.

How am I going to talk with Diane about this without crying. How am I going to make friends again. How Lord how are you going to do all this. I don't want to be concerned about the finances Lord, but it's an issue. Right now Lord we are trusting you with the sale of our house on 26th street. We need your hand to move because the analyst at Chase certainly doesn't seem to be. God just give us a buyer and we'll be done with it. But whatever happens with it Lord - you know it's in your hands and we can't do anything more than we already have.

I trust You Lord to take care of that. Guide me in what steps need to happen with the short sale thing. Help me to complete the paperwork so that we can go that route if we need to.

God help me to trust in you more than what I think I am able.

Looking into the eyes of a 5 year old

2009-01-26T20:29:00.003-06:00

Tonight I put the kids to bed and I just had to stop for a second and look into Jordan's beautiful curious eyes. The dance and twinkle with bright hope and curiosity. He's always got something on his mind and he always wants to share it and bring you into his world of 5.

He is so proud when he finishes a day in Mrs. Tammy's class without loosing a behavior crayon. He dances through the halls at school singing "No crayons, no crayons.." He so makes me smile. He lives every minute to the fullest and he's reminded me to live in the moment as well. I thought the cancer thing would keep me in that mode, but it's easy to get caught up in the business of life when cancer seems no longer a threat to me.

God call Jordan into the ministry. Use his vivacious spirit to reach people that no one else can. Help my little guy to discern evil even when it's presented as appealing. God let him be able to stand up for you in front of his friends and those that try to discourage him. God help us to always keep open communication with him so that he will forever know that his parents love him and want to guide and help him in any way we can. Lord prepare me for the struggles he will have as a mom and let me know when to step in and when I need to let him solve the problems.

I remember when Josie was 5 and I couldn't believe so much time had passed and now my youngest is 5 - oh my. He'll start kindergarten next year, wherever we find our selves on this planet. God I pray for that teacher to have the ability to see his strengths and help him direct his energy toward positive means.

Lord Jordan has a very tender heart. Help him keep that sweet spirit about him and balance it with his boldness and craziness. God protect him for pain and grow him in his faith in you. Help those scriptures he has been learning all year be implanted in his soul so that he would have a firm foundation to build his beliefs on.

God go everywhere he does and make sure he remembers to come home. We've lost that guy to many times to his roaming, but we're always glad to find him back at home. Help him to know that home is where he is most accepted and loved and where he can rest and re-energize.

God give him all he needs for all you've called him to be...

A friend in need

2009-01-26T20:19:00.002-06:00

I am amazed at how God chooses to use me. A friend stops into my office today. I could feel the stress and pain in her face and body language. She meant to stay for only a few minutes yet ended up spending her lunch with me.

God I truly felt like there were times when I didn't have anything to say, let alone to encourage her with. She's struggling in her marriage and has decided to concede to her husbands legalistic personality in order to avoid a divorce. I am worried about how she is going to weather this. She is so concerned about her daughter and I'm more concerned about her.

She was shocked to hear me say that because her daughter will bounce back, even though she's in the preteen years, that she may get stuck in the bitterness that is developing in her now. Lord what can I encourage her with. How can I help her celebrate you when I really think you're crying for her. It is so obvious that she is letting go of her ministry in singing and the community of where she is only to please her husband.

Lord change his heart, help him grow a compassion for his wife and daughter that would allow him to turn away from his rigid mindset and consider the best for the whole family, not just what he wants. Lord meet his needs so that he does not need to hold so tightly to those things in which he has. Lord allow him to hold tightly to you and allow him to see your faithfulness and care over him.

Lord care over my friend and help her along in this. Pour out your spirit on her so that she may be able to withstand the stress that will creep up, the bitterness, the resentment, and anger. God love on her so that she knows that her decision is to honor you. And God I would ask that you honor her in her desire to save her marriage. Lord allow the pressure to avoid divorce to fade and let your light shine on those things in which you would be glorified in.

Our call more defined

2009-01-25T18:02:00.002-06:00

In November Shaun and I had a wonderful thing happen out of an absolutely awful thing. Ever have that happen to you? Just the most horrible news that could make you crash and burn like a flaming plane diving out of the sky. But again, what satan meant for evil, God recreates into a blessing when we are obedient.

I had to confess something, something that if left hidden under the basket would fester and infect not just my life, but the lives of my husband and children and probably change the course of our call to minister to children as well. And as God would order things, he didn't tell me to confess to just anyone what was going on, he told me to text Pastor at 5:30 in the morning.

Actually, he told me to text him at 1 and 3 am as well, but I was uncomfortable enough about the whole situation that I didn't feel vomitting it on Pastor in the middle of the night was necessary. And yes, the whole incident was an accident - I know I know, 'sure you're going to tell us that and then not tell you what it is right?' YES! I am going to tell you it was an accident and NOT tell you what exactly happened because it puts at risk more than just my own agenda.

So Pastor met with Shaun and I later that day. And sure enough - I did the right thing - obeyed God, followed through to fix a horrible situation, and God turned it all around. As a matter of fact the confessing seemed to be so much less of what consumed the appointment than the ensuing conversation...

Pastor understood the accident and gave us direction on how to reconcile the problem - THEN he asked us about what's up with us. We kinda thought we'd have met with pastor previous to this because we've been wanting to talk with him about our call on our lives. Well, God made this appointment for us and it has so changed the course of our perspective.

God plants thoughts in your mind - he really does and it's what we do with them that alters the course of life. When Shaun and I married we knew that we had a huge area of our hearts saved for foreign missions. Thirteen years later we have taken 3 short term missions trips and sure enough we were right on the 'heart-realestate' that had been surveyed by God. We just loved the experience, the people, and what God did in us during our short stays in the other countries.

Yet, when Pastor said that considering we may be called to raise missionaries - now that settled in my spirit different than when I had heard it before. And it resonated there for a couple months. Pastor made it clear that there is a great need for children's pastors here in the US and that he receives several calls a week for requests of anyone he knows that would be a good candidate.

So Pastor let us know he was holding Shaun's name until he finished his masters program, then when the calls came in he'd be sharing us with his colleagues. I was thrilled to hear this because I just knew that God wanted us to stay here in Winston another year before we moved our family. I also can tell you that God has been stretching my heart to desire a settling - I guess it's a settling down kind of thing.

I have seen my children now call Winston home and I have gone through the adjustment with them at young ages to a new environment. I know now that God wants us to raise our children before we go on long term missions. And in the mean time God has renewed a passion for Shaun and I to explore taking children on missions trips.

So with all this to consider, we have made the idea of staying in the states a matter of prayer. And we know that the call we got late in December 2008 was from God. A pastor from a church in Florida called the church and requested info on anyone that would be a good canditate to pastor their children. Pastor Tommy moved to Winston from this church and his Sr. Pastor was touching base with him acutally.

That's when our name came up and when Shaun began more fervent and intentional prayer to move closer to the where and what of God's move in us for the now. That's when I knew that we weren't probably going to be in Winston for yet another school year.

So the Pastor calls Shaun (1.12.09)- has a great conversation, shares common interests and visions for children's ministry, and has a passion for kids to be leaders now, not just to grow up to be leaders. The conversation goes so well that they reschedule to talk with both of us a week later (1.20.09). And what a conversation it was!

We are scheduled for another phone convo on 1.27.09. We've listened to the pastors teachings and we feel very in tune with and connected spiritually to the same teaching that he adheres to.

So God, if this is the place and the time then let it be. If this is the first step in the process of where you'd have us go next, then make it clear. God we want your will, we want it your way and we want to grow closer to you everyday. And in all that we'd like to be useful for your kingdom pulling kids up into the place you've called them to - when we become like them, we can then begin to see the inheritance you have for us.

Lord help us connect with kids to put them in leadership with your guiding principles in mind. Guide my husband in his decisions. Help Shaun with this next week of Grad school. Allow him to continue his daily seeking you early in the morning and speak to him at that time what it is that you would need him and I to be for you.

9th Birthday Sleep Over

2009-01-24T17:53:00.002-06:00

It was a fun evening at the Wenner's last night. Shaun brought two friends and Josie home from school at 4:30 and 3 more girls came at 7. Wow, the noise of 6 3rd graders running through our small farm house! I was thrilled to hear Shaun share with me this morning about how this overnight had renewed his hope of having loads of children at our house to minister to and pour our lives into.

Course there was not a whole lot of pouring out on our part. Girls are very proficient at doing things - first there were manicures, then make up, pizza, cake, and presents. Then the foot soak in the tub - all six at one time with the sweet soap from Long Family Farms. They absolutely loved it! And all that before 9 p.m.

Then it was silly stories, fashion shows, a good deal of yanking down each other's pj bottoms, and even some marching through the house with underwear on their heads - well Tessa and Melia that is - with the other 4 laughing beyond imagination! I don't think any of them were even considering that they were being their craziest selves in front of their next years teacher!

Course, Shaun and I had many laughs all evening long. Once we all got laid down and settled in around midnight, we were shot out of our beds by a noise coming from Josie's room. It had to be really loud, because I heard it loud through my ear plugs! Upon investigation we found it was just Britney jumping into her sleeping bag. For goodness sake I thought our ceiling fan was going to land on us!

I know sometime after that I fell asleep. But I very distinctly remember very loud voices at 2:30 a.m. At that point I had to play the mean mom card. I marched them all back up to Josie's room, turned off the tv, and put them all to bed. AFter that it took only one more visit to Josie's room to end the chaos.

I have to admit that it was fun, but I'm beat tonight! I almost fell asleep on the floor twice today. Had it not been for Jordan stumbling over me I would have happily slept for an hour or more!

There is great value in sleep overs - for the whole family. For many reasons it has been a great teaching point of discussion all day today. Her frustrations about her friends using things of hers that she told them to stop using, her anger at the kids trying on all her clothes, and her annoyance that she had to clean up the hair bands and beading accessories off the floor when everyone was gone to name a few. These all gave us the chance to talk to Josie about boundaries, and taking initiative to confront people when she needs to.

Josie doesn't usually have a problem being assertive, yet last night - probably because she was quite tired too, she just gave up trying. I have to admit it was feeling pretty good to hear the girls 'call their seat' next to Josie. It was like she was a super star! There were many other neat compliments doled out by the girls - "Josie, you have the coolest bathroom!"; "It's awesome that you live with horses everyday."; "Your room is blue now - that's awesome Jo Jo."

I can't remember which one called her Jo Jo more, but I know that is a pet name Hannah Scott has for her.

Natalie was the quiet one of the bunch. Very shy and quiet all night, but I did see her get in a tug or two on Melia's pjs when she wasn't looking. It was very hard to catch Melia!

Hannah was by far the loudest and most joyful one. Melia was the craziest and most daring. Tessa was the girliest with her toes still painted from La Di Da's at the mall.

It was such a great group of girls - not one argument or bout of tears all night!

I am so thankful for such an awesome time with Josie and the girls. I saw a report tonight on the news about Kay Yow - a very renown girls basketball coach here in NC. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 1987. It reoccurred in 2002 and I think in 2004 as well. She was loved by many and very well respected in the sports community as a wonderful and great woman. She died yesterday. I think she was only 60 something and I just had to stop and think a few minutes.

In 30 years I may be facing another bout of cancer. I pray not, but God knows what he is going to use in my life to work me to His perfection. I have to be thankful however, because I've had the experiences I have had with my children and my husband to this point and celebrate everyday. Tomorrow is no guarantee and I don't want to wait till them to tell my family I love them, or have fun with them, or just be with them.

Thank you Lord for the reminder of what you have given me to be thankful for!

2009-01-16T22:03:00.002-06:00

Wow, quiet in the house again. Shaun went to bed early - God's had him up every day this week before 5 to chat. Seems as though the passion/hunger for God is surging again in him.

Been an interesting week - went fast, as usual, but also had a unique twist on Monday when Shaun returned a call to a Pastor in Florida that is looking for a Children's Pastor for his church. One of our executive pastors came from this church and really has wonderful things to say about it. Still looking to get together to have dinner or lunch with him and his wife to have further disucssion.

Shaun's conversation was unique in the fact that this pastor and he connected unusually well for a first time chat and for being such different type of people/interests/etc. This pastor is an avid hunter, Shaun likes to walk in the woods. This pastor is ex-military, Shaun had hopes of the Air Force, but not with asthma. And the list could go on, but the commonalities came out quick and clear as well...he has finished his MA at Southeastern also in Ministerial Leadership, and knows Dr. Rakes very well, and he has a passion for hurting people to know the love of Christ in a big way.

Now to how this effects me...I've always known that Shaun was going to minister to kids on a larger level than a classroom setting. He has been developing and honing skills for the 14-plus years I've known him and God has molded him into a great candidate for pastoring at this time. And I also know that it's been coming closer and closer as we stay here in Winston that we'll be moving on in the near future.

For some reason I felt that we'd be here one more school year for the kids - through 2009-2010, that is. But with as quickly as this seems to be happening with the need for children's pastors out there...it may very well be this summer that we'll be moving.

Florida - not only a great choice because of the weather - warm! Warm all the time! And although subject to a hurricane during August and September each year, its a really beautiful place to visit. Tommy speaks very well of the area, the genuiness of the people, and the perfect place to raise a family. I'd like to dig into that a little deeper with him - and Liz. I got her number yesterday, but for some reason couldn't get to calling her today.

To me it really doesn't matter where we live - but it has to be either warmer more of the year, or we have to get paid a substantial amount to cover adequate heating for our kids. This winter has been very cold. It started cold in November, then warmer than it should be for parts of December, and now horribly cold in January.

Our kerosene heater wick has burnt it's last flame tonight. I bought a replacement when I went to Walmart with Josie tonight. Then found out that you have to burn the wick dry before you replace it. Meanwhile you have soot gathering all around the heater frame. Thankfully the heater has a protective cage around it so that the kids can't spell their name in the collection of soot.

Josie and I also got a gallon of blue paint for her room at Walmart. For Christmas she received a roller and a note that she could paint her room before her birthday. Too bad it was so cold today or I would have finished priming it and we could have started the blue when the room warmed up in the morning. She was talking about painting circles of blue over the white priming we're doing - not sure how that's going to boad, but I told her she could try anything and if we didn't like it, we would still have a blue room when we're done.

Silly thing is that we've been here 5 years now and she's been wanting to repaint for 2 and now that we're getting to it, we may be leaving as early as June! LOL, I just sometimes wonder what is up with us and how we get God's timing so mixed up in our heads.

Having a bit of difficulty even thinking about leaving this place. Not the house -will be very glad to relocate to a different place - but to leave FACS, wsfirst, and my friends and family here. I can't fathom the day I say good bye to Diane. That is going to kill me. Even knowing that we're forever friends - it's not going to be the same. I'm going to have to meet new women and get connected to new people and have to be vulnerable again.

I believe I've grown through some of the worrying I used to do about what people think of me. I am more just who I am instead of saying and doing only what I think people want or expect. I pray that I can continue to be just how God created me without the fear of rejection or alienation from others.

Been kinda mad at God about that piece though. Diane is an amazing friend - walked through so many things together - the death of Gray, my cancer, beginning the teen years with her kids and so many sickness with mine! Every step of the way Diane is always there to listen, care, hear, love, and encourage. She allows me to see situations in ways that I would never fathom without her. She takes a different perspective sometimes that I wouldn't consider because my mind is wired so differently.

There are some aspects of Diane that remind me of my mom - the consistency, routine, driveness, but Diane has so much more to offer too - her compassion, and gift of mercy - wow, the times I could have crucified some of the doctors and nurses I dealt with through cancer and she was amazing buffering me from them and also protecting my emotional needs at the same time. Just unbelievable....

Gosh I pray that we will always stay in contact. It hurts to think we won't be able to just drop over to each others house and chat on Friday's when I'm off work. I know God will enable me to have new friends, but it takes work to get a friendship to this level of freedom and it seems like a daunting task to start over now. Guide me God and fill in the emptiness that I already feel creeping into my heart.

Nothing like consistency

2009-01-16T17:32:00.002-06:00

Realized tonight that when I'm bored I check out my blog - probably what the rest of you do too, cuz nothing much has been happening here in months. (Yes that's a slam on me for my lack of consistency in case I needed to explain.)

January 09 - wow, Josie will be 9 in a week and a day - planning a big sleep over for her and a few friends - she can't wait!

Ethan is in first grade and loving it! Mrs. Bishop is just an awesome teacher and loving on him so much! He's good at his work too! Today he was part of a special presentation for Martin Luther King day. He practiced his part here at home and said it great in chapel I'm sure. Didn't make it today - was trying to get things ready for painting Josie's room.

Yeah, we gave Josie a Christmas present to pick out and help paint her room before her birthday - wow, didn't realize how fast a month can go! We've got one wall primed - and it's so cold right now, I'm not sure the paint will stick!

Today's the coldest of the winter here in NC so far. Woke up to 13 degrees and the high I think was 26. In a house that's heated with a kerosene heater and a couple electric heaters - that means it's really cold inside too.

Shaun sectioned off the kitchen and bath this morning to condense the heat while they got ready for school. Wow, got toasty - in two rooms! Just for kicks I went into the living room where the thermostat is and checked to see what it registered - unbelievable - it didn't - I mean didn't register at all - the lowest it shows is 45 degrees and the thing was laid to rest all the way to the left of that marker.

I should have known by the icicles hanging off of it! There aren't really any icicles in NC. Because it doesn't snow, melt a little and snow some more, all it is here is cold. Stand outside for more than a minute and your lungs hurt. I'd rather have the snow if it's going to be this cold here.

You actually could get all dressed for what the weather looked like outside and burst out into a very fridgid moment in shorts and a tank top.

I haven't had this kind of time to write in months! Wow, not sure how to continue...
so I guess I won't...until next season - ta ta!

Thoughts on God's workmanship...

2008-05-15T07:04:00.001-05:00

Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)
“For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

First thoughts on this… if God has prepared something for me to do, I better figure out what it is and get it done. But that’s the “doer” in me, that “type A” personality that strives to get things done and to do them correctly. Then as I spent some time reflecting, it’s not anything we can miss! If we’re seeking God, he’ll direct us in all things we find ourselves in the midst of! He’s not going to leave us, or forget us, or even just push us to the side for a moment.

God delights in us. God dances over us. God awaits our attentive ear because the work He’s chosen for us is made uniquely just for us. No one else can do what God has called me to do here. We are all that individually made. At the same time, we can’t miss it because it’s not a dump truck that unloads while your not home. The good works God has for us are revealed in our everyday obedience to his word.

As we entrust God with our time and make space for him in our lives, he pours more into our Spirits for his glory. Praise God for this moment in time that I’m actually only trying to be “in the moment” and wait on his voice.

Creatively His,
Colleen Wenner

Same cancer, same God...

2008-05-15T06:38:00.002-05:00

Relatable because I've had the same cancer and the same God...

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having "wealth" from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, "Purpose Driven Life" author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said: People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body -- but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to pract ice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life .
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,"which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.
It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I a dded up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I starte d the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pres sures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfi ll a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Time Together

2008-03-03T15:34:00.002-06:00

It's funny in this busy life, with 3 kids, and a husband who is recovering from back surgery how God orchestrates for us to spend time together.

While driving home today from Shaun's Urology and Neurology appointment follow-ups, it hit me. We've spent the entire afternoon together. We had lunch together, alone. We had quiet time in the van, alone. We did a very small amount of shopping together, alone. God made it so that we could just be together.

Being together has different meanings to Shaun and I. But when it comes down to where the rubber meets the road...it doesn't matter where we are, as long as we're together, we're happy. Now if I had my "druthers" as my grandmother called them...our time together would be in a beach front condo sitting on the porch watching my children playing in the sand and feeling the breeze in my hair as Shaun and I talked about how good life is.

Yet just last night, Shaun asked me to sit next to him and said that he finally felt right. In my mind I was thinking "right what?" But in my heart I knew and we talked about feeling settled in the story the Lord is writing for us right now. Most people think of settled as in settling down. We've never been there, and probably won't ever get there in the traditional sense.

Shaun knows and feels there's more. More to what God's called us to do...however, Shaun is settled in his spirit that we're where God wants us for now and as long as it takes, we'll do what we're doing until he moves us to the next step.

For a couple that's been "ready" in our minds to be on the mission field 15 years ago when we met...getting to this point is a miracle of God.

Today took me back to 2002 when we made the move from Philly to Erie, PA. We returned home after the initial discussion and confirmation from God that we were to move and Shaun turned around when we entered the two bedroom apartment we were living in at the time with 2 children and stopped. He helped me set down the children, gently took my hands and pulled me close and said it doesn't matter WHERE we are in this world, as long as our family is together, we'll be HOME.

That has stuck with me for years - a turning point in our relationship. A confirmation to me that Shaun had gone over the mountain of fear that something would seperate us and cripple us. And that we together were ready to walk into new territory for God. Well, actually God's territory - new for us - letting him hold the reigns on the horses that were driving and off we were to go....

SO sick

2008-03-02T22:01:00.004-06:00

Ever been so sick, I mean so VERY sick that you couldn't get up without falling down? Coughing makes you almost wet yourself, your whole chest rattles breathing very shallow, your head feels like a cracked egg that is oozing all over the floor...I mean so sick that if you hadn't ever called the ambulance before THIS would be the time...Well, that happens very seldom to me - I can think of only one day...Tuesday (2/19) to be exact. I knew I was sick - doc said I had bronchitis and I almost coughed up my liver 5 times. But I was getting ready for work when I realized that I was not going to make it.

Josie and Ethan were already home because of being sick (happily playing on the computer). How come being sick looks so totally different to us than it does to kids. Doc says - "Josie's very contagious - keep her out of school" and as she healy's around the kitchen I wonder... then of course the fever starts to confirm the docs orders.

I took meds to Shaun - needed a breathing treatment this morning because his system was so taxed by recovery and probably the unusal dusting I did the other day. When I grabbed for the tubbing to set up the nebulizer and realized when he about jumped out of bed that I had actually grabbed the cath tubbing - I about broke down.

It's all I can handle to see him in the kind of pain he's in, let alone ME make it worse. Now I actually laughed at the doc when she prescribed narcotics for me to help with the pain of the bronchitis. Shouldn't have actually even taken them because before I went to bed the night before I had a headache coming on and woke up with one. However, I considered taking a bunch more just to knock myself out at this point.

Didn't have to - God put me on the couch for the day. Called my best buddy Diane to rescue me and everybody else in this house. Oh how I love Diane - she was here in no time, brought the kids lunch, got me a drink, pulled over a side table for me, made sure the kids were ok, got Shaun up to walk, made dinner in the crock, took the kids for the afternoon so we could sleep, came back, fed all of us dinner and was prepared to spend the night had we needed her to. In the midst of the time she's having with her life and family right now, she went beyond what I have ever seen in anybody...thank you God for her.

How's Shaun doing today??? Well, you would have had to ask him because I wasn't much of a "help-mate" today - looked like a "heap-mate".

After sleeping all day I thought for sure I would need some tylenol PM to sleep through the night. Aside from some mumbles, I have discovered the next best thing to sleeping drugs - ear plugs - I drifted off never to awake until morning. God does grant rest for the weary!

I don't even remember if I put the kids to bed of if Diane did, I just couldn't wait to fall asleep!

Complications from surgery

2008-03-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

Oh gosh, complications from back surgery... you'd think that it would have something to do with the back....nope, not in this case. We returned to the Neurosurgeon's office Monday (2/18)afternoon; they called us in because Shaun was having difficulty going to the bathroom. Still without success in the office, they had to catheter him again - 4th time so far on this journey.

I'm not going to go through the details of all this, because I cannot described the pain for one, and my pain was different that HIS pain, that's for sure. But suffice it to say that there was some question about his prostate gland. Thanks to all our prayer warriors that have been joining this battle, I'm happy to say that on Wednesday at the Urologist appointment, the concern about his prostate was nullified.

After seeing a repeat of my anatomy classes from college, I feel like I could teach a sex ed class for boys.

However, back to Monday...yeah, you'd think, what else could happen???? Then you catch yourself asking that question and say definitively "I'm NOT going to ask that question." (almost out loud) Then I looked down at my hand holding Shaun's as he laid on the procedure room table and I see no diamond in my ring. Ring's there - no diamond in it. Just 6 lonely no-good prongs wishing they had something to hold. At first shocked...I looked around the room, in my bag, and all about to try to find it...then I remember the last time this happened.

I was detoured in life for 6 years earlier in an emotional battle about commitment when my wedding band had been broken. I smiled to myself when I realized that the journey on this road was going to be much shorter than the last. I was NOT going to allow satan to build a dividing wall between my husband and I in my mind over my ring. I put it aside and continued on with the next step ....a second immediate MRI.

We awaited a "transport" person to arrive with a wheelchair because Shaun's new appendage wasn't comfortable to walk with let alone the original reason we'd been there (his back). Vick and Darren came and took Josie and Ethan, both of which I had had to the doctor to investigate their sicknesses earlier on Monday. They also got Jordan from school and got the kids pizza and put them to bed for us.

Thank goodness because by the time we awaited to be squeezed in for an MRI at 6:00 p.m. it was already past their bedtime; let alone the time it takes to get a doctor to read an MRI at the ER!

As an aside...Josie had a stomach virus (throwing up in the middle of the night with a 103 fever); Ethan had a sinus infection and I had bronchitis. We left the doctor's office with two scripts and a prayer for Josie since it wasn't bacterial for her, yet...

In the waiting room, after they took Shaun in I pondered a lot of things. Still had some suspicions about his prostate (I just had an uncle diagnosed with prostate cancer and had gone through surgery)...Still exhausted from all the running around to the doctors...still concerned about dragging 2 sick kids around Baptist hospital earlier, one sick husband, and my sick self...yet there was a peace - go figure.

Ya know the body of Christ is an amazing thing. It is truly incredible to see people be led by God to reach out to us to help. Pastor Holly called about what she could do for Jordan -still at school. Annette Burrow called to find out how she could help. Erica Stratton (Shaun's partner teacher) called to see how she could help (I had lined up all three of them to pick up Jordan just in case we ran late). Yet, what I knew they were doing was praying for Shaun and I in this situation.

God held his hand steady on us through that Monday evening. We had another "transport" person take us to the ER at 8:00 p.m. to await the MRI results. And thank the good Lord for a receptionist that has some common sense. When we told her why we had been sent - she took initiative to contact the doctors about the results so that we did not have to wait 2 hours to be seen to hear what was on the MRI. (She also spared us the $150.00 copay for the registration as well).

And even though it took more than 2 hours to be seen and wait to hear whether he'd be admitted for the complications, it was still a victory to find out the MRI showed no additional abnormalities in Shaun's spine. The staff was great and came to check on us and let us know they were working to get a doctor to read the MRI.

I had to laugh because I was coughing up a storm. (Hadn't had time to pick up my antibiotics from the pharmacy yet). The ER waiting area was PACKED with people coughing, crying, limping, and everything else. Shortly after almost loosing my lung, several people walked over to the wall to get surgical masks - the non-coughers that is. Ever just not want company and feel ok to be gross just so people won't sit next to you? That was me.

Anyway, my poor husband, miserable as all get out - uncomfortable in a wheelchair for many reasons, and drugged beyond consciousness at times...never complained. He even was able to joke about some of the silly things that happen in the ER.

Like the security person running in to let the triage nurse know that someone outside collapsed and needed a stretcher. To which the triage nurse responded "I'll be there in few minutes." I wanted to run out with a stretcher, but realized if the security guard wasn't getting one, I was probably out of line.

And God bless Dave Kelley! He arrived to keep us company right after the Neurosurgeon on call had came to let us know that the MRI was clean and we could go home. But Dave is Dave and we had a good laugh most of the way to the car about this crazy day. The sprite, girl scout cookies and decongestant were very timely however!

Arrived home exhausted and ready for bed! And praying an END to any more complications.

Happy to be Home

2008-02-23T13:45:00.002-06:00

Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:48 am (PST)

Thanks to the help of some wonderful teachers, I've been spared the strange occurrences I wrote about in my previous emails during my morning drive to work today! It was very quiet and refreshing!

Ever have one of those days that you're happy to follow the slow guy into work because you've got one eye in the rear view mirror watching yourself put on your foundation? (well, probably not the guys)

But then it's also a good prayer to ask God for at least 3 red lights on the way so that you can progressively get more of your make-up on before you pull into the parking lot. 1st red light: eye liner...2nd light: mascara....3rd light, oops I forgot my eye foundation. Then you forgive yourself because you're doing your best and try to not smudge your mascara as you gently pat your eye lids with foundation.

Anyway, I've found the best lights are the left turner at Reynolda andFairlawn and of course the light at Fairlawn and Silas Creek - could almost finish the whole routine at that one this morning.

So you're really all wanting to hear about Shaun...he's doing much better. He's got the after-surgery pain that is to be expected. And if I hadn't taken Tylenol PM last night I would have remembered to give him the Skelaxin he needed at 3 a.m. and he would have woken a much happier man this morning. (Sorry honey)

A huge thanks to Erica Stratton, Hanna Ellis, Gaye Kelley and Rhonda Quave for transporting and keeping our children the last 3 days. I miss them terribly and look forward to getting them from school today. And another big bow for all those of you who continue to bring food to my family. All those wonderful hot meals are awesome (the alternative at this rate is PB&J - which I'm actually craving since I haven't hand any in quite sometime!)

Huge thanks to all that visited and called while we were in the hospital. Sorry Shaun couldn't talk to you, but he had GOOD nurses that kept his meds on a regular schedule - all night long.

So now Shaun begins the journey of recovery through hopefully no later than March 20. When he can taper back down off the narcotics again, I'm sure God has something very meaningful about this experience to chat with him about!

So if I look like I'm on Shaun's narcotics today, it's probably due to the ride in this morning...if I could only figure out how to plug my hair iron into the cigarette lighter I could make that a functional alternative, course then I'd have to move 30 more minutes away to have enough time to get my hair done on the way.

Love you all so much...the prayers have been sustaining through this, and God is to be praised for his timing, and work on all of us through this.

2008-02-16T18:22:00.002-06:00

Re: Shaun Update
Posted by: "Christina/Frank Hackl" mailto:lady2577@yahoo.com?Subject=lady2577
Fri Feb 15, 2008 12:24 pm (PST)
Andrew Wommack has healing alter calls at the end of each service.If you want to bring Shaun to a service I know he will be prayed over.(Just a thought.)tonight at 7:00 Embassy Suite Hotel Tomorrow at 10:00 am and again at 7:00.Each service is about 2 hours. Seats get filled up quickly.He is a Spirit filled man. Same beliefs as our church.The sevices have been pretty cool so far. He's laid back, (unlike like John Bosman) Each Preachers got their own style. I don't care so much about those styles but rather their heart and the content of their sermon. I just want to soak in the messages. So if Boseman was too much excitement for anyone, Wommack is lower key. Much lower.In any case, Collene, if Shaun is willing, bring him for prayer.-Frank

2008-02-16T18:19:00.001-06:00

Colleen,I'm so so sorry about Shaun's back. My neurosurgeon that did my FacetRhizotomy on MY back is/was Awesome. His name is William Bell at CarolinaNeurosurgical and Associates. Only thing is he operated on me at Forsyth soI'm not sure if he operates at Baptist. He's been in practice for over 30years.I'll be praying. Susan Meacham

MRI results

2008-02-16T18:18:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to let you all know...we got Shaun's MRI results.

His disk is ruptured (L5) and he'll need surgery to fix it. Any good referrals for neurosurgeons would be greatly appreciated.

We've already called one at Baptist who can't see him until the 13th of March. So pray thatGod just heal him today!

In the mean time, he's pretty upset, (more about the time this is going to take than the actual surgery right now) so if any of you have encouragement for him, don't hesitate tocall...814-490-2201 is his cell. Our God is bigger than this, and we're looking for Him right now for the peace in the storm!Thanks all...

A recommendation...

2008-02-15T18:27:00.000-06:00

Thanks Chris, we got the MRI, but zipped right past the cortisone shots....

Posted by: "Chris" mailto:cadehart73@yahoo.com?Subject=cadehart73
Thu Feb 7, 2008 5:36 pm (PST)
I would highly recommend that Shaun visit Orthopaedic Specialists ofthe Carolinas. They're located off of Kimel Park Road (near HanesMall, off of Hanes Mall Blvd.) When I had a herniated disc, they gaveme a cortisone shot - a WONDERFUL drug. It helped clear up thenumbness that was running down my left leg and I was able to startwalking normally again. Just make sure your insurance covers the MRIthat they'll probably want to do. We will continue to lift Shaun up inprayer. God bless you and your family!Chris

Physical Therapy, then MRI??

2008-02-14T18:17:00.000-06:00

Hey all, Just wanted to update you all....but first I can't tell you how grateful (sp?) we are for all the meals, support, calls, and awesome prayers!

We have just returned home from our first PT appointment at Martinat. It was a consultation/evaluation and he did receive e-stim. Totally wiped him out. Thankful to see him relaxed though!

We are having lunch now and trying to rest before his MRI this afternoon. Unfortunately, both the PT and the MRI will have been at points when his pain meds are wearing off. So that makes it a little more difficult for him.

We are hopeful in that the PT told us this morning she's seen others with the same symptoms as Shaun involving only the muscles, not the disks in the back. However at the same time, during her evaluation he was able to feel (or not feel, whatever) numbness on his left side. She's guessing he may have also some damage on his left side.

But for now, we're praying for complete healing - no back or stomach pain, return of normal sensation in his right leg, and strengthening of his back muscles, a clean MRI, and loads of rest!

If you think of him, he could use a call if ya have a moment - he's tired of being tired and in pain, and he's anxious to get back to teaching! It's killing him to be here at home and missing his class! Our kids are at school today and thankfully having a wonderful Valentines day! We are blessed to have such an awesome family at WSFA and FACS - you all are so precious to us! Just cannot fully express it here. Love you all...

A day of torment

2008-02-08T18:26:00.000-06:00

Excitedly, we awoke to get the kids to school and Shaun to our MD. I took the kids in and came right back to get Shaun ready to go....when I arrived, my biggest question was whether Shaun had been walking around and doing "too much" while I was gone. He promised he'd stay put in the recliner...

Not only was he up and walking, but our neighbor had stopped in with our puppy Macchiatto. He had been hit by a car. It was quite obvious his right hind leg was seriously broken...but when I sat with him and pet him I heard huge irregularity in his breathing. (knowing he didn't have asthma...) I began to cry thinking that he was probably bleeding internally and there was damage to his lungs...

Emotionally spent, I plunged into bed and was praying for sleep... well, a quick nap anyway to escape the thoughts of telling the kids about Macchiatto. I went back to get Shaun his next dose of meds and then sat with Macch a little more.

Vicky was texting me about Darren coming to help me get Shaun to the MD and when I told her about Macch, she must have tossed her 4 + 1 children in the van because she was at my house in no time from Lexington. Diane also arrived to help with the dog. So as we were leaving to take Shaun to the MD, I had also carrying out Macch to Vic's van in what I hoped wasn't goodbye, but kinda knew in my heart that it was.

So off Di and Vic went to a vet for Macch. And off Darren and I went to Dr. Ziglar's with Shaun...having not slept, I about collapsed in the waiting room. Shaun didn't have that luxury because he couldn't sit down. As we were called into the exam room, Vic called and said that Macch had to be put to sleep. I remember standing there watching Shaun get onto the scale reluctantly to be weighed and time stopped for a moment. I swallowed hard and tried to switch gears to focus on Shaun - in huge amounts of pain, needing assistance to walk, waiting for the MD to come in and our puppy died. That sucked.

It was a relief to talk to Dr. Ziglar about Shaun's back and get him on the correct meds for his pain. If it's not better with these meds and some physical therapy in a short time, we'll be looking at an MRI and surgery - possible.

Posted by: "Darren & Vicky Kugal" mailto:dkugal@triad.rr.com?Subject=dvkugal
Thu Feb 7, 2008 2:24 pm (PST)
Colleen is exhausted and has asked that I send out a quick update.Shaun went to his doctor today and found out that he is dealing with a slipped disk. He is still in massive pain. His doc gave him different meds, hopefully we will see him improve soon. This is going to be a process as I know that physical therapy was mentioned. Shaun told me that it's really hard being away from his class, pray that he will allow his body to heal before he pushes himself too soon. Pray for Colleen as she is making sure that Shaun gets his meds all through the night. Not only is she exhausted, but her dog was hit by a car today and had to be put to sleep. Colleen is so strong, but she's got a lot on her right now. Pray for strength.Thank you for praying for his family through this time. ~Vicky

Still a mess....(just before the visit to Dr. Ziglar)

2008-02-07T18:25:00.000-06:00

Dear Teachers, Staff, Family and Friends: Please pray. Shaun is still a mess...Yesterday in the ER, they would only take the "most conservative" treatment, which is pain management. They are calling this "acute" even though he has a history of back issues and a family history of spinal stinosis (sp?). (That's the shrinking of the spinal colomn)

The slightest pressure on his entire right leg and hip causes excruciating pain. He cannot walk without my support and sitting is next to impossible. I've never see him in this kind of pain before, including the liver biopsy (4 years ago), and the nasal surgery he's had more than 6 years ago. His right leg is numb, yet feels like fire and his skin remains cold to the touch. He's on 4 different drugs to manage the swelling, pain and nausea, so he's quite spaced out and sleepy. Yet when he moves or is bumped, he's still in horrible pain.

We know and stand firm on our foundation in the Lord. He said yesterday in the middle of a recovering from a bump from one of the kids that in spite of the circumstances he does not feel far from God. He knows God is over him and is going to walk with him through this (quite literally right now.).We will be going to our PCP today for further help. (pray we can get into the van - that was a real trial yesterday and the reason I called the ambulance to transport him to the ER).

We are hoping to get some kind of scan to determine EXACTLY what's causing the pain - whether its a herniated disc or something in addition to that. We appreciate and love all of you! Thank you Diane and Marc for your support! Thank you Vicky for all the information from family and everything else. Thank you Pastor Holly and Brandon for grabbing the kids from school yesterday and dinner for all of us too. We're taking this hour by hour on this crazy med schedule - round the clock - so I'll keep all of you posted as I am able.

Blessings in His Powerful Name,Colleen

Typed on the day of Torment

2008-02-07T18:24:00.000-06:00

Realized that my message this morning didn't go through to you > all...thanks Vicky for the message yesterday letting everyone know > what's up.>

> Today...took the kids to school, had many people pray for Shaun, the > kids and I in the hall - Thanks to all of you! > > I was rushing home because the medication Shaun was on made > him ...well, you know...a bit loopy. He had a tendency to get up > and wander around. Well, as much wandering as you can limp around > our living room doing with back pain. But he was using me as a > support every time he got up, so I was hoping he'd just sleep till I > got back.> >

Rushed back to find that he had been up. Thankfully he didn't fall, > or leave the house! But our neighbor had come over with our puppy, > coaxing him (the puppy)back to the house. Machiatto had been hit by > a car. It was obvious his right rear leg was broken so I made him > as comfortable as possible. > >

Gave Shaun his additional dose of medication (he was on 5) then went > back to get water for Mach and put some blankets over him. That's > when I noticed that his breathing was very shallow and somewhat > irradic. Thankfully, Diane and Vicky arrived within minutes of each > other willing to take Mach to a vet. Darren arrived several minutes > later and helped me take Shaun to our family MD. Yes, this was all > happening at once!> >

As soon as they called Shaun back to the exam room, Vicky had called > to let us know that Mach was very bad and had to be put down. That > really sucked to hear (sorry everyone that's more spiritual than I, > but it's just how I felt).> > With relief our family MD - Susan Ziglar in Rural Hall (if you live > up here and want a fabulous MD - she's awesome!) - was able to > explain what was going on to us. (about Shaun that is) Now I have > a thorough understanding of the difference between a "slipped" disk, > a "herniated" disk, and a "ruptured" disk. They respectively get > worse and the latter requires surgery. Thankfully, Shaun was on > the "slipped" end.> > And the wonderful MD's in the ER couldn't figure out why 2 doses of > dilaudid, 1 of ativan, 1 of valium, and 2 of morphine as well as a > steroid weren't relieving his pain. They just sent us home and said > it'll take time to heal, but we can't tell you how bad it is.> > But Dr. Z could - we needed NERVE pain meds, not narcotics. > Narcotics don't effect nerve pain at all (Shaun knows this very well > now). So, now on the correct meds and a huge dose of additional > steroids to reduce swelling and he's a much happier camper. He's > sleeping on the living room floor with his feet on the couch right > now. And soon to be in physical therapy.> > So now to go home and face the death of our pup. We got home and > thankfully, Vicky was able to make us dinner for later - huge > relief.

Pastor Holly and Brandon were able to get our kids from > school. And Diane dropped off our prescriptions to be filled.> > In the middle of this whole day - which seems like an eternity now > to look back - I had a flat tire, Shaun still doesn't know about > that. I had to get to the Post Office (because someone bricked our > mail box last week and they haven't told us where we can put it back > up yet). I also had to get to the bank and drug store for pick up > of the meds.> >

Oh, and did I mention to top off the whole last two days I dropped > our coffee carafe in the sink and it shattered, so I bought one > coffee pot which didn't work, returned it and purchased another one > at the drug store today. - To go through all this and NOT have > coffee! absurd - totally!> >

And still to return home to tell the kids that Mach had died and > bury him together - not a fun evening. Thankfully Pastor Holly and > Brandon were a huge support through that mess! Pastor had never had > to do a pet burial before, but she was a huge support to our kids > and myself. Brandon - can't say enough buddy! You're the best.> >

The kids well, we're getting through it. They are truly showing us > who God is in this mess.> > The husband, don't tell our MD, but he came out for the "ceremony".> > The wife, side-stepped a migraine today - amazingly, and I'm ready > for a good nights sleep after a midnight dose of meds for Shaun.> >

Our friends, family and everyone at the school and church - the > meals, calls, and gift cards - unbelievably heart-felt! We are again > truly reminded that God did not make us to be islands, but to get > through this life-thing together.> >

We love you all! And as far as anything any of you wants to do for > us...call Shaun over the next 10 days and tell him to NOT do > anything and NOT feel guilty over NOT being able to do stuff. And > if you see our kids in the hallway at school/church - give them a > hug and tell them how awesome they are! Shaun and I usually do this > everyday and I know they are missing that! > >
Love to all and keep the prayers coming! Recovery is happening on > all fronts as God is driving this mini van and we're on a journey of > a lifetime!> > In Christ Alone,> Colleen

The prayers begin for my husband...

2008-02-06T16:00:00.000-06:00

Shaun's sister is awesome about getting info to our Sunday School Group. Well, the Sunday School group that has now become our family in Winston-Salem.

She sent out this to ask for prayer because this morning we had to call the ambulance at 6:00 a.m. because Shaun couldn't move. He spent the last 3 days in horrible pain from an accident he had with a 2 story ladder working with a friend on Sat. the 2nd of Feb. Two days of Chiropractic in a row offered no relief and when he sneezed this morning - oh my - crippled him to the floor.

He couldn't move and I couldn't move him, so the ambulance arrived. Funny thing was, he was up early because he couldn't sleep from the pain and had already gotten dressed for School to teach his 4th grade class. Talk about high tolerance for pain. God had to take him to the floor in order that he'd pay attention and get help. (He sure wasn't listening to his wife;-)

Another funny thing...I had run into the house after they rolled him out and told the paramedics that I had to get my bag and I'd be right out. Well before I could get back out the door they were pulling out of the driveway! I had a notion to run after them because no one wants to ride alone to the ER, but I thought better of it when a moment of reality hit that I'd have to LEAVE the hospital at some point and get myself home. So God wanted me by himself on the way to hospital. In retrospect, that was fine - but I think I kicked myself half way to the hospital that I went back for my purse in the first place.

Yet another funny thing, and the last of anything close to funny for the rest of the day...I got to the ER before the ambulance! Went in, asked for Shaun, the lady checked the computer, and walked to the back and NO Shaun! I chuckled for a second, then got worried - what if they CRASHED!

I went to the entrance and eagerly awaited his arrival. Couldn't call him - I had his cell. I was about ready to radio down the drivers through the ER, when they pulled up and unloaded my poor, contorted husband.

Well, this is getting long, so I'll finish up by just summarizing the frustration both Shaun and I had after 2 doses of narcotics, ativan, valium, and morphine - no pain relief, just an irritated, drugged husband! They released him after 6 hours of no treatment and sent him home no better than he had entered - now that's service!

We would have been better had we been able to "pour him into a cup", than try to fit him in the van. (thanks for that visual Diane - it made me laugh when I wanted to hit the PA)

Anyway, here's the first of several entries to follow about our journey on this new road for Shaun...

Posted by: "Darren & Vicky Kugal" mailto:dkugal@triad.rr.com?Subject=dvkugal
Wed Feb 6, 2008 10:46 am (PST)
Hey guys, please remember Shaun Wenner-Foy in your prayers today. He was taken by ambulance this morning to the hospital with excruciating back pain. I know he was on Valium and Morphine along with other pain meds, but they were not stopping his pain. Colleen is getting him into their doctor tomorrow and at that point they will decided if they can do an MRI. Please pray for my brother.~Vicky Kugal

Long Time No Post

2007-09-12T21:08:00.002-05:00

How are ya? - No really, How are ya? I said I'm great - almost meant it I guess. I think I really am, but confused at the same time.

God I'd like for my arm to be healed. The swelling doesn't bother me, and the occassional irritation of the lymphedema, isn't a big deal. But I hate the not sleeping at night because of the pain. I feel like I need to be healed to be effective - fully effective for his service and for his glory as a complete testimony. Well, my vision of complete is healed anyway.

I don't think God wants any of us "broken", disabled, or wounded in any way. But I know he uses circumstances to grow us. How have I grown in the last year? Well, in alot of ways...emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally...I guess a little in each. But lets go deeper.

What is it that I want more than anything else? To grow into the acceptance of God. Weird huh? It's like I want to grow up to be acceptable, or be better to be acceptable, or do what's right all the time and please everyone to be acceptable. What a sham that is to believe! I know I can't work my way into God's acceptance, he just does - accept me, love me, forgive me, and want me to be whole. So what am I striving for?

I want to feel it in my heart that even when I'm upsetting someone, if it be because of a value that I hold, I don't want to apologize for what I believe. I don't want to apologize for loving God, wanting his will for my life, and speaking about what he's done in me, my life and my family. Where do I think the criticism comes from? Usually my perceptions of what I think people are thinking - ok, sounds paranoid doesn't it.

But I don't think I'm the only one. How can I be recklessly abandoned for God if I'm worrying about what other people think? Easy answer - not possible! We have to be able to not be ashamed, or apologetic about what we believe. We need to know what we believe and why. What are our core values and beliefs? Where do they come from? Hopefully the Bible, cuz what else really matters?

Here's what I believe...

God created me because he wants somebody to love.

God created me with a purpose to fulfill as long as I'm alive on this earth.

God has defined that purpose in my life as ministry to children and their parents.

God continues to shape that purpose with practice within my family at home.

God asks for love, and I want to give it to him and be able to freely accept it from him as well.

I want to honor God, his people, and his stuff and teach kids to do the same.

I believe that kids raised with unconditional love will prosper because that reflects God's desires.

I don't think any of this is threading together yet, but here's the attempt...

I reread this draft today...2/16/08. Haven't written since then and now I realize why - was afraid that someone would criticze what I had to say! Stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I don't care so I'm publishing this entry.

And by now most people are no longer in the habit of reading my blog, so it was really just for me to process through anyway!

Living in the New Covenant.

2007-09-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

Yep, the new job is keeping me busy! I've so enjoyed getting to know the church staff and see them regularly. It's great to be a part of such a grounded spiritual team that's ok with vulnerability and being real.

I love going to work - I love working with Pastor Holly and Sarai. I love being at the school with the kids - noon naps with Ethan and recess with Josie. Still not visiting JC during the day cuz he's just getting used to seeing me and still staying in line with his class. (That is opposed to running across the cafeteria away from his teacher and class to find me and pour out desperate tears and pleas to ask me to go home!)

Things felt very challenging last week, but have calmed down extremely this week. I know now that I can do more in less time, that helps alot. I've found some resources to improve my Power Point and Excel skills - that's huge! But most of all, I'm enjoying the time in prayer with the Parents Prayer Team and the Teachers on a regular basis.

I even found myself pushing the carpet before Sunday's services alone in my office. Amazing how that time, now looking back was so needed! The day went so smooth and God was amazingly seen in the services that happened.

And my study time with God is really getting interesting. I've read through 1 and 2 Samuel recently and now am reading through 1 Kings. I'm taken by the amount of rulership that Solomon had and still fell. Yet that paralells our lives as well. You're never too close to God to fall. I have been striving to be closer and closer to him so that I can stay farther and farther away from sin.

God punishing Solomon's son for Solomon's sins confuses me though. Course it was life without grace and mercy back then. Whew, I'm thankful we're living in the New Covenant. I screw up so much that I'm so so so thankful for His great grace! And so thankful for his amazing love, for while we were still making stipud choices, he love for us never stopped!

The New Covenant - the new agreement, the new promises - how thankful I am that my children will not suffer the consequences of my sin. We all will be accountable for ourselves.

The Zone

2007-07-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

Well, today was the day that I got to seal the deal with respect to my starting a new job next month. I'm so excited I can hardly type, but it's also 2 a.m. and I can't sleep!

God has moved in amazing ways to bring me to a point that I am able to join with the staff at Winston-Salem First Assembly and be a player in their children's ministry on a full time basis. I'm thrilled to be working under Holly Potter and be able to help her see her vision through for children's ministries at church.

I want to be a servant in every way I can, and God has opened the doors to allow that to happen and I am honored. The road is not paved and the course is not drawn out, but I'm humbled to be a part of a growing community of people that are working together to help children be used in their giftings even now while they are young.

Many new and exciting things are taking place at church and in my life - so fast it seems that I haven't taken the time to blog at all. Yet, nothing is lost for God sees all, knows all, and will guide me through it all as I surrender to Him!

Itchy Sweater - THX Kerri!

2007-07-28T00:56:00.000-05:00

Kerri, this was so good, I just didn't want to loose it in my email...thanks for being so transparent, real, and creative - I can apply this to my life in many ways and I know others will also!

The itchy sweaterI call it my itchy sweater.... "it" has been my life as of late....and some of yours too..... it can be a time of inner turmoil or outer chaos.... or both....Do you ever feel that way...sort of like wearing a wool sweater in the middle of summer....So uncomfortable in your own skin......knowing you'd like to run away but not knowing where to go? Knowing you'd like to talk, but not knowing what to say.....

Well today, I have been overwhelmed by joys and sorrows, goodness and sadness, things gone right and disappointments too.... watching my friends and family in pain, heartache or their own disappointment, they too are wearing an itchy sweater....so I go to my daddy, He can help. I tell him of this feeling, this state of being.....he just holds me tight....sometimes causing the sweater to itch even more.....funny thing is, He hasn't taken the sweater off me yet.

But you know what the awesome thing is? When I go to Him, He listens, even to the moaning and complaining....I share with him my heart about all the situations with my friends. He seems to know how Ifeel. He too must have worn an itchy sweater at one time or another.

So, I just encourage you all, even as I today need some too....He can helpyou through this time, what ever "it" is.... turmoil, disappointment, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, unknowing, unanswered state you may be in....He will give you the strength and peace to get through the times of wearing that itchy sweater......I believe DADDY has gone shopping and I am looking forward to a new silkshirt any day now!

Blessings family,Kerri CampbellKerriCampbell@alltel.net

G-U-I-DANCE

2007-07-02T09:51:00.000-05:00

This message was sent to me with no author, but I love the metaphor and I feel like it would be a great visual picture for Extreme Club to teach the kids how closely God wants to walk us through life...

Dancing With God

When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance. When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i". "God, "u" and "i" dance." God, you, and I dance. As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday. May you abide in God, as God abides in you.Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.

Interceding in prayer is one of the best gifts we can receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards; so let's continue to pray for one another. And I Hope You Dance !

Kids Camp

2007-07-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

June 9 through the 14th I spent one of the best weeks of my life with my daughter. The week was ordered by God and all the details were taken care of ahead of time - it was amazing!

The facility at Camp Dixie was awesome - Go Karts, a Gym, Water activities on the lake - canoeing, the Flume slide and the Blob (big thing that bounces people high into the water). The food was amazingly great! And the dorms were airconditioned! Made for some happy campers (and counselors) - because we all got better nights sleep that way!

Bible Mania - games that reinforce the topics from the daily devotions was a blast. And I guess you could call them Extreme games - messy as all get out, and the winning team got to slim their counselors. Our boys really thought they'd get me, but in the end it was only the Shaving Cream battle that really messed me up! I think I still own Ethan and Austin a couple paybacks for that!

The nightly services were awesome - the camp under Pastor Thompson was very well lead. The kids had the great opportunity to have a live band that grew out of kids that came up through the camp. They were very good and the kids loved the music. It was great to see the kids participate in the praise as well as the worship!

Sweet time was had with many of the kids in prayer at the altar. They were so open and ready to hear what God had to say. Many came with heavy hearts and felt the relief of God when they were able to let go of circumstances out of their control. I was so moved by the presence of the Holy Spirit as many children were baptized and led others through praying to receive their baptisim in the Holy Spirit.

Debriefing chats at the dorm after each night were wonderful. It was great to talk about what happened each night and answer questions of the girls. They are so honest and unhindered in learning at their young ages and I love the sweet spirit of innocence that the girls represented.

I was touched by many things, not the least of which were the children standing with their hands raised at the altar and tears streaming down their cheeks. Seth was standing in the presence of God each night - whether at the altar, or 1/2 way back in the crowd or standing alone at the side. He was with God and receiving his blessings. Blessings that Seth won't even be able to know everything about at his age, but will be able to look back to this point in time and know that God was calling him to his service.

Ethan and John Michael, faces on the floor, seeking God and praying in earnest. Girls like Anna, Madison, Rachel, and Kimberly pleading with God for their prayer language. Many of the younger girls watched as God showed up and was real to them for the first time. It was so awesome to be available for kids at what ever place they found themselves - just to sit with them and drink in the presence of God.

Not only that, I so enjoyed the kids who just asked question after question about what was going on and what it all meant. When Josie crawled up into my lap on Wednesday night part of me wanted to be praying with the kids, then I realized that I need to pray with MY kid! We sat in a rocker at the back for a good while and we talked about the baptisim of the Holy Spirit. Finally I asked Josie if she'd like to ask God for it and she responded "no, I think I'll wait until I'm a little older." I thought that was so cool - wisdom from a 7 year old! And a peace in her spirit that she didn't feel left out that others were receiving their prayer language and she wasn't.

Later that night some of the leaders (Amber and Pastor Rick) pulled me aside prayed with me. It was a powerful time and I remember Amber prophesying that I would "collect bracelets from around the world in my ministry". (She and I hadn't had a conversation prior to that so she was unaware of my call to foreign missions work) "Fire Dancer, Fire Dancer, Fire Dancer" Lord what is that about? Pastor Rick kept praying that I would begin to see that God's vision is not my vision and that I needed to reach out and grasp for His picture of what I'm called to do. I'm still praying about what all that is about.

Josie was at my side while all that took place and she held my hand. I truly believe that the experience has drawn us so much closer together. She has returned a changed little girl. She's not so caught up with frustration and aggitation like before the week came. She's freer to be herself instead of the "mom" figure for the boys. She's also more secure. Being away for those surgeries really rocked her world and what safety and security was all about for her.

Now I believe that she'll be able to look back and see that God's provision was all around her during and through the times when Mommy couldn't be here for her. I'm blessed to say she's been given to me as a gift from God and that I know He'll continue to guide me in raising her as a powerful woman of God.

Too long..

2007-06-04T10:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, almost a month since my last entry. Life got busy AND we actually got to go away for three days that we soo soo soo soo enjoyed!

May was a busy month, with the wrapping up of school...the end of year activities for both Shaun and Josie...the Race for the Cure I mentioned in my last entry...and getting plans together for the summer!

Oh, and my birthday! yeah, I'm celebrating my 26th this year. And it was wonderful to celebrate while we were on our little vacation together! We had a great little "everybody's birthday party" with the Seifrits and Caysons in New Bern, NC.

It was a treat to be greeted by my children with hugs and happy birthday's! Course Jordan's been trying to give me the present he's gotten me for 3 days now. Each morning he would come into my bedroom and wish me a happy birthday and curiously ask if today was the day I got to open my present. He's just so cute!

ok, so it's too difficult to think to write with three kids home running through the house playing "Angels and Bad Guys".

Another time...

Race for the Cure

2007-05-07T20:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my first walk for anything and it's for me! It was exciting, saddening, celebratory, and thought-provoking all at the same time. My goodness, I had a team of 18 people who raised over 700.00 for the Komen Foundation! That amazed me!

The sheer numbers of people at this race amazed me - like 10,000 people with their dogs, strollers, (umbrellas unfortunately), hats, shirts, photos, and smiles.

The people walking with photos of their mothers on their backs to remember them...the people walking we knew, but didn't know would be there...the people willing to welcome you at the finish line no matter when you got there...the support of the team I had holding my hand, arm around my shoulder, or snapping lots of pictures (thanks Marlene)...

The first mile - what a celebration...

The second mile - tears realizing that next year, I might not have been able to do this...

The third mile - peaceful and serene realizing how deeply cancer effects so many lives...

The last .1 mile - a relief and a joy (Josie and I really had to go to the bathroom!)

Josie was such a trooper - walking right along us at times, riding on her daddy's shoulders with her flag over her shoulder, and holding Zoe's hand!

The flag - what an honor my daughter gave me...a few months ago, she wanted to practice her sewing again. (I taught her how to sew when she turned 5) She got some black and white material and made a black flag with white edges and a white hope ribbon in the middle - a beautiful thing. But Friday when she came home from school she decided that we needed to put everyone's name on the banner that we knew that has/had cancer. So off to Hancock's Fabric Store for fabric paint and some ribbon.

I couldn't believe how beautiful it turned out - I mean just gorgeous! And she was so proud and felt so thrilled to show Daddy when he got back from basketball. It truly was a joy to do together, but having so many people ask us about it in the race was even more fulfilling. Josie got so many compliments on her work, she got embarrassed after awhile!

Having Aunt Vicky there to walk with us was a very special thing! She came with such warmth and love and excitement that made the day extra special for Josie! And a huge thanks to Vicky for the beautiful thank you bags you put together! I'm still tracking down people to give them out! But it was such a thoughtful and special idea to appreciate everyone who walked with me.

Thank you to the Burrow's family, the Anderson's, Holli, Missy, Kimberly, and Chelsea! It was a wonderful day, and the rain held off until the very end!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to my dear husband. Who at the exact moment I needed it, came to me and put his arm around my waist and walked with me while the tears ran down my face knowing we can face anything together after facing this.

"Let Go Of Your Pillow"

2007-05-07T20:20:00.000-05:00

Why? Dumb question I guess if you think about it. But tonight God, when you woke me up at 4:18 and kept telling me to Let Go of My Pillow, I got annoyed. The window was open and the breeze was cool, and I was cold. I rolled over a few times too many and finding no comfort in my pillow to hold on to, I got up.

At the foot of the bed I prayed, Lord. Very distracted by the barking dogs outside and the clutter in my head. I released the clutter by the power of God and called the dogs in from the farm to quiet them. And Lord here I am at the computer waiting on you.....
.....
.....
.....
.....

God I want more of you Lord. Empty me of the things that I need to let go of and help me to focus only on you.

God I pray for my children, that you would move miraculously in their lives even now at their young ages of 7, 5, and 3. Lord I pray for all our children. You are moving in their midst from Baby Church through Adventure, Quest and Extreme Club.

Lord I pray for your anointing on them that would protect them from satan and his demons. Lord I know that you have more power, more glory, and more love than what satan can stand up to and I pray those three things over our children right now.

As I have heard so many events going on in the lives of our children Lord that are so disturbing and so provoking, I pray against the influence of culture, negativity and all other forms of distraction and sin that our children face. I pray against the evil in this world -that which we see AND THAT WE DON'T SEE.

I pray over our children's spirits that you would protect them and guide them. Lord I pray that you would erect a hedge of protection around their little souls that would be unbreakable by any scheme of satan. Lord I believe in the spiritual battles that take place beyond what we can physically see and I know that as we petition you in prayer it changes the effectiveness of satan's schemes.

Lord I want my children to see a pure and holy marriage with Shaun and I and Lord I want my children to see us broken before you and holding on to you for our strength and every breath. Allow their spirits to be encouraged by us, their parents, who seek you for our lives' work.

God I pray for bondages to be broken in children effected by abuse, neglect, and insufficient love. God give children, all children the power to believe in you even in the brokenness of this world we live in. Give them the power to believe in goodness, purity, peace, love, and obedience. Help children to feel your love when nothing around them is loving them just because they're them.

God I know that you are working in the lives of many children, calling them to do your will and know you and work in your ways in their schools, neighborhoods, and families. Let us not neglect their words of wisdom that come from you. Help us to listen to our children and help them feel through the things that hurt them. Help us not to disregard their thoughts and feelings because they are young. But help us to teach them that their thoughts and feelings matter.

Help us to reach into their world and guide them along in your strength and love. Give us the ability to treat them with love and respect at all times. In love, fun, and discipline, Lord - allow us to be Your model for them Lord. Empower us Lord to use your Word to equip them for your service.

Lord convict us of our sins so that we are fully available to our children. Let nothing be in the way of what you want to teach our children through us. Help our mistakes be teachable moments and be there to guide our conversations. Open our eyes to see their mistakes as teachable moments and not a time to shame, project guilt, or ridicule our precious little ones.

God be glorified in all we do and all we say and keep our minds on you so that we have no room for the lies of satan. God take what little we can offer you and help us to bless children as you did, with gentleness and lovingkindness. Help us all become like little children so we don't miss the real life in you. The real life of forgiveness and belief in you.

Help us not to complicate our lives with distractions. Enable us to reach your little ones and meet them where their faith is and help us to grow their faith. Lord in all these things, we count it done.

Thank you Lord for making me uncomfortable in my most comfortable place so that I might be a living sacrifice for you. Can I go hold my pillow now?;-)
......
.....
....
.....
....
"Yes."
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!
Amen
__._,_.___

Holding pattern

2007-04-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

Ya know, it's been frustrating lately to get back to real life and still wonder how long we have to wait to get to the mission field. The majority of the MD appts are over - well, actually I'm putting off going back for the final stage stuff until I'm ready to be a patient again. But I've at least had some breathing room.

And I'm beginning to feel more like myself and knowing that the healing journey is moving forward - in all aspects. I woke up a couple of days this week without the "cancer" thoughts on my mind so I consider that to be very good progress.

So, now I see my husband and I still in the waiting pattern - circling the airport - holding, just holding for the words "prepare for landing". Now I'm not talking about cancer anymore. I'm talking about what God created Shaun and I to do! Since before we met, Shaun and I have both had a desire to travel in foreign countries, yet have had little experience doing it. But then we realized that really God put that desire in our hearts so that we could teach children here or anywhere - wherever He sends us.

After 12 years of marriage and 3 kids, we've been wondering especially since October of 2005, what God had in store. That October was critical because we were able to connect with missionaries that really made a difference in our focus for God's work. And God brought us so much more together in our marriage spiritually over the 18 months after that.

The mission tripin July of 2006 for the kids crusade in Belize was the clincher. There is absolutely no doubt for Shaun or I that we are called to minister to kids, either teaching in a school, or kids evangelism, or something. God is still fine tuning what it's going to look like, because there really isn't much we wouldn't do to reach kids for Christ.

God even has brought our children on board about it. For the longest time, I think since Jordan has been able to talk and know what "home" means, he's been asking us "When are we going home?" Now in context, he ALWAYS asks us that and I mean ALWAYS, when we are in our house! So we just tell him to let us know when we're "home".

Secondly, Josie - wow, what a heart for people. She is very caring and generous and is always wanting to do something for someone else. Fortunately now is the time we're teaching her that it isn't by the Robinhood approach that we should do this - but her heart is right anyway.

Josie out of the blue two days ago asked us "When are we going to move again?" She quite regularly askes us when we're going to Africa or Belize again. Now we haven't been to Africa - just the Lazy 5 Ranch, but she's a girl up for adventure - always has been.

Ethan is another story, but a good one. He's my "little middle" as long as he's with his parents - he'll be just fine!

So church Wednesday night was fabulous! I finally now understand what the heck is going on and why after all the years of preparation that we've had working with all types of US children, we are still not on the foreign mission field. Now I know that there are plenty of US children that need to know Jesus and need his touch in their lives and need positive role models. But God has specifically called Shaun and I to be open to foreign missions. I'm realizing that he doesn't call many to that work and why.

But anyway, Wednesday night...Pastor Rakes used an illustration that totally makes sense as to what we're doing in what we thought was a holding pattern. Actually, we're not in a holding pattern at all! Through the years that God has been preparing us to work at various levels with children and doing various things, God has always driven the car and we've been on the ride. We've been walking toward what God has placed in our hearts - desires for Him and his children.

As we walk, we come to a place that seems like the proverbial "Holding pattern", which is really the other side of a door. We've opened the door and steped through and see nothing more in the way of concrete information that we're supposed to act on. Well, Pastor said that what we're actually stepping into is a war! The lightbulb went on immediately for me - we have a specific job to do right now and it's to fight off all the evil, negative, disappointing, depressing things that are happening in our lives and the lives of those around us so that we are so TOTALLY prepared for spiritual battle when we receive God's offer. We want to be readier than ready!

We'll be so hungry for the country, the time and the people that when God opens that specific door, we'll be ready to jump in with both feet. In the mean time, it is our mission in our marriage to become completely connected spiritually, in thought, word and action so that the devil would have no way to thwart what God wants to do in our lives.

Shaun and I pray together that God's preparation for us to enter the foreign mission field would use every experience we've been through as a guidepost for how to handle a similar situation in another culture. Shaun and I also pray that we become so connected to almost know what each other is thinking and how to read our body language so that we don't miss anything that God has for us or wants to do through us because we've gotten side tracked with selfishness.

Ya know, the more I type the more I believe God has a task for us that will be nothing compared to what we've been through, but that he will equip us exactly as we need to be to further his Kingdom.

So this was a serious log, but from my heart - God is making me more and more hungry for him!

Thinking back...

2007-04-20T12:36:00.000-05:00

Today I was thinking about the walk....well, let me start a little earlier just to show you how my train of thought wanders.

I went to the Y again today. I'm exploring the aerobics classes now that I have more energy. It's amazing how the names of aerobics have changed since I was in college in the early 90's. Forget high impact and low impact as your choices. Now's there's 20-20-20, Interval, Step-low, Step-high, and this new class called "Zumba". I read the description and thought - hey, I'll try it.

And actually it was fun. I just felt weird being that everyone was 20 years my senior at least. And I had arrived in my spandex-y suit thinking I'd at least look the part while I'm figuring out what all these classes are now. I knew it had to do with some kind of Latin dance, but I guess I pictured a combo of the scene at Speak Easy's when Shaun and I went twice for Salsa lessons and aerobics?!?!

Anyway, there were 6 of us in the class and two wandered in and wandered out after a very short time. The others were dressed in street clothes right down to the slip-on dress shoes. I knew I was in trouble when the instructor described the class as much more dancy and much less aerobic. Being the only one in aerobic attire I imagine that's why she needed to explain that to me!

But anyway, the class was fun - she taught like 4 dances, the Mirange (sp?), the Salsa (not the one I learned at Speak-Easy's), and one more then the Flamingo! Well, I really had myself all tied in knots about that one. Here's the instructor teaching - very well I might add, just my speed - all the steps, and then she just says "Ok, now add a little "hip" and you've got it!" My hips have either forgotten how to move in the last 15 years or been frozen by the adopted pentacostal in me

Ok, so when is Colleen going to get to the point...ok...NOW! After class I just mentioned to the instructor that I appreciated her teaching style and she introduced herself to me. She recognized me from church!!! All I could think of was "Ok, now add a little "Hip" and you've got it!"

But anyway, her name brought me back to diagnosis day - September 6, 2006 when I had the "walk". I had walked to the mail box and received a small envelope - Yeah, not a bill! Something personal, oh how we all love those. So I opened it and it was an encouraging note from someone at church whom I did not recognize. This person obviously knew me very well by what she had written in the card. Her encouragement was so well timed! And then I had figured it out - she had to be working in Extreme Club to know me more than I knew her.

So and I read the note card and took a slow walk back to the house with a very heavy heart knowing I had been diagnosed with cancer. The card brought tears to my eyes and I didn't even recognize the person! God's spirit was there in the moment of my deepest sorrow waiting for me to take a short walk to the mail box - just for a moment of encouragement that I needed right then.

I smiled and remembered how I wanted to always feel like I was nestled in God's righteous right hand. It's easy to feel you're there when you're feeling great - but it's easy to forget you're there when you're feeling let down. God has been and will always be with me. His Spirit lives inside of me and resonates within me when I think about what he's done in my life. Wow, His Spirit - LIVES IN ME!

How humbling is that - enormously so I believe.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Bible Gateway)

Creative - not...

2007-04-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

Not feeling very creative today, but feel a need to write. Been lost in thoughts lately about what the heck God is up to. Ever been there? Just feeling again like we're on that proverbial carrosel at the amusement park. Is it beautiful? Yes, it is. Is it fun? Yes, usually. Is it getting anywhere? No.

So is that the answer God - we're going around to another point in our lives that we've been before because we haven't gotten it the first time and now we need to REALLY learn it?

Or is it that I just haven't had enough fun yet? Probably not.

I'll save the details because they just get blah blah blah. But suffice it to say that we've revisited this place in the past financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and we thought we've taken several hundred steps toward God and into some (small) bit of understand of what He has created us for.

Don't get me wrong, I was asking myself that same question today. Well, I know I'm created to worship God and to teach children about God and how he is REAL today. Shaun and I have been doing that for years now and love it each time we have the opportunity.

We also know that God is allowing our hearts for missions to remain burning - albeit on the back burner right now until I finish with the intense MD follow ups since the cancer. But the passion for reaching children in other countries is still very strong.

Now the getting out of debt thing that we've worked so hard on and now remain a few steps backwards because of the cancer hickup - that's a real hole in my side. Got the job to pay off the student loans so we could go on the mission field, like within 2 years. Then have to step down in order to heal? What's that about - ok, I know I need to take care of myself, but just seems a little crazy.

I know that God's timing isn't anything near what we think it should be. However, we've now been preparing for this journey for 12 years! Ok, so we haven't been wandering for a full 40 yet, nor do I think we'll have to. But if we do, I'm not sure I won't be bitter for it taking so long to get to our goal! Just being real here.

Anyway, said all that to say that I'm frustrated. I'm tired of looking good and feeling like we're climbing up a rock wall in the Alleghany Mountains in Pennsylvania and getting knocked down 3 foot holds for each 4 we take.

Does God have a lesson for us? Sure. Patience, endurance, humility, persistence, yep, probably all of those. But when we got an invitation to join a teaching team with a full salaried position in a couple different countries yesterday (including full medical benefits - just in case you were wondering Mom!), it was hard to say, we're not ready yet.

So I am continuing to pray for a miracle. One is that God enables us to pay off our student loans quickly. Money from heaven is NOT outside the request, I just don't know what that looks like - nor do I care. I don't think our lender would mind seeing the money come in either (even though they are probably making more on our unpaid balance - you all know what I mean).

And I'm praying for a miracle for my sons suffering from allergies and other crud. Yes, they are both sick again, and I am just beyond tired of telling people they are STILL sick, so I say "we're all great!" Not trying to lie, just speaking healing in advance.

My other miracle will remain unstated here, but it's for Josie-Lynn our 7 year old daughter. I know God is going to pull through for her. And I can't wait until I can see how that changes her life!

Chow.

Walk/Running for the Cause

2007-04-05T12:49:00.000-05:00

Wow, didn't think about doing this before, but when you're struck by something personally it really does change your priorities!

This year I'll be walk/running in the Susan B. Koman Run for the Cure. It's May 5th in Winston-Salem and I'm so excited that my friend Robbyn is going to do it with me. We've talked about getting a team together, so I'll invite teachers from FACS and my friends from our Sunday School group, but if it's just me, I know why I'm doing it.

I'm walking not as much because I've been effected by cancer, but so that others will have the best chance possible with the best research possible to fight their cancer diagnosis like I have. It was by no means a stroke of luck that I was able to seek the doctors I did, or have the personal experience of those around me to attest to what I know God was blessing be to be able to do.

I'm wanting to write a book about my experiences so that more people will know the truly awesome experience I've had. But at the same time my experience will not be the best experience for everyone. So my prayer is that as I compile entries here and in my personal journal that God would weave together for me the organizational abilities to complete the task.

It may take years, it may take a month, but knowing what God's done and how he's showing me he's working in my life, it will be according to His plan as time allows. So one chapter will be about the Walk next month. I've heard many women speak about the amazing experience it is just to be a part of, so I'm looking forward to that. Also hoping I don't pass out before I reach the finish line! But I'll have Robbyn and Shaun to help me along. Come to think of it, I need to get to the YMCA to get my prep work outs in before I do try this thing!

Toodles!

No news, still need homes for puppies!

2007-04-04T08:26:00.000-05:00

Well, no news except that I was again reassured from my Oncologist that because of my decision to do a bilateral mastectomy, my chances of cancer returning is very very slim. Of course, they can't say for sure, but I'll take very, very slim! Makes me feel bad for women who can't make that decision and then face a reoccurance in the same or other breast.

We'll we still have puppies. 6 weeks old tomorrow and just so cuddly and fun to be around. We love to watch them play together and they come when we call them - it's so cute to see their little rears bouncing up and down as they pounce along! We've given away 2, but the woman is bringing back one tonight. She's just missing her mother too much I think.

So if anyone is interested, they are absolutely beautiful, cocker/lab mix. We have one female and two males. One is tan and fluffy as all get out with curly waves on his ears. The other two are black except one small spot of white on their chins/neck. They have the curly/wavy hair on their ears too.

A new time...

2007-03-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

To the doctor today and Monday too. Jordan is going to need immunology testing - hurray - 6 weeks off meds and then the shots - yuck! But today Josie wasn't feeling well. She's got swollen lymphnodes in her neck - probably the end side of a virus the doctor thinks - but hopefully either way, she'll be back in school tomorrow.

And to address the whole recovery thing...I've been struggling to find what the heck I can expect of myself these past 8 weeks since my 2nd stage of surgery. To no avail, I haven't figured it out. Some things exhaust me that I wouldn't think would be a problem and other things exhaust me more. So I have made a decision...

I will do what I can when I can and forget the rest!

I will prioritize what is most important - God, husband, kids, and the rest will fall into place.

I will enjoy relaxing when I can without feeling guilty that something isn't being accomplished.

I will think about the positive things that I see, have, and experience and leave the rest to be.

Wow, March 28th, a heck of a day to start New Year's resolutions, but I'm finding myself at that point - a new time.

New Arrivals!

2007-03-07T18:30:00.000-06:00

Ok, so much happened this weekend that I got lost where I left off here. So much craziness happened on Friday...

Jordan and I spotted Sugar (our sweet dog) crawling out from under the house! I tried to block the vent duct with the screen, but she kept whinning and whinning. Well come to find out, she had puppies in the crawl space!

We went to get Shaun and Josie from school and sure enough (and I hoped as much) Josie was willing to crawl under the house to get them - thank goodness she's still tiny! She crawled in in a second and she was dressed like it was winter. I didn't want to her to run into anything that might be waking up from the warmer days that might bite her, so we put on the gloves, sweatshirt, hat and boots.

Suddenly her hand stuck out the vent hole and we heard a muffled "Flashlight, please." Felt like we were doing surgery on the house! But she placed all the puppies into a blanket-lined basket and out came Sugar and the puppies. Almost forgot to help Josie out before we headed to the mud room with our new arrivals!

She didn't think a thing of it - "just get the puppies inside so we can HOLD them!"

And an exciting time we had Friday night, watching, petting, ooohhhing and aaahhhing. It was so fun. So, anybody looking for great puppies the first week in May?

The really cool part of all this is that Josie has been praying that Sugar would have puppies for 3 years! We were sure Sugar wasn't able to have puppies for as many male dogs that frequented here when she was in heat! But sure enough, that golden retriever was persistent!

We have 5 beautiful puppies - 3 white/golden males and 2 black females. They are all so cute nursing and they haven't even opened their eyes yet! If anyone would like to stop by to pet/see/pickout one, fell free!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!

2007-03-02T13:45:00.000-06:00

Ok, so that's my longest title to date. What a day. I was so hopeful this morning when we took Jordan to Dr. Ziglar that he'd be better, yet I could still hear the dragging in his lungs myself despite the three antibiotic he's been on in the last 3 weeks.

Well, Jordan is no normally sick child. He's a busy sick child. And charming to boot! Everywhere we go he makes people smile with his curiosity and cute comments. Jordan loves life and any sickness he's had has never dragged him down. (there's a lesson in that for me I'm sure!)

My DAY actually started last night. I'm so worried about Josie. She's becoming so stressed out and angry lately that she lashing out at herself. It brought me to tears twice now to see her so angry she's hitting herself. Ya know, parenting is a balancing act as it is, then throw in the effects of a major surgery on top of that - wow. We're having a ride here.

The really tough part for me is knowing what Josie needs, but not wanting someone else to provide it. I'm a children's psychotherapist, I don't typically describe myself like that, but that's what my training and experience have been in now for 13 years. You would think that someone who has their Master's degree and been practicing that long would actually have well-adjusted children.

Ok, so I'm not immune to the stress of the real world just because "I know what I know". I was reading one of my old text books (from 10 years ago). It was written by one of my professors and I remembered her son was diagnosed with ADHD and how that effected her as a therapist herself. Still, she took him to the places he needed for help.

So now I'm faced with that, knowing what I'll do, yet having difficulty letting her go! It's like the first day of kindergarten all over again, 10 times larger! (for me anyway).

So to get back to Dr. Ziglar and Jordan. We gave him a neb in the office and it opened up his breathing alot, but I still had to ask the what if we are where we were when he was 18 months old. I was hoping for her confident doctor response that "I'm sure we're not dealing with that." But that's not what she said. She instead validated my concerns about a possible foreign object that may be stuck in his lung if he does not respond in the next 4 days to medication treatment.

Oh Lord, you keep me coming back to you!

Then I come home with him...oh, it's 3:00 - I'll have to tell you this in the next blog, but I have to go get the kids from school right now!

Mental Physical Emotional Spiritual

2007-02-28T14:02:00.000-06:00

Hey, ya know I'm learning that defeating the enemy is sometimes in your mind and sometimes physically, and sometimes spiritually, emotionally, it's in many ways is what I'm trying to say. So I'm again battling a seroma (build up of fluid) in my left arm pit that is causing pain and reduced range of motion in my arm.

Had to cancel my surgeon's appt. on 2/27 because Jordan is home with pneumonia, but I really started wondering what the heck is the point. The seroma has been drained 4 times now, one time I wore a drain for a week and it still returned. So I know the next step is to surgically remove/dry up the area. I'm sick of surgery!!!

So that's the physical thing, the mental thing is I'm sick of surgery! The emotional thing is that I'd like to get on with my life and begin to recover my energy, strength, attitude, and basically hope, that this is behind me. And spiritually for me at this point it's a head thing and I'm desperately trying to understand how to allow this to be a heart thing.

The head thing...I know that I'm healed in His name. I know that I can walk in His healing power. I know that even if my body isn't healed in the way I want it to be that my soul has eternal healing promised and that gives me great joy to even type right now. I know that living in His strength will help me pursue life with the joy and enthusiasm that I always had.

I know that I know that I know....but, when does that trickle down into your heart so the peace returns?

I attended a Young Survivor's Conference in DC this weekend. I wasn't impressed with the speakers, the facility or the food as much as I was the people's stories about what their walk with cancer has been. I met alot of women this weekend with stories of their lives that made me thankful for how God has blessed me, that's for sure.

However, each individual walk is an INDIVIDUAL journey in faith. I recently reread some notes in my bible that said "when fear knocks at the door, faith answers and no one is there." Faith - is powerful enough to drive away fear, is it powerful enough to pour in the peace? Peace that passes understanding...deep in my soul? I believe it could be. But as I type this and as I have been praying for that, I really yearn to feel it.

God changes plans

2007-02-27T20:40:00.001-06:00

Well, my last 3 days of work were this week. Yes, I say were, because I had to take Jordan to the doctor Monday. He was up at 3 in the morning with a fever, cough, and the same tugging in his chest he had a week ago.

Sure enough, he's got pneumonia again and bronchitis this time too. So Dr. Ziglar has grounded him until Friday when she wants to see him again to make sure this treatment is working.

Kid's thoughts and questions

2007-02-27T20:03:00.000-06:00

Last night when it was time for bed, Josie was doing her usual hanging around, lolly-gagging, basically the stalling technique as we all have done as a kid when we don't want to go to bed. Hey, if we admit it we all probably do this even now at times!

But I had asked her to come sit on my lap for our usual evening conversation. We got situated and I asked her about her day. She spoke about a few eventful things, but then as she sit facing me on my lap, she very sweetly asked with the spontenaity of childhood about my breasts. She commented about herself that "mine are just little things right now, but they grow up right?" I thought that was so cute.

It's easy to tell she's thinking about what I've been through. Honestly I get sick of talking about my boobs and other extraneous factors of what I've been through, but when she has questions, I'm all ears and available.

She further went to describe how she thought hers would grow and such. Then she paused and very softly said "I hope I don't get cancer." I felt the tears welling up inside me. I didn't want to just slide out of that one and say "Don't worry about that now honey." or give her a false sense of security and say "You won't get cancer honey." But I did tell her that because we know what we know about mommy, we'll remember to take good care of Josie.

Then the funny questions about how do they find the cancer and what are the pictures like? So, you don't want to give too much information, and since I haven't even told ya'll about the greatests procedure yet, I just sufficed it to say that they squish ya a little each way and then you're done. She was cool with that.

I'll save the sentinental node biopsy for another time for her and all my readers. I wrote that doozie out once and couldn't stop crying.

Josie, is my sweet, sweet girl and she's growing up fast. Who would've wanted to experience cancer in your mother at 7. She doesn't realize the full impact because I've been spared some of the terrible side effects, and I'm choosing to keep hope in her mind instead of the pain of what this has been.

Do I pray she never faces this - of course. But do I know she'll start mamograms 10 years younger than when I was diagnosed - of course! (That's the standard by the way for all you ladies reading along - if anyone in your family was diagnosed with breast cancer you should have your first mamogram to get a baseline 10 years younger than their age at diagnosis.)

Be blessed and hug your children one more time than you already have today, just to make the most of the day you have.

Stuck in a Sling

2007-02-20T10:37:00.000-06:00

Had a 10:00 with Dr. Marks at Baptist Plastic Surgery Dept. today. This was my third visit to see him and he's starting to lighten up now. The good news is that the seroma isn't getting any bigger than it was on Sat. And the additional good news is that the open wound on my left breast is healing, according to him, very well. Looks aweful raw to me, but he's fine with it.

The bad news is that I'm stuck in a sling for another week with a pressure wrap around me to keep that seroma from getting any larger. I'm going to remind myself to not tell clients to "just keep doing what you're doing" when I start building my counseling practice again. It makes you feel like it's only time that will do the trick and there is really so much more!

So another week in a sling...there has to be a good spiritual lesson here, but I'm not coming up with one right now. Too fresh of news to process I guess. So for anyone looking for a great tid-bit...today's not the day. Unless you like to hear God tell you "wait a little longer..." At least there is reassurance that he hasn't forgotten that I'm still looking for that full healing, mind, body and spirit!

However, I do have to say that I was so blessed yesterday by two different people in my life. One was a friend, the other was the owner of the company I'm leaving next week. They both were so encouraging about my life, my spirit, and my gifts. I was blessed to be reminded by God's kids that he loves me and his light is shining despite my bad attitude some days!

Reading for Fun!

2007-02-19T15:23:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm going overboard here making 3 entries in the same day, but I'm just so excited I can access my blog again, I can't stop!

Ya know, I finally gave myself permission to read for fun the other day - a week ago actually. I poured through a Danielle Steele novel in 3 days and just loved it. After I got over the whole promise that I'd never read another "NON"-christian book in my life that I made several years ago - even before I completed my masters, so that tells ya that I read non-christian books and didn't even realize it!

Anyway, I loved the book, took it back to the library and then got another one - Anna Perry I think, it's a war novel/love story, I think. We haven't gotten to the love part yet, but I'm being patient.

But, (yes another transition word like I'm going to at some point get to the POINT!)...

I felt warm, and relaxed for the first time in a long time. And as I basked in that, I layed down one night - two days ago and picked up another book on my night stand. For all those other ADHDers out there, my night stand looks just like yours - 3 piles of books on it and strewn about on the floor with the other necessities, vicks, lip gloss, my phone charger plug, and a few pens and hair things.

But the book I pulled out was on the bottom. A gift from a friend a few weeks ago that I had forgotten about. I had started reading it before and put it down, and where I left off (this is soooo God!)- it just ministered to me about my last blog entry and I have to type it for you. It's just a paragraph, so don't get bored...it may be helpful for you too!

TELLING THE TRUTH
One transition task (the book is about life transitions and God's perspective) is to let others know what to expect. Realistically, can they rely on our superhuman performances as in days past? What is honest during your "grace period"? If you need to relinquish or downgrad places of responsibility, whether they be a spotless home or nursery duty at church, frame the words to communicate that. If your tears are frequent and your smiles few, let loved ones in on the pain. They need to understand the source of your tears, know that God is working on your heart and that this time of pain will result in transformation in due time.

This is the part I love in light of Pastor's message yesterday about softening our souls...

God's heart bends toward the wanderer, the exile, the homeless -- toward US as we roam this wilderness. This is clear from Old Testament laws: "Do not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens, because you were aliens in Egypt" (Exodus 23:9). Our experience in time of exile and alienation will change the way we treat others. As we embrace transitions's symptoms in ourself, we will see them in others and our heart too will bend toward the wanderer.

So for me it was confirmation that my setting limits on myself was really an answer to prayer. And also it is ok for me to say that I need to let God heal my heart so that he can transform me into what He wishes, not what I plan to become. And that it's ok to take time to do that. It also spoke to my soul in that my heart wants to touch others in a special way, kids, parents, whomever it is - I want others to know love, His love. In this excerpt from Grace Points, I realize now that God is training me to bend my heart toward the wanderer, because I am feeling God's heart bend toward me!

How cool is that?

Limitations and changes...

2007-02-19T13:04:00.000-06:00

Well, Shaun and I had to make some serious decisions last weekend. In addition to not healing well from surgery, I had Jordan home with pneumonia from 2/7 - 2/12. In the process of seeing my doctor for him, she asked how I was doing on the 7th and I told her that it's been tiring and tough, but we're doing it.

However, when she said that Jordan needed an xray to "rule out" (don't you love it when they say that) pneumonia, I started to cry. I guess my cover was blown. She reminded me of the stress that I've been under that I continue to minimize and how that is effecting me. I left with a script for me to work 1/2 days for the next week.

When the xray came back positive for pneumonia and she called to let me know Jordan was grounded for the next 5 days - I cried again. More time off work that I haven't yet earned. Hurray. So much for saving up time for the Disney vacation we had planned to have after 18 months of work to pay off our student loans.

Ok, so it'll take a little longer.

So then.... Shaun and I talked alot over that weekend. And although it had been a fleeting thought of mine that I could hardly consider, when Shaun brought it up as a possibility, I was stunned.

"Maybe you're supposed to stay home right now and pursue work later." Uh...Uh...Uh... Wow, that sounds wonderful, lay around the house and do nothing - not my style and of course I'm being sarcastic. Actually he said "Maybe you should stay home and pursue your PhD." Now I told him not to say that too loud, because although I've said for 10 years since completing my MA I would NEVER go back to school, I was recently triggered to look into doctoral programs.

Then the tears came again. The total loss of control you feel when you know you can only give so much to life and do so much and work so much and love so much and extend so much and etc. before you break down. By Shaun opening the door of discussion about work, I felt free to actually share how stressful things have been. Not that they haven't been stressful right in front of him, and not that he wasn't doing enough - kids, dishes, laundry, homework, baths, etc and then putting them to bed - all while I slept every evening on the couch.

Then I'd go to bed after he'd put them to bed. Alot of support I was worth there!

My best, and my all I gave to work and had NOTHING left over for home. How did I miss the stop sign in September? Two job offers and a cancer diagnosis in the same week. What was I thinking?

When Shaun said that I'll need to take the time to heal now or it will be forced upon me at a later time, I realized that he was right. I was running from dealing with the healing process. I just have had such a hard time not feeling a sense of worth when I'm not doing something. It's a failure if you can't do what you've set out to do, right? Course the "doing" something is a relative term, but in my case it meant something to show for my time spent. (but that's for another blog)

Then Shaun told me that I can't be failing if I've chosen to take care of myself. He told me that would be the winning choice, not the failure. Couldn't disagree with that or he'd have committed me! (Just kidding:-)

In the mean time I took Jordan back to the MD to recheck how well the antibiotic was working and while we were in the waiting room I couldn't believe what happened. Jordan was his typical "sick" self, without a fever of 103 means that he is just as busy as he always is, but anyway, he started crawling over the furniture and I grabbed his right arm.

Dumb move. He began yelling so loud and when I tried to do that quick kiss on the booboo to make it all better, it DIDN'T WORK! Well, as my circumstances would have it, although Dr. Ziglar figured she could just put it back in place, she didn't hear it pop. So she wanted an x-ray of then.

Although none of my children have yet had a broken bone, I knew that we'd go sit at the radiology center, then wait at the orthopedic doctors - an all day procedure at best. I began to cry again.

When she returned with the script, we left to go get Jordan a prize from the treasure box. And lo and behold, he was reaching for everything in it as usual! Hurray - his arm had been fixed when she tried to pop it in place! Thankfully I hadn't broken his arm, only dislocated it. And much more thankfully, my MD knows my Jordan very well and didn't suspect that I had abused him!

Dr. Ziglar also asked me how I was doing now - well, more like, what's the matter, because before she even came in I was crying thinking I had broken his arm. That's when I told her that I was going to step down from work and that I hoped she could write me out to work only 1/2 days to finish transitioning out of my job.

She was more than agreeable to that as she had already wrote me out for 1/2 days for the next week before we knew for sure that Jordan had pneumonia.

So at work the next day I talked with my COO. She totally understood, of course and when I talked to the company owners, they did as well. They even told me they'd leave the door open for me to return anytime I wanted.

It wasn't easy coming face to face with my limitations, but God is helping me to see that doing things differently isn't failing, its just different.

Still working on what this really looks like, but God'll get me there.

Catching up

2007-02-19T12:46:00.000-06:00

Ok, bringing things up to speed...

On 2/9, I went to the surgeon in Winston that Dr. Allen had recommended me to see. -someone he went to school with - .

Although I left confused, I hoped that I had connected with the right person. Dr. Marks was not really engaging as we say in the psychology profession, but anyway, he took a look at my seroma and decided to wait a week since my drain had come out two days before to see if the fuild would build up again.

Oh, and I was to put saline dressings on my left breast in order to help it heal and treat it with peroxide for the infection. Well, it's a great thing that I still have nerve damage there, because we all know how great peroxide feels on an open wound!

On 2/16 I was scheduled to return for a recheck. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Sally, a breast health educator at my appointment. (This I had to arrange ahead of time because although I've been through a lot of medical stuff, I still hate being alone.) Sally was wonderful - very supportive, easy to talk to and so helpful in understanding what the heck Dr. Marks was talking about!

The good news is that my infection has subsided, but I still have a gapping hole that needs to be healed. No they don't want to stitch it, but they did remove the dead tissue around it. They want me to continue saline dressings in order to let it heal from the inside out. I know that to medical people that sounds completely normal, but to me, who wants to get going with some water exercise before my shoulder goes frozen again - and just because I want life to be back to or get to a new normal - I'm a little impatient!

Now, Dr. Marks was still not convinced that my seroma had returned in my left armpit. He thought it was scar tissue. I explained to him that I had pain again in my shoulder that I had the last time it had returned so I felt he needed to look a little closer. Hurray, not that I wanted him to poke it and drain it, but that's what it needed.

He admited that he didn't expect to get 15 mls out of it, but he did. Then he had the nurse wrap me up in a pressure bandage to put constant pressure on the area in order to avoid further build up of fluid. That was fun. By the end of the appointment I had to have her help me get dressed because I just couldn't manage getting my body suit and bra on over the thing.

Once together I looked more like normal, but felt like an undercover football player! Then he tells me that I'm not to use my arm. Well, you know me, ask too many questions..."What exactly do you mean?" "I have 3 young kids and I work." The only thing he said was "Driving was not not doing anything."

Well, I'm in a sling, but I'm driving. And I'm going to work - 1/2 days, but I'm going. And yes I'm typing too, but don't tell Shaun or Dr. Marks! (I'm at the library, hee hee!) I'll get in trouble from Shaun because he'll eventually read this, but Dr. Marks will never find out!

So my next appt. with Dr. Marks is tomorrow 2/20. Hopefully I'll get out of this extra padding that Shaun has had to wrap me up in every day. If the dumb thing returns, I'll have to have it surgically fixed. Don't know what that means really, because it was surgery that made it happen in the first place.

Anyway, that catches everyone up on my latest health stuff anyway. God is still in control here, but I'm a little angry that this whole thing is dragging out so long.

welcome

2007-02-17T17:37:00.000-06:00

All of you who can now view this post have successfully entered the LONG process of being invited to my blog.

Visit anytime, I'll be updating more regularly now that I have access to MY blog too!

Love to all,
Colleen

Second Phase

2007-02-03T16:45:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm back. Went to Charleston, SC on the 27th and returned on Feb 2nd. A little longer than we had expected, but a little more involved than we had expected as well.

I'm not sure what to type, I'm just glad it's done and over and hopefully I'll have some resolve with this lymphedema soon.

Along with shaping the original reconstruction of my breasts, the doctor recreated nipples and "liposucked" bubbles on my hips left over from the tummy tuck to create my new chest. Oh, and I had a pocket of fluid drained from my left arm pit where the lymphnodes were originally removed.

Now this time it was day-surgery. Thankfully I was put under a light general anesthetic because I didn't want to be awake, not even hear what was happening. Thank the good Lord that Shaun was there afterward, because they get you out of the hospital so quick, I didn't have my wits about me yet. He signed me out - now I understand why he looked a little anxious - but then I thought I was going to be fine.

Got into the car and I had taken a pain pill before we left, but I started to feel what had just happened to me for the first time. The pain intensified before we could even get to the drug store for percocet. I called Shaun while he was in there waiting for it and when he said it would be 10 minutes, I thought I'd die.

I called the Dr.'s office to writhe at them in agony for a minute, and they hated hearing me, oh well, but they said that the medication should help it subside quickly and if not to call back.

Shaun ran to the car with a bottle of water in hand and I took the medicine. Now I only had 3 miles to go between the hospital and the hotel, but that 15 minute stop at the drug store was a killer! Poor Shaun, he couldn't do anything else to help me. He couldn't even carry me into the hotel because everywhere he'd have tried to lift me would have been painful - hips, arm pits, belly - ya know the over the shoulder thing! Anyway, we tried to be creative, but nothing was going to work except me walking to the room.

I cried the whole way, and passed any number of people that could feel the pain with me. I didn't even care that I thought I was supposed to be embarrassed. I just wanted to lay down. But I couldn't do anything but stand up bent over without hurting more. So we waited in that position until the pain medicine started to do something.

Seemed like an hour to me, but then I started to have an allergic reaction to the percocet and itched everything I could scratch. Back to the drug store, popped a darvocet as soon as I could and then to the Dr. office. I was so impressed that he saw me the same day! Not someone on call, but Dr. Allen, my surgeon. He made sure that my circulation on the new grafts were in good order.

Back to the hotel and back to bed. No sleep though because our room was by the laundry room. Last night of that! We got it changed for the remainder of our stay.

Amazing thing happened - the fluid built up in my arm pit the same day it was drained. Dr. Allen wanted to see me Tuesday to monitor it. Thought we were headed home Wednesday, but we had to make one more trip to Dr. Allen to get the correct drains put in to drain the arm pit for seven days.

That was a hilarious mess. I can't even described how hard I laughed in the office. Shaun was on the phone with Mrs. Quave who had our boys and was calling to find the medicine in the house because Ethan had a fever and what appeared to be an ear ache. So while Dr. Allen was securing the seroma (that's what a pocket of fluid is called), Mrs. Quave found the medicine and I had relief again that the fluid was out.

And back to the hotel for further recovery - and a not-so-restful night.

Ashes

2007-01-14T22:12:00.000-06:00

I feel like Ashes.

Let me explain...I've had this underlying ankst (sp?) about me for a few weeks now. I've been asking God the "why?" question alot.

Why again did I have to face cancer?

Why again do I have to face lymphedema?

Why again do I feel anger, but don't know what to do with it or how to process it?

And the normal "in His weakness I'm made strong" thing just isn't clicking. Anybody relate?

Picture this - I'm at Walmart, just finished spending almost $100 and only had 4 bags. Don't ask me why, but if I'm going to spend $100 I better come home with 10 bags to PROVE it! Anybody relate to that?

Anyway, just packed the 4 bags into the back of the van and sat down in the driver's seat, knowing that this was the moment I had been waiting for. A moment alone, quiet, not interrupted...a moment that I could actually journal something. Empty myself...get whatever it was causing me ankst out!

So I began to write, first something about Eeyore - I've been relating alot to his attitude lately, when I previously used to get fed up with his negative tone.

Then I wrote something about how awesome Extreme Club was this morning with the Lord showing up to steal away with the kids fears and replace them with his love and joy. (It was an amazing moment with God that the kids had - if yours was there, ask them about it!)

Then I finally wrote about my anger. Anger about the procedures I've had to go through that I didn't ever plan for my life. And actually, I thought I would be most angry about the whole reconstruction thing and not feeling or looking the same as I had before, but NOOOOO, that's not what I was angry about at all (or at least not yet:-)

I was angry about the procedure before the reconstruction, the injections of dye into my nipple to determine which lymphnode was the sentinel node that the cancer would have spread first to IF it had spread.

I recounted the shock of the realization that I wasn't undergoing an iv to complete this procedure. I recounted the pain of the actual injections - 4 to be exact, without any local anesthetic.

I recounted the tears, and loneliness when the exray tech left the room when the machine was taking the pictures. I recounted the machine closing in on me and circling around me as I prayed and tried to search my soul for one song to hum.

Then I remembered asking the tech to get my husband to be outside the door when I was finished and she did. But then it was too late....

I cried the entire wheelchair ride back to the surgery prep room. I fell into Shaun's arms when I got there and sobbed about what I had just gone through. I wanted to get in the car and go home, the beach, somewhere away from long needles, pain, and people that are trying to "help" but have grown a little calloused in their patient care over the years.

But it was too late...tonight I finally realized that I was mad at Shaun, Diane and God. God - that's obvious, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? WHAT PURPOSE IS THIS GOING TO SERVE? And the less obvious, I was mad at Shaun, my most beloved for not "protecting" me, for not driving me away, for not punching the DXXX tech, or the DXXX doctor, Dr. Sing AKA "The Injector".

I couldn't believe that it's taken me this long - more than 3 months to confess the anger! Actually it took me that long to actually see that it was anger and hurt that I needed to confess to Shaun and to God. Diane doesn't know this at the typing of this, but I have to go to her tomorrow and confess it.

I arrived back at home after screaming my throat dry in the car on the way home to find my beloved making dinner for the kids. He saw me and couldn't imagine what was wrong. The last conversation we had was about decaf coffee. As far as he knew I was heading back into to Walmart to get it when he called.

So he took me back into our bedroom and the kids kept a short distance away. All I could blurt out when he asked me what was wrong was that "I...forgot...the...coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." He laughed and I wanted to hit him because I wasn't finished with my sentence yet. Poor guy just trying to be sensitive and caring, rubbing my back and all.

But I continued and told him "...because I started to journal and realized this whole time I needed to confess this stupid anger I had toward him because he didn't "save" me". Following that confession and a whole lot more sobbing on both our parts, my dearest youngest son barges into the room, stops half way and looks up with the big blue eyes...

"Mommy, you ok?" He sufficed for a hug, which felt really good I have to say. Then my beautiful daughter enters with two gifts wrapped up especially for me. Josie is awesome at wrapping gifts, she actually wrapped all the gifts under the tree last month except the ones from Santa. AND she also has this talent of finding just the right thing to make you feel better.

This time it was the Max Lucado book that the Crowson's gave me before I went to the hospital. So we turned to January 14th, and this is what it said...

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE...

It's dangerous to sum up grand truths in one statement, but I'm going to try. If a sentence or two could capture God's desire for each of us, it might read like this:

God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus.

God loves you just the way you are. If you think his love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think his love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are.

That blessed my socks off, because I thought....even though I'm mad at him, he's still loving me right were I am. It finally sunk into my heart.

Then I'm reading another book I was blessed to receive from my old highschool buddy Pam. (Thanks by the way Pam, every time I've tried to call you your line has been busy and I haven't written you a thank you note yet for all those lovely surprises at Christmas - you are such a great friend!)

Back to the book: GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN B for women. I liked the title and I love the contents...Page 39 reminds us of Elijah and his great and significant deed burning the wet altar - a HUGE deal that sent the profits of Baal home with their tails between their legs. But, after hearing Jezebel was going to kill him he fled into a cave.

Elijah had his eyes on the scary circumstances of being killed, and lost track of what miracle working power he just facilitated from the Lord! But God didn't rebuke him or scold him. He loved him just as he was and WHERE he was. God spoke to him in his still gentle voice of his love for his son.

Tonight God began to speak to me, right where I was, in the van at Walmart, and he loved me enough to show me what was between me and a closer walk with him - anger and hurt. I've been in my cave looking more and more like the dust and ashes around now for 3 and a half months, but now I see how God is going to make something beautiful. I'm just at the beginning of the journey, but I'm on God's pace, not mine because I know he's going to meet me where I am!

Sling the Sludge

2006-12-30T21:07:00.000-06:00

Wow, almost New Year's Eve. In case anyone is still reading along with me...I'm sorry about the long delay on updates. Daily was my original goal, but the days pass by so quickly since I've begun work. And when I'm tired, I'm tired and I have to lay down.

We're still waiting for the ebay car to arrive. Hoping that we can get it registered on Tuesday. Thankfully insurance won't be bad at all. Unfortunately we put $600 into the old van the day after Christmas, and $300 on Thurs. for tires, yet we're still hopeful that it'll last another year.

Yes, Marc, we finally got new tires for the thing! You can rest easy now that we won't be slipping around on "bologna skins" through the winter!!

So, as I sit here, I'm freezing - weird - it's 51 degrees outside and not necessarily cold in the house. But for some reason, the areas of my body that are numb from nerve damage are cold too. Makes sense now after I type it - but it's uncomfortable all the time. Extra sweaters go with me wherever I go these days to keep warm at work, in the stores, or if I just find myself standing outside longer than expected.

Anyway, I had a wonderful visit with my parents this last week. After a long saga for my poor brother trying two days to get here from CA, he did make it. I was so glad to see him. It was the first I had seen him in person since this whole cancer thing came up. I was expecting to have at least one conversation with him about it, but now I realize he probably was more uncomfortable talking about it than I was. Or maybe he just didn't want to "upset" me by talking about it.

Either way, it was great seeing and hugging on my family at Christmastime. And it sure was nice to enjoy Christmas at our house for the first time in a long time. It was nice to have the kids wake up here in our house and have Christmas together. And having Grandpa and Grandma here to enjoy it with us was extra special. I loved seeing the kids play with Uncle Dave.

And today everyone was gone. And poor Jordan still wanted to decorate the OUTSIDE of the house. So he dragged out the lights we never quite got to hang up. I felt motivated to grant his wish so I crawled out the second story window and hung the lights on the front porch railing.

While I was up there I realized how terribly bad the gutters were with loads of sludge, acorns, and several plants, including a rose bush growing beautifully! So I decided it was time - and on an especially beautiful day - I was going to clean them out. Took a couple of hours and had a lot of really good black dirt that would've made great fertilizer for the garden had I thought of it before I just slung it down into the bunshes!

Hopefully the rain they are forecasting will be heavy and rinse out the rest of the debri. But while I was up there, I was thinking of risks. Risks I used to take - like rock climbing. How beautiful the days were that we used to go (while I was in college). And today was the same, just a gorgeous day - hardly any wind, just the warmth of the sun on my back as I bent over the railing to dig out the gutters.

Got a good sense of accomplishment from that, then started thinking about the "sludge" that we carry around with us. Emotional sludge, physical sludge, mental sludge, spiritual sludge, etc. The stuff that really isn't truth from God's word, just stuff that creates a barrier for us to keep our minds on the things of God.

Stuff like anger and jealously, fear and pain. Stuff like busyness and chaotic schedules, too much sugar, fat, and junk food. Stuff like old thought patterns that keep us stuck in the field of low self worth and lack of significance. Stuff like warped spiritual teachings from someone's interpretation of what God said in his word.

Sludge...lets sling the sludge in 2007 and just focus on what matters most. Loving God and sharing that love with others.

Christmas with a twist

2006-12-25T18:51:00.000-06:00

Well, this Christmas is different than any other for our family. This is our first Christmas spending it at home - our home, with our kids. No traveling, no moving around, no crazy time schedules to meet. Just peaceful at home with our kids AND Grandpa and Grandma and Uncle Dave!

What a wonderful time it has been. But very different. Poor Dave spent two days in two different airports in CA in order to be rescheduled 5 times and finally departing 2 and a half days after he was supposed to be here! But he made it Saturday, did some speed shopping and we enjoyed a relaxing day today.

Mom and Dad made it in Friday night and the kids were so excited to see them! I thought for sure the first thing missed by the kids would be making a snowman with Uncle Dave, but it hasn't come up! I'm amazed - they love making the annual snowman with Dave - and I know he loves it just as much!

Christmas Eve was very different this year. We went to First Assembly for the first time and then realized the service was all communion - what a treat, yet I did miss the traditional Christmas Carols.

We were blessed so much by the prayer of Pastor Liz and Rodney. I knew that they only station that could handle my three during a time of prayer would be them anyway knowing my little guy!

I thank God for changes. Changes that bring smiles and tears. Because changes are not always easy, but looking through what I think God's perspective might be helps me to see that even the changes that bring tears like this whole cancer thing, have allowed blessings to flow to and through us like we've never imagined!

Merry Christmas!

My next description...

2006-12-23T00:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, it's been way too long, but I'm ok with that...are you? No one is calling asking where my latest entries are - well, except Vicky! - so I was thinking I've lost all my readers...

A tough week this week. I've worked 4 weeks full-time now since my surgery and I can now say I started back to work too soon. It's not that I am not capable or have enough energy for the work day. I can manage and feel pretty good all day. AT NIGHT, however is another story. I am beginning to feel like a drain on my husband. He's still steady like I wrote in the last entry - but I'm wondering how long he can hold up working full time and then doing all the work at home too. God is truly sustaining us!

When I get home, its a crock pot meal or Pizza or Shaun does it all. I'm on the recliner within an hour usually and I'm totally exhausted! I'm usually falling asleep when the kids go to bed or before, and I'm not much of a wife to converse with either as you might imagine.

And this was the week, I got a comparative measure on my arms and even though I've done the massage and the exercises, I have a significant amount of swelling in my arms. So Thursday was interesting...

To back up a bit, Shaun and I have been looking for a car/van/vehicle of some sort while at the same time our van needs this and that to keep it up - you all are familiar with that...

But Thursday - Shaun picked me up at work to go to "The Fitting" appointment for the compression garments. On the way we called Midas because we thought we'd get the brake pads replaced under their warrantee. So even though I wanted Shaun to be with me at the appointment, I told him to go and take care of the car so we could have it safe for Christmas. He drops me off and reluctantly he goes.

So I'm sitting in the office at Custom Source looking at all kinds of therapeutic shoes, hoping that they got me straight on the phone that I am a breast cancer post-op patient with lymphedema and praying I wasn't going to get fitted for those shoes!

The ladies got me figured out and I was taken back 15 minutes later or so. The woman who did my fitting was very nice and very professional, yet personable and friendly too. She measured my arms and sure enough I was swollen 2 cm on my right arm and an inch on my left. Now I knew that wasn't good, but wasn't panicing about it at the time. She left to get the types of sleeves they had to show me and I started thinking...

What am I doing here? This isn't a huge problem, my body is still adjusting, I'm sure the swelling will go away. Blah Blah Blah - yes denial.

So when she returned, I thought I was going to try to talk her out of fitting me for the sleeves, but something in my spirit eased my mind and I thought I'd get fitted and just keep them in case I needed them later. Then the conversation started going somewhere about needing to wear them everyday and I checked out.

Not before we had a wrestling match trying to get those super-heavy-duty-mega-strength hose on my arms. Couldn't believe something that small would fit on my arm let alone extend from my shoulder to my wrist. Then...

I took the diversion conversation and talked about my reconstruction - the woman had a lot of questions because she sees many women who've not yet made a decision about reconstruction.

I was glad to speak highly of my experience with Dr. Allen in South Carolina and even gave her his card to copy for other potential patients. All the while I'm standing there with the sleeves and gauntlets (short gloves) on and she's checking my circulation. She left to check on the insurance end and Shaun calls.

"Well, Coll, it doesn't look exciting here (remember he's at Midas) the guy's working up an estimate on the brakes, rotors, and ball joint." YIKES! I thought all we wanted were brake pads! Something to the tune of 3 or 400 dollars! Then Shaun reminds me..

"Remember Sweetie - we bought a van today." But it was online, so we obviously can't drive that until it arrives, a good thing none the less. So I immediately call our mechanic and let him know to book us for the morning. Well Gerald is taking off for Christmas and won't be in until Tuesday. Now the nerve of Gerald - taking off for Christmas! Just kidding Gerald.

So I booked an appointment for the day after Christmas. See Shaun and I had this really crazy idea that after almost 10 years as a one-car family we might be able to keep that van running for short trips here and there since it's paid off.

Well, with the prospects of a 500 dollar down payment on the new van and a new loan and then another bunch of dinero to fix up our current van....we were a bit frustrated. And I'm still sitting there with these arm girdles on in denial that I'll really have to use them.

So the fitter comes back into the room and lets me know that insurance will cover the cost of the compression garments. Good thing, cuz being in denial and all, I'm sure I would have put off getting them. She also informs me that they'll approve two sets so that I can get one washed while I'm wearing the other one. WAIT A MINUTE - she is really serious I'm going to have to wear these everyday!

So Shaun takes the estimate and heads over to pick me up while I leave the office and head to the front of the building to meet him - and it hits me - I'm mad. With God I'm victorious over cancer and now I have to spend "the rest of my life" dealing with fat arms if I don't wear these sleeves. Unbelievable! But I'm so mad I can't speak at this point.

Then Shaun picks me up and we head to get the kids and a rental car for the weekend. And he's so sensitive and caring over me. Not pushing me to talk, but knowing I'll need to get this off my chest.

Even while I'm typing this I'm getting mad all over again. But for now the anger gives me the resolve to press on and not become defeated - I'll research something, pray, research more and pray some more and God will lead me down the path to healing in this new/old journey yet again. I believe that and will hold on to that.

So my next description for my blog will be "Conquered Lymphedema at 36!"