Lessons from a friend.

Met with Nan today.  I've been meaning to for a year now, but today was the day for it to happen.  I was typing a blog post when I had had it!  "I am sick of breast cancer having any part of my life." That was my initial feeling anyway.  What was much deeper was a conflict in my soul.  Things started to add up with respect to the recent leadership speaker I heard about "In The Meantime".

So out the door I went.  I headed to Tom Thumb to pick up a paper that Tara had set aside for me.  By the time I got there I had left messages for 4 friends, Diane W., Rebecca Q., Joyce M. and finally Nan C.  I found myself next in Bealls Dept. store wandering around in the aisles wanting to buy a bunch of junk, but knowing that would only be a temporary fix to a much deeper emotional problem.

In the middle of the intimate apparel, Nan called me back.  Thankfully she was able to meet with me.  I grabbed a few things and headed for the cash register.  When I got in the van I was glad there was a Waffle House across the street.  I sure didn't feel like driving much further before I had some relief from this emotional turmoil.

I sat in the corner booth sorting coupons for about 10 minutes before Nan arrived.  I was close to actually leaving at one point, but knew that would only be extending the pain.  She arrived and it was great to feel her hug.  Then the conversation flowed like water....as did the tears from my eyes.  I so wanted to blurt out everything, and I'm sure I didn't make much sense at first because so much came pouring out of my mouth.

I was able to go back a bit and give Nan a more rounded back story to the whole breast cancer thing.  After I shared some of my physical issues, she really helped me put into perspective alot of things.

I have not arrived at my totally healing from the emotional scars of breast cancer.  And it's OK!  I don't have to be whole before I can be a help to others or minister to others in whatever way God calls me to.

It is ok to grieve the loss of what I once had in my physical ability to feel.  Job had scars after all his pain even though his situation was so much better than before all his suffering.  My family is fine.  I didn't want them to ever have to go through what we did in 2006 again and I did everything to prevent it.  What I didn't quite realize before I talked to Nan was that they have moved on and are fine now.  I still have to live with the decisions I made about my health care, my body, and the scars remaining.

Nan also helped me to realize that I don't have to find another person to share the deep friendship that I have with Diane.  It truly is a blessing that I have had the opportunity to experience deep true friendship and walking with the friend like Diane and the Lord through some of the toughest things in our lives.  I can always have my friend Diane, just a phone call away.  and I don't have to duplicate this!  I can just allow relationships to happen as God wills.

Nan got very teary eyed when she began to tell me about how God is a jealous God and when we have allowed friendships between him and us that it's actually sin.  Wow, that was a huge wake up call.  Yet, it's still ok to miss her but I need to grieve the pieces of me that I've lost to cancer, not the friendships that are now long distance.

Grief is weird.  It's real and it's necessary.  Yet Nan taught me how to look at this situation and grieve what truly is gone, not what hasn't been lost.

Thanks Nan, and thank you Lord for all your richest blessings!